Thursday, December 26, 2013

It's better to arrive in daylight

~It is now the end of another year again. The time when people look back and try to make sense of the things they did all year. And yes, I am looking back too ~

When I look back, I can say that this year was really something. I didn't know that I dare do the things that I did. I myself was shocked. I'm sorry to those who were terrified. I didn't mean to scare you girls. And I thought a lot about an idea, the one I've been keeping for a few years now. I look back again and suddenly it all make sense. The idea was really something. It was something that I think I am meant to do.

Oh, the title. It is something that I've been thinking of during the holiday. Something about a journey, something about the trees, covering the rest of the path. It's really something. Opened my heavy eyes, and made me move slower. Okay maybe not very slow but I feel something. Now I'm glad that things are quite clear right now.

Sometime it feels as if I'm floating right now. One moment I'm floating over here, and then the next moment I'm floating over there. There's something about floating. I know that I'm not going to float forever, so I'm thinking of ways to control the wind, so that it will bring me to the place that I wish for.

What I didn't know was, things could be very beautiful if we just let everything run by themselves. Not in a way that we let things 'run' us. We make plans, we dream of things. We make effort to make our dreams real but without ignoring every other things that could happen.

There are so many things that have knocked me down this year, but every time I look up, I'm blessed to always find a hand to help me get back on my feet.

And if I should describe my 2013...
I'd say it was a lovely lovely year :)

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Even the skies aren't as free as it was

I once made a kite, out of green A4 papers, a few wooden sticks, and a length of thread. That was when I had the enthusiasm to do whatever things that crosses my mind. I must be six or something. Well, judging by the materials you would have guessed that it didn't look very good and it probably won't go very high. But it flew when I ran through the field. And I was just satisfied. 

I think I did try to make a few more after that but I have no solid memory about them. Well, I do remember something about the doodles on the papers and how it didn't work out but that's not my point here. 

When I was so much younger, when I look up outside, I see the sky. Just the sky, no high buildings, no electric poles, banners or whatsoever. And maybe I didn't realize soon enough but looking up is so calming. I love how blue it is. The various patterns of clouds that I like to see. I came to realize sometime maybe two or a year ago that I'm quite claustrophobic. Or maybe I'm very claustrophobic. I don't know how bad it is yet but now I know why I like the sky so much. It looks like a never ending dance floor.

I like being under the sky, roofless but nowadays it's all about privacy. Maybe it's not entirely true but you can't deny it right? All we think of when we are outside is to get back into the safety of our own chamber. Even at the village. I wasn't really excited when they started to plant electric poles before because things will be so much different. And it happened. I loved the view at the village years ago so much better.

But yeah, who am I to resist development. Maybe they are just happening too fast and I have left behind in catching up with them. After all, it's inevitable. I'm glad that I've seen things the way it was, and I will keep what I'm seeing now for the future when we reach the peak of development. 

The sky aren't as free as it was, but they're always up there ^^ 
All we need is faith ^^

Thursday, November 21, 2013


Well, here I am now in this space. Before the holiday started I made up my mind to write something 
straight after coming back but seemed like I took more time to recover from the long journey. 

As I predicted the year before, it's tougher this year. I was busy making memories with the graduating seniors. Correction, they're more like brothers and sisters to me, to us. I can't imagine how our journey will be next year but I don't want to think about that yet. 

Journey home this year was a lot better than the two rides I had before. It was calm I'd say. But I was awaken at one point. Then I thought of some faces, and that was when the reality really hit me. It felt as if those faces were grabbed away from my sight, and I found myself holding my breath. I guess that's how I really feel all of this time, and that made it hard for me to show it. So I looked out at the sky. The colour were blue, and little bit of orange. Both in a kind of shade that I couldn't describe. Let us just say that they fit each other well? Well, they always did and will always do anyway. Before I forget to mention it, I think they are beautiful. 

If you ask me what I feel right now, I'd say that I'm glad that I'm home right now. But to be very honest, I don't know what I really feel deep deep inside. I know that I'm happy, that I feel better, but nothing solid. I'm also delighted in another way. Of something. Of someone.
This holiday, I think I'm gonna spent hours, days with novels and notebooks and crochets. A mug of hot chocolate or some kind of coffee that won't make me caffeinated too much will make them a good combination. And I hope that I will be showered with ideas and fingers crossed that they come with the enthusiasm to make them a reality. 

I think that is all for this entry and I wish everyone a happy holiday ^^

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

I'll always miss you

I've seen him at his worst two years ago, when my aunt, his daughter died.
He didn't talk much, but I saw it in his eyes.
I know that he held the most pain, but he had always welcome us
I’ll always remember the way his wrinkled hand felt on my palm.
And now he’s gone too, buried next to his children.
How I wish that I could be there right now,
to let him feel the warmth while he’s still in the house.
How I wish that I could be there right now,
to be with the other.
I know that we’ll smile to each other,
because we are not very good in showing the other side of us.
But isn't that what it’s all about?
To be strong for each other.
I remember how two years ago I was immediately broken as soon as I came back to this place.
This time, I have to stay here.
Unable to give my last respect
He had gone through a lot,
and now he can finally have his rest.
If the heat I feel all around me right now is you hugging me,
then I don’t want you to ever let me go.
Rest in peace, grandpa

I miss you

Thursday, October 31, 2013

and I found another

Closing my eyes trying to sleep,
Emptying my mind trying to forget you,
You've been on my mind all day,
Let me not think about you at night.

I don’t want to dream, because dream will end,
I don’t mind a dreamless sleep,
For I know that I’ll have the real dream with open eyes,
For I know that it won’t end unless …unless
~found this in my foundation’s notebook~

After that talk, I can’t seem to focus on anything else today. This heart is beating in a strange way. A few months ago, I might think that I’m dying. I still do sometimes. But now things had seemed to become clearer to me.

…I’ve been deleting those words. 
Oh. I've kept giving myself reasons but I guess from now on, I’ll try to depend on His timing.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

I found something last night~

Last night, before I sleep,
I talked to God, about you,
I said that I missed you all day,
You were out of sight,
And that I hope you’re doing well.

How many days do I have to go through
Before I can see you come to me?
Holiday never felt this long,
I’m willing to come back as long as you’re right there too.

I found this in my notebook while I was looking for something. I don’t remember what I was writing for. It seems incomplete. I found it the way it is typed here. I don’t remember if I was writing for someone or was I inspired in the midst of nothingness at that time. No date and venue written, and to think that I’m looking for them in my own notebook, oh. I don’t even remember if I wrote them during the holiday. However, I’m hooked to this again. As if I rediscover my own emotion. It feels, good? It rarely feels so, so I think I’ll just have to write about this. So that when I rediscover this again in the future, I’ll know that I felt good about it, and I should feel the same way again. Maybe I know the truth behind this but I prefer not to be clear about this. Yet.

Monday, October 7, 2013

Too Late

The moment I've been waiting for is finally tomorrow. I’ll tell her, that I still love her.

                She is probably inside, with the other, working on another theater. She is probably among the most senior in the group. The fact that she has gained her degree and got a job does not stop her from doing what she like the most. I questioned her before, why didn't she study art if that’s what she like the most. Her answer startled me. Her parents wanted her to have an office job, where it’s comfortable, you’ll be protected under the roof and you won’t suffer from working all day under the sun. So she went for it. And those years spent studying what she think will complete her life, brought her to this group. They were walking around, looking for ideas. That was when they came across an audition. The bright poster made her walk into the building and sign up for the audition. She did everything she was told to. While she auditioned, her friends’ jaw dropped, the judges too. But I was mesmerized in a way I won’t be able to explain. The way she transformed into a fair maiden, and return to her actual self. I won’t be able to forget that day. A voice whispered to me, and though I’m not sure did I hear it for real or was it my imagination, I heard a voice said, that’s her, yours. Mine.

                The first person I met in the room was Harry. He is the senior in the group too. I haven’t seen him in a year so we were both surprised to see how we have changed. It seems like his habit of going to the gym had done wonders toward him. He is no longer that skinny, tall, four eyed guy. I bet if he got those six packs he dreamed off under his shirt now. Good for him. As for me, I still look the same I guess. I did nothing much since last year except learning how to be a student again. Worth it I guess. I got that master in my hand right now and I’m sure I’ll be able to do more with our group. Well, if they still count me as one of them. I sure hope they do. I sure hope that she does.

                As I peeked into the girls’ dressing room, I look for one familiar face. The room is empty but I know that someone is still in there. When I see her, she will be either reading or drawing her ideas for the costumes. It has always been like that. She will be here, even when there is no show, no practice, and no other businesses to be done. So I stepped into the room. One step, two steps, three steps. There she is. She had her book in her hands, a few dresses on her lap and a mug of hot chocolate drink on her table next to her. The dim light reflected on the ring in her hand. She lifted her head slowly. That look on her face, when she saw it was me, who was standing on front of her. I hope I didn't shock her too much.

                She had worn a few different rings before, and she bought them all. She wears them just for fun, just because she loves all those designs. No doubt that the one she is wearing right now is just one of her collections.  But unfortunately, I doubt that doubt. If I’m not mistaken, I saw her lips tremble. Her eyes locked at mine. That brown eyes, beautifully framed by her eyelashes. As our eyes meet, I started to gather all the courage to ask her that question. My legs feel weak! Too weak that I know I can’t stand for long. I walked slowly and rest my legs when I finally sit next to her. Slowly, I opened my numb jaw.

                “How are you?” I think my lips tremble, but I hope I look cool in front of her.

                She lifted both of her shoulders, smiled and says “You see me now.”

                I wanted to get closer but I reached for her hands instead, and filled in my fingers in between hers. It feels so warm, the way it has always been. And instantly, her smile feels warmer too.

                There’s just something about the ring on her finger. It’s like I've seen it before. It’s like… and suddenly my eyes are wide open. Please don’t, please, please tell me that I’m wrong. Tell me I didn't saw the same diamond on Harry’s finger just now.

                I brought her hands closer to my face. My eyes shifted from her eyes, then to the ring and then to her eyes again. Our eyes did the talking. My heart crumbled a few moments later. Two drops of tears fall running down her cheeks as she nodded. I keep looking at her as she pulled her hands away. The only sound I hear for the next few moments is her sob.

                Ten minutes later, I was already outside the building. Slowly, I got into the car, but then I hit the gas as hard as I can. Driving the car home, I wished I’d lose control but I arrived home safely. And when I opened the front door, I stepped onto an invitation. That was when my tears fall. I cried as I laid my back on the back of the door.

                This feeling in my heart, the heat I feel on my face, the cold sweat behind my neck, the way my arms shiver, how I can’t feel my legs. My evening ended perfectly terrible.

                She have made her choice, therefore I shall let her go her own way. The sun is not up yet and the plane is still a few hours ahead but I’m already at her doorstep. Of course I won’t knock; I’m not that cruel to ruin her most meaningful day. Though, I really wanted to do so. And I stood there feeling helpless. Staring at the wooden door, I imagine her slowly come out, in white dress, and she draws that sweet smile on her face.

                In front of this door, I asked her out for the first time. On our third date, she let me hug her for the first time. I used to wait for her all night, just to clear that little misunderstanding. So many things happened, and I wouldn't mind going through it all over again. I hold my breath as I put down the blue box and envelope that I've brought. I can’t afford to see her again. Not when I know that I can’t make her mine anymore.

I as walked away, I look up at the sky. I should start a new life, but not today. Let me reminisce the time I had with her, and the future that I wasn't able to make a reality. I’m not sure if I’ll ever move on, but let me think of her today… I promise that there’ll be an end, but it is surely not today.

Friday, September 6, 2013

Reaching out from the mess

I really thought that I can hold myself from writing anything in here before I finish all of my assignments but now here I am writing. 

I'm clueless about my own state right now
I don't know if I'm in air, or liquid or solid state right now.
Today in class we were asked to make acrostic poem using our own names
I wrote mine and I thought that it's clear that I'm already in Christmas mood
I can't wait to see all my relatives.

Temptation and promises
I broke one just now by writing this entry
I almost broke it yesterday when I picked up a novel
and I know that it will never work with crochet
I just hope that I'm not doing too bad.

A pink letter hung on my dashboard
A glance of it each morning
Reminds me of those other things I wish to achieve in the future
As if she's saying that I need to work hard today
So that I'll get closer to them each day.

...I'll bury myself in these...
only after I finish all of my work

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Her Engagement Day

...because I couldn't focus in finishing my assignments, I think I better find a good excuse. So here I am. 
This year I had the chance to celebrate Raya with my cousins. I missed it last year but I had no regret because I was joining SYD-3.
This year's Raya was not only Raya for us, but it was also our head cousin's engagement! We were all so excited for her. I guess we're all excited since she is the first among us to get engaged. Her engagement was kinda my experiment. I have to start learning so why don't I start with the closest ones to me right?

The last picture is definitely my favourite. I love the way her happiness reflected through her smile.
 If you notice, the ketupat is quite small. I was getting frustrated because I couldn't find a wide enough leaf to make a normal sized ketupat so I thought why don't I give it a try. Worth it, it looked cute enough in my eyes. Plus, it was my first time doing it. muehehe.
There, I finally wrote something.
Now I better get back to my assignments. Thank you for reading ^^

Saturday, August 3, 2013

Little bit of everything

Writing very early in the morning. a few hours, I'll be on the plane and be brought home. This is my very first time staying just one more day before going home. I mean alone. I haven't been feeling great about it, because I see my friends leave one by one. Guess I was too used to rushing home. After lecture, I'll rush to the hostel, I'll rush making the last minute packing, I'll rush getting down the stairs, I'll rush getting to the airport. But this time I don't have to do that. I have a lot of times. A lot of times, to think, to reflect everything. 

...and lately
My hair has grown longer. By that I mean my bangs. I haven't let it grow longer lately. 
The other day I decided to pull my hair back and wear a ponytail. A little conversation on hair happened. So when I got back to hostel, I looked at myself in the mirror. I noticed the baby hair on my hairline. When was the last time I had these? I asked myself. I kind of forgotten how they look like in the early stage of their life. Slightly waved. The way I learned to love it as a child. That brings back memory, when I was trying to grow my hair. I remember I said to never let my hair down. It'll always be in ponytail but now I'm not even good in tying my own hair. 

...feeling kinda sad to leave this place now
Maybe because life has been to good to me lately. But I still want to go home. A lot of things happened in last few months. I don't even have the right word to describe them. The ups and downs are higher and lower than the usual. But of course, the ones that make me smile are the permanent ones in my heart. It's all about time, that one period you feel nothing at all but in the end you learn that you learned loving all those things. 

I followed a blog challenge recently. It was a great experience as it really helped me in opening up my minds. I started to think about the things that I don't even bother before. I almost gave up the other day. I felt like I told too much. But someone had encouraged to keep writing so thanks to her. I finished it. 

I can't wait to get home. So much things to be done but I'll take it positively. 
Happy holiday ^^

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

A source of happiness ~ Blog Challenge Day 31

Finally, it's Day 31.
Somehow I don't feel like I deserve to write something like this. An inspiring note as the closure for this blog challenge. I might not have enough experience compare to the other but I try to write based on what I feel. It is also kind of a reminder for me. Here, it's 297 words...

It’s beautiful when everyone around you is smiling. It is not just the curves on their faces, it is the sincerity that appears on their lips and shone through their glimmering eyes. If you haven’t noticed that, take a look at their faces whenever you’re around them. Look at them in their eyes, and cherish that moment. Preferably when they aren't looking at you, so that you’ll see their truest smile. Keep it in your mind, and treasure it in your heart. When my friends are happy, I’m always happier than them. And why is that? A smile from other can always instantly lift my spirit up. So why don’t you do the same? Smile :) Happiness is not something that you can generate by yourself. You need it from someone else. You can’t expect to be happy alone. If there’s something that you dislike about them, look for the things that make you admire them. It might be their smile, the way they act when they’re excited, or maybe how restless they can be. Often in times of anger or dissatisfaction, we overlook the good side of them. That isn’t fair. You’ll never know what they truly feel inside. You’ll never know if they’re secretly crying, trying to hide the fact that they’re sorry. Maybe you won’t even know, if they're feeling sorry for the things that are totally fine with you. No matter what will happen, you mustn't think of you alone. When it becomes too hard for you to handle, ask for His Guidance. He will never let you go through things alone. In fact, He's always there with you. Sometimes when you look back, you can tell that it was Him working. Friends are gift from God, love them with all your heart. 

p/s to blog challenge host, this blog challenge had been a great journey for me ^^
Opened my mind in various ways

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Theme of my life ~ Blog Challenge Day 30

I can't give a solid answer but I've always hold on to this ....

Treat others the way you want to be treated

Monday, July 29, 2013

Thing I don't learn from school ~ Blog Challenge Day 29

~Survival in social life~

I don't know what else to say. I just don't think that I learned anything about social life in school. I feel as if I struggled alone. This word came into my mind feel alone in a crowded room...

 Don't misunderstood me. I had fun in middle school. I miss those years. I do feel like going back to that time, but not to the point where I want to go through it all over again. 

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Greatest advice ~ Blog Challenge Day 28

~1 Petrus 3: 8-12~

 Helped me went through that night
and it keeps strengthening me till this day.
Read them :)

Saturday, July 27, 2013

If I can switch my life with someone else ~ Blog Challenge Day 27

 I can't think of anyone to switch my life with but I think I'll pick among the celebrities or anyone who works on stage.
 I just want to find out where do they get their confidence. 
I need to boost my confidence level, I can't depend on adrenaline alone.

Ten years later ~ Blog Challenge Day 26

~I do not know what to expect but I've learned to dream and find hope in everything~

Earlier this year, in a camp, we made a board where we would paste pictures of what we think will happen to us, ten years from now. My head itch from trying to figure out which picture should I cut from the magazine. Figuring the future is so much fun, yet full of doubts and uncertainties. 

So, I looked back at it. I saw the royal couple's picture. I saw a family of three, having breakfast together. I saw a picture of a child, with violin in her hand. I saw a picture of maybe a band. There's even a picture of a few nuns, walking in some kind of village. But the pictures that has my whole attention are the maps and the train. 

So I tried to figure out what I just predicted. It was more like a hope, I guess.
Maybe ten years later, I already have my own family. With children. Oh my. Or maybe I'll be that kind of girl, who never stay at one place. I said so because of the map and the train. Who knows maybe I'll be traveling the world, just like what I dreamed off. I want to go to Ireland, Paris, Japan and China. With the nuns' picture, maybe I'll have the chance to visit Bethlehem too. Yes, I want to visit those places. I think, I will spend most of my time travelling. Who knows I might find marvelous adventures and maybe the one, while travelling. 

Ten years later...
there's someone who is just like me, waiting to be revealed. She is a better person than she was, right now. And she's waiting patiently for me to shape her. She's not telling me what she sees. So I'll wait patiently and enjoy what life brings to me right now. 

Thursday, July 25, 2013

I was fifteen ~ Blog Challenge Day 25

Five years ago, I was a middle school student.
 It was the year I had my PMR. I was busy, trying to get the best in exam. I was busy, thinking of the next year. Should I stay in the same school or should I try applying to another school? I was very sure that I'm going to be what I dreamed off. 

Five years ago, I didn't have a lot of friend to go to when I have problems.
 Not sure I had one because I was the one who were always absent when it comes to gathering outside school. You see, my parents didn't allow me to go out like the other kids. I was always at home. And I didn't have facebook yet. Bet all of you had already forgotten friendster. I was on it all the time but it didn't connect me enough with the other. Lady Gaga's song used to be my background song for it. I myself, was shocked when I recall back. 

Five years ago, I was deeply in love with this one boy. 
Not sure if at that time, it was love, though. I had never told him what I really felt. I suddenly stopped talking to him the year before. Not sure if the other classmate noticed but I was still liking him. I heard many bad things about him but I didn't care, and I kept my feeling to myself. Our school has a habit of changing your class each year if you didn't score enough in exam. So he was separated from the class I was in. I felt down for a few days, knowing that I won't be able to look at him during class anymore. 
Sigh, typical middle school student always have this kind of memory.

Five years ago, I was a girl with no confidence at all.
 I guess nothing changed about that, I still doubt every steps I'm taking. I'm still afraid to do what I really want to do. I'm still afraid to do things in my own way. 

Maybe, maybe my pace is just a little slow than the other. I looked back and I am actually surprised at the things that I never thought I would do. Five years ago, I have never pictured myself being in this place. I didn't even knew that this place exist. I have never pictured myself doing what I'm doing right now. Somehow I leave the rest to the wind, let it take me to where I deserve. And that's how I reach this place I'm studying in right now. 
But I'm sure it wasn't just the wind, I believe that He blew the wind. 

Five years ago, I was fifteen.
 I was a student, studying not only subjects at school, but also life. And I learn more as I get older. There's more to come, and I hope that I can be a better version of myself.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

If I have a million dollar ~ Blog Challenge Day 24

Ignore the dollar in the title, you know which currency I'm talking about right? 

I thought of this question before, but I've never really had a solid answer. Well, to think that it's quite impossible and how much extra things I'll need to deal with. I just need enough money to survive and to get a few things that I desire.

If I have a million dollar, I'll take maybe a little amount, just enough, and give the rest to my parents. I believe they know how to handle it better. They are always working hard to feed us so I think it's just right to give them the money. If the money stays with me, they'll just rust in the bank. I wouldn't make anything good out of it. 

I would love to make some donation. Back then I wouldn't think of it but I read this one book. The way it describe how the donation boxes in grocery store are always abandoned, made me feel ashamed of myself. Those extra coins when I receive my balance, it wouldn't hurt to insert a coin or maybe two right? To think that I was worried that people around me will turn to look at me. sigh. I should really work on that. Therefore, if I have the opportunity to give just a little bit more, I would love to do so.

That's all I would do, I guess. 
A million dollar is a huge amount of money so a good management is needed. I don't have the skill so I better not get all at once (like it would happen :p) haha~


Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Teachers ~ Blog Challenge Day 23

I’ll take this as a chance to acknowledge the teachers who made me who I am today. No, I’m not going to write their names. I have never been too excited with teacher’s day, actually. I don’t know why. I think everyday should be teacher’s day. Not just one particular day to be extra nice to them. No, it doesn’t work like that. That is my honest opinion.

               I still remember a few teachers who gave a lot of impact towards me, and I’m sure my ex-classmates too. That one teacher, he was a trainee, he was already married, he told us, and he has children around our age. I remember him because he treated us as if we were his children. My eyes feel watery now.

There’s this teacher, she was already retired but she held tuition. My English was very very bad during that time, so father sent me to her. She was very nice towards us and the method she used was very good. I didn’t realize that until the day I got my UPSR result. I have never met her again after I finished primary school, but I have always remembered her.

In secondary school, I met another teacher. Again, my father sent me to her. It was not hard to get along with her. She has a good sense of humor too. To tell you the truth, I developed love in English when I was learning with her. She was able to show what I can do with English.

I want to go on and on and on but I can’t describe them I way I wanted. Plus my headache is killing me right now…So I guess I better end this right here and doze off.

Dear teacher, what I know now is everything you told me. Maybe I learned new things without your guidance, but I wouldn't have the initiative if you didn't encourage me to do so. This rarely come from me but, I love you, teachers ^^

Monday, July 22, 2013

Dear future me... ~ Blog Challenge Day 22

Hi there, it's you. It's you from back then, talking to the future you. 

You had no idea about 'you' in the future. So you had no idea on what to write. You, when you were writing this, had no idea if you'll still be the same. If you remember, you thought that you will never change the way you are. But you did change. You became a better person. Just better, you'd say. You were sure that you'll still be the same person, but you were also sure that, you've probably achieved something. Whatever it is, you hope that it's something that you will be proud of.

No matter what kind of life you'll live in the future, don't forget to look back sometimes and be grateful for what you've been through. Looking back is not a bad thing, it's a reminder of your tracks in this world. A reminder of what made you 'you'. A reminder that you are at the moment, alive. 

You have decided to take the route that you have found there. Never walk out of it. You have gone through a lot of obstacles, and you know there's more waiting ahead of you. For sure they'll be tougher. But never be discouraged for He'll always be with you. Focus and listen to the soft whisper of His angels. 
One more thing, be patient. His timing is the best.

Enjoy your life the way it is now, so that later in your life, when you look back, you'll smile with no regrets. 

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Girls talk eh? ~ Blog Challenge Day 21

Some girly talks are just meant for girls, so I'll be filtering things. miahaha
So I immediately think of looks, you know make up, clothes and etc... because we're girls, I assume that you know that. 

My first priority in fashion is comfort. So if I don't feel comfortable in an attire, I might think twice or thrice before wearing it again.I enjoy matching a piece with another piece but I never really put them on. Make up, well it looks good on other people. Perfume, hardly like any. Only on certain occasions. Shoes, flat sandals and wedges. To tell the truth, I spent more attention on my hair.

One thing I'm kind of addicted to is, natural ingredients. 
I like watching and reading tutorials on DIY mask, using ingredients around us. I've watched many but only tried some. My favourite is the one using yogurt and oat. I've read in magazine that soy milk prevent hair growth, and surprisingly it works! Only tried it once though, out of curiosity. Maybe the weirdest thing I've ever done was making my own papaya vinegar. The book I read claims that it can be used as a toner. I agree, but I prefer mixing it with hot water and steam face with it. It was a great experience, except for the smell. I can go on and on but then I won't stop writing...

I actually dreamed of working full time in crafting. Yes, I like crafts. I like DIY things. I like crochet the most. I can spend the whole day crocheting if I want to. I like it when my bed is covered with balls of yarns. I crochet even during lecture, to kill time and to prevent my eyes from shutting down. 
And I'm willing to learn more, because they're just so exciting to explore. You'll never know what you could produce until you've done it. Last year holiday, I tried sewing guided by my aunt. Phew it was a lot of work. But I love the satisfaction after finishing my so called project. According to my eyes, it's not good enough but I'll make sure to practice more in the future :)

So, is this girly enough? ehehe. Like I wrote up there, some girly talks are just meant for girls so that makes me have less things to write. Anyway, hope you enjoyed and bye~

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Wake up rain….

That very night, I did something I haven’t done in years.
It just felt right.
The moment I started shivering,
What I was looking for came slowly into my mind.
I went back to sleep with the answers.
I didn’t mean to shock anyone, that’s why I chose that time.
I’m sorry to those who were worried for me.
Thank you...

Trust me, I was totally aware that night.

I go out ~ Blog Challenge Day 20

Two weeks ago, I was in the church attending morning mass with my friends. In front of our row were this auntie and her little son. I have always seen this auntie before but it was the first time I've seen her with her son. I was touched when I saw her son went on his knee before entering the row with her. 

My my, that little boy has so much energy. He was constantly talking to us, showing us his scars and play with our stuff. At some point I was getting annoyed (well, having a lot of siblings make me good at getting annoyed), but I tried to play along with him. I mean I tried to stay calm and focus on the preaching. I'm glad that I made it somehow. 

Then the magic happens. It was maybe after the communion, because I remember I instantly talked to my friend. The little boy was standing on the bench. I realize that he was waving at a little girl. He doesn't seem like he know her. They were just like, instantly become each other's friend. My heart was suddenly filled with blooming flowers. I felt inspired. 

It was one of the most beautiful things that had happened to me this year. It was beautiful to see children, whose hearts are still pure, getting to know each other. When they become someone's friend, they have no other intention other than being friends with them. They don't judge. They treat people around them equally. Even with strangers. 

I've mentioned before that I'm always inspired by strangers. So in order to get inspired, I go out. Maybe the word stranger is not good enough but that's how I like to describe them. Some strangers I met are now among the most important person in my life. Well, all kinds of relationship start with being friend with strangers right?

Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm not only inspired by strangers. It is just happen to be the most appealing things to me since I rarely meet new people when I was so much younger. So when I began stepping into the outer world, I was mesmerized at how much things I've overlooked. 

Friday, July 19, 2013

Overcoming Fears ~ Blog Challenge Day 19

I never really knew what to do. I'm just sort of letting the fear enjoy making me feel miserable. 
How many times have I promised myself that I won't over think, but failed every times. In the end, I'm the only one crying, feel miserable and guilty while the other might not think of it at all. 

I guess the best way to overcome fear is to never let it take you down. I figured out that as long as I don't give up, something good will always come up. Don't keep it all by yourself. Back then it was very hard for me to open up, so I wrote them. But I have never really keep them. I don't even know the whereabouts of those papers now. Writing was my most favourite thing in the past, even more now. If only they knew why did I write too much. It was the only way for me to escape my reality. 

Good thing is, I managed to find another pleasure in writing. So I can't really look back and hate everything. Those were the things that made me who I am today. Fear, that feeling will keep coming back to us. Like now, I fear that I might not be strong enough to face another problem. 

...but the future is a surprise, we don't know what He has planned for us. So I'll keep my fingers crossed and ask for His guidance.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

What I love -places-? ~ Blog Challenge Day 18

Its kind of ironic when I can say that I love this particular place, but can't give any reason why. I know, there must be something, I just can't think of any yet. 
I guess, what make a place my favourite is the feeling it can offer to me. If that's how it goes, then my favourite places are my home, my room at hostel and the little church near campus. 

Of course, all of us love being home. No matter what age we are. The feeling of being home is just so comfortable and secure. Its always nice to be at home where I can be sure that no one will hurt me. I'm in the hand of people I trust the most. The definition of home might be different for some people, but the kind of feeling it gives is still the same. I am blessed to have a place to go back to when holiday arrives. In my dictionary, home is a synonym of family. I believe that it's like that for everyone :)

~My room at hostel~
My room is located on the second floor, positioned at the corner of the building. Kind of isolated I must say. Even more now because people on my floor are moving to the first floor. Comfort and calm is the weather of my room. Sometimes, the weather went bad too. It's the only place where I feel secure and it's the only place where I feel 'free', because it's my room. My personal room in campus. While the other enjoy having another companion with them, I prefer owning the room alone. Well, I meet enough people throughout the day, I want some times for me alone too. It's necessary for me. One other thing I love about my room is the view from the windows. I can see the faded hills and the yin yang roundabout (that's what I like to call it). 
They are, for me, pretty. 

~The little church~
There's something about this place that I can't explain. I just simply love this place. Maybe I fell in love with the warmth it gives. It draws me away from my schedule in campus and make me feel homey when I'm actually far far away from home. I found the route I've been looking for at all this time, at this place. It took me awhile to realize how He worked but His angels are around me, helping and guiding me to stay in the route that I've decided to take.

I guess that is all. Maybe not but that's all I can share for now ^^

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Foods!!! ~ Blog Challenge Day 17

~The definition of good food is endless~

 Even chefs have different taste from the other chefs.
 But I believe that no matter how you describe what you call foods, you'll always say that your mom's cooks are the best. For me, both of my parents cook quite well. Their cooking can always make me drool. Last holiday I pushed my father to cook steamed tilapia fish for me. He rarely cook now so that's why. ehehe...

When it comes to favourite, I guess I don't have much but there are foods that I constantly have.
As a Malaysian, I love nasi lemak. As a Sabahan, I love hinava.
There's this food that I usually have only on Sunday.
I eat rice almost daily, does that make it my favourite? Oh joking. haha. 
Typical Asian eat rice for like everyday.
okay now I feel like I'm blabbing too much

I know that this kind of post is better with pictures but I don't think the ones in my mind is appropriate here *winkwink*

Before I write more nonsense I guess I better put an end to this topic so bye ~

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Favourite Blogs ~ Blog Challenge Day 16

The topic I've been waiting for.

There's this blog. Luck brought me to it. I was pressing the next button(or link) we all know where it is located. Maybe I clicked on it for a few times but I remember well that I fell in love with this particular blog.

Here it is:
You'll know why if you visit her blog.

I'm a liar if I say that that's my only favourite but I don't feel like listing the others. 
Probably because you girls(and guys) know them, quite well, in real life.
So I'll let you guess. It might be you ^^

Monday, July 15, 2013

Favourite Songs ~ Blog Challenge Day 15

~I was close to giving up, but here I am still writing~

I have no favourite -oh this might be my favourite line now-
I don't even know which genre I love the most. 
There's is song though, I love the melody.
I've been spending years, humming that melody, and even try to make my own song with that kind of rhythm.
I just got to know the title few months ago. It was a song I heard as a child. A song from Indonesian Band. 
I really miss it when songs were simple...

That's why I prefer evergreen songs.
 As a child, I listen to oldies almost all of the times. My parents love those songs.
I do not know much but I guess that the fun of it. Listen something new from the past.

Here is a list of oldies that I know:
1. Seven lonely days.
2. Words.
3. The Wedding.
4. Only You.
5. Country road.
6. Sealed With A Kiss.
7. Forever Young.
8. Close to You.
9. Sad Movie.
10. Obladi Oblada. 
I can't remember the rest....
Forgive me if I spell any song titles wrongly. I only know the title as most of the songs I heard are already been covered by some younger singers. 

Often when I have no I idea of what song to listen to, Gospel songs will do. 
~There's nothing better than listening to Him~

The Wind Blows

The weather were just calming down
So there I was, taking a walk
Everything seems fine, the colours were all soft
And how stupid I was, to stay outside for too long

In the middle of the field I stood
Smiling as a feeling of peace sneaked into my soul
A swirl of air formed, but I can barely see it
And without my consciousness
The wind blows

Startled, I said nothing
But I stood there, not knowing what to do
I've come so far to feel this way
But now that the wind blows
I can never forget how it made me feels.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

~Love~ Blog Challenge Day 14

It’s been a while since I’ve been trying to avoid using the word ‘Love’ when it comes to relationship, except with my families. I find it easy to say “I love this book!’ and “I love this scent!’ but when it comes to the stage after friendship, it’s suddenly a hard word to relate to. I can never be sure of my feeling when it comes to such matter. Or maybe, it’s more like I’m afraid to allow myself to feel like that.

Earlier this year, I had a hard period regarding to this word. It feels as if I've lost the spark. As if I can never feel anything about it anymore. I was down for quite some times. I keep telling myself that maybe, maybe He is taking my feeling for a while, until He’s sure that I can handle it. I keep that in my heart to everywhere I go.

Somehow He gave it back to me recently, but I still can’t figure it out. I can’t seem to figure out my own feeling yet. I’m scared when I think of it. I’m scared. All my insecurities, all my doubts, all my fears, I can feel them dwelling in me. I’m trying to get rid of those things… but I can never be sure if I’ll succeed.

When it comes to such matter, at least two souls are involved. I’m sorry to all of you. The guilt, the apology, is on me. I’m sorry.

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Pictures of the day ~ Blog Challenge Day 13

Since I'm out today, I'll be posting random picturesSince I rarely post any pictures, so this challenge is quite fun for me ^^

~These are some of the pictures that I hold dearly in my heart~

One of my favourite pictures with the seniors. This one is taken by Bumbum on our Welcoming Junior at St. Paul. I was one of the juniors celebrated. Seniors in this picture are Bara, Montuk and Dera.
This event was the start of my real journey in my faith ^^

It's blurry as my camera is not suitable for this kind of scene, and I'm don't have the skill. But I'm putting a 'yet' back there.
It was 23/06/2013. The day we were told that Super Moon would appear. Well, it was 'super' enough for me. It was still visible when I stepped out of my room at 5 am.
I smiled as I made my way to the bathroom.

I was trying the jelly lens given by my sister. It is quite fun actually. This is one of my favourite. I love the dark edges. Truth is I haven't use this thing a lot yet, therefore my choice is limited. 

The old hospital.
I used to play with my sisters and neighbours at this place. My old place was close to this hospital so it was one of our playground back then. To think that I hate hospital now, is quite saddening for me.
The service in this hospital now is only for those with dental problem. But I don't know for sure, since it has been a long time since I visited this place.

Friday, July 12, 2013

well… ~ Blog Challenge Day 12

~Allow me to be a little bit too emotional~

If I am brave enough
I would have said everything I wanted to, to him.
I would have turned a deaf ear to what people say about him.
I would have confronted him face to face.
I would have started talking to him again and maybe,
Maybe if I was brave enough
I would have owned him even just for a while...

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Bad Habits ~ Blog Challenge Day 11

I need to write about bad habits. Oh, I have loads of them...

I have more than you can imagine…

~Minor bad habits~

1.      Letting the music plays all night.
2.      Sniffing excessively on detergents. Explanation! I don’t always do this. Only when it’s citrus :p
3.      Doodle on my hands.
4.      Leave my phone everywhere.
5.      Hide foods.
6.      Being clumsy in everything.

~Major bad habits~

I’ll let them stay a secret.
I’m not going to reveal everything ^^

It's everyone's secret anyway...

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Life Outside ~ Blog Challenge Day 10

~ Live to your definition of life ~

Nothing too great I must say. My routine is almost the same. I meet the same people everyday but amazingly I never feel bored. In my previous post, I mentioned that I didn’t have the kind of life that people would describe as ‘life’. Nevertheless, I think I still have life. I think I still live and feel the same way. Well, I began to actually go out with my friends. They opened up my eyes to every possibility in our life.

One thing about me, I enjoy time of my own. That’s why sometimes when I’m out to town with my friends, I tend to walk alone. It’s challenging and it’s comfortable. I’ll get to see things from my own perspective and I have time to think, to hear what I truly feel at that time, and I can see what are the things happening around me. I just happen to find comfort in that way.

Of course I do go out with my friends. I don’t walk alone that often. At most of the time, I’ll be walking here and there with them. We’ll decide where we’ll eat and what to do to kill time.  Sometimes, we’ll just waste time at any random restaurant. We ordered drinks only and sit there for like almost an hour. I feel bad sometimes but hey, I bought drinks. Sometimes, we’ll just enter any random store and linger, then we’ll 
come out empty handed. I lied. I’ll probably get something that I will never use. Girls’ problem.

Again, it’s hard for me to actually open up about these things. It sounds too personal but I take this as the opportunity to make a few things clearer to those around me.

That’s all for now … Goodnight ^^ 

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Friendship ^^ ~ Blog Challenge Day 9

~ Friendship is the colour of your life
It leads you to every other aspects of life ~

It has always been hard for me to mix with people. I have the kind of experiences that made me feel like that. Mostly when I was in primary school but of course life won’t stay the same, so here I am now feeling excited to write more on this topic.

When it comes to friendship, I try not to get too attached to only one group of friend. I mean, won’t it be nice if you can be everybody’s friend? I’m close to my girls here in IP but I also tried to get along with everyone. It’s always a wonderful feeling when you get to see your friends smile without any worries. For me, friends are your family when you’re far from home. So it’s necessary to take care of their feeling without sacrificing your own. That’s one of my lessons so far.

Whenever I’m with my friends, I tend to give my attentions to them alone. Things are like this for me, I get lost in the state I’m currently in. Therefore, when I’m in IP, I rarely try to connect to my friends in my hometown. When I’m back in my hometown, it’s the other way around. I prefer to communicate face to face, though it’s rather hard when it becomes too emotional. It’s not only me right? I have trouble in saying things directly at others. I’d rather write and let them guess. Maybe that’s my weakness as a friend, but knows that I’ll try to be a good friend. I’ll try to make you feel like you are my friend, just like what they did to me ^^

Dear you and you and you and you
Thank you for being my friend
Know that even if places and commitments may separate us
You’ll always be in my heart, in my memory
For the time being, let’s make some memories while we’re still together

God bless you my friends :)

Monday, July 8, 2013

Families ^^ ~ Blog Challenge Day 8

            I don’t really like to talk about my family.  I mean, they are too precious for me that I tend to keep my most honest opinion about them to myself. I usually share the funny ones only. It just doesn’t feel right to make it public publicly. Nevertheless, I still feel excited since this is something.

          Family or kazoku in Japanese, is my top priority in life. The reason I didn’t have the kind of life that people would describe as ‘life’ before was I tend to stay at home with them. It always come to my thought that later on, when I pursue my study, I won’t be able to stay 24/7 at home and feel the kind of comfort you can only get from home. So I tried to make my times at home as worth as possible. I and my sisters are not allowed to own handphone before we finish our SPM. That wasn’t a disadvantage for us because we can go online to connect to our friends. We actually had time for each other. I remember those days waiting for the quiet of the nights to come and I and my sister will tell each other what happened in school that day. I was the only one who went to Malay school. I usually stay alone at home after school, so I used that time to do chores and watch youtube videos. That was my routine for at least two years. Sometimes I’ll try to bake with my very poor skill, so of course my baking weren’t good at all but my sisters ate them anyway. That’s one thing about me and my sisters, we don’t care if our baking doesn’t look like the way it is supposed to be. As long as it tastes good, we’ll eat them. I remember them fighting over the poor pizza I tried to bake. Haha. I remember the pandan cake my sister bake, she experimented it with almond and as a result, it was too sweet. The only two people who ate the cake were me and my father. We keep saying that the almond is a great idea. Oh, I guess I’m sharing another thing here, I love my mother’s pumpkin cake. Oh, I’m craving now.  

           I like to call myself as the Head Princess, as I’m the eldest among five daughters. Yeap, we’re all girls. Last year’s holiday, four of us bought the same style of clothes. The only difference was the colour. The last one didn’t get one because my mom bought her a few Barbie’s CDs and new Barbie’s bag and a few other new stuffs. Plus, there was no size for her and teenagers’ style would look awkward on little kid. The shop owner asked us, if we’re friends and we were like okay…awkward moment there.

When I came to Tawau two years ago, I slowly develop friendship with my two new families here. They’re the TESL family and St. Paul family.

~TESL Family~

Since there’re only 49 of us, it’s easy to get along with everyone. Of course I needed time, in fact I still need it but I can say that our bond is quite strong. I don’t worry much as we still have time to really deepen our bond. We have 3 person walked out of the campus, but I know that they aren’t walking out from our family. Earlier this year, 2 people came in and now they’re part of us too.

~St.Paul Family~

They are the reason I feel motivated to come back to Tawau whenever our holiday ends. There’s this feeling I’ll always get when we get together. I can’t describe the way I feel but you can be sure that I’m comfortable with it. Being the eldest, I’ve always wanted older brothers and sisters. Here in this family, I feel blessed to have all of them. I can finally be the little sister. They are the greatest blessing I get here.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Dream Vacations ~ Blog Challenge Day 7

As a child, I dreamed of going to oversea. I wanted to touch snow so badly.
The only countries I knew back then were America and England. So I kept saying that I one day I will visit at least one of those countries. 
I still dream of that now. I want to get buried in the snow, despite the fact that I can't even stand the early morning cold in Kundasang.
I want to visit Ireland and America for its weather, and by that I mean winter.
I want to visit Japan and China for their foods.

And I guess the most important place is the ~Vatican City~ 
I want to pray in the church over there. 
My aunt showed me some pictures that her friends had taken during their trip to Jerusalem. As a child, those pictures were just pictures but amazingly I remember those pictures until now. 
If I can only visit one county, it will be between the Vatican City or Jerusalem because I want to visit the place where He'd stand before. I want to see the view He could possibly saw.  

See, I'm not good in this dreaming thingy but I'm satisfied with this one ^^

Saturday, July 6, 2013

A Heart Wrenching Movie ~ Blog Challenge Day 6

As I'm not a movie maniac, I don't know a lot of movies like my friends. Therefore, I don't have enough movies to refer to. I have a habit of waiting until people around me to cool down about the movies that they're talking about before watching them. But I among the movies that I've watched there are some that captured my heart.

~Crazy Little Thing Called Love~
Yeap, that's the movie. It had been in my laptop for one year before I finally decided to watch it, and it was because I couldn't sleep. The reason I chose this movie is I really cried. I mean the tears come naturally. There are some movies that I cried watching because I was in need to let go something.
When I watch this movie, I was totally calm. The journey started with a smile, then laughter, then finally the tears.

~Maybe the big question here is what made me cry?~
I cried watching the part when the boy's feeling was finally revealed. When I see that the girl failed to see the reason he smiled. Ohhh, I don't know how to describe that. It is said in the description that this movie is based on everyone's true story...and yeah I can totally relate to that *sigh* that very night I was remembered of the story I tried to hide from me.

This is not the only movie that made me cry, but it feels right to share this one. So if you haven't watch this movie, go, google it.

Until the next challenge, bye ^^

Friday, July 5, 2013

Childhood Dreams ~ Blog Challenge Day 5

To tell the truth, there's not much I can think about when I started writing for this challenge. But still there's some. So here they are ...

As I got a little bit older, the library slowly became my playground. That was when I thought of the dreams I'm going to tell. 
I dream of owning my own tuition center, with a nursery service. 
I dream of owning a bookstore with a cafe in it. Just imagine you get to read with nice cup of hot chocolate!

Those are the first few things that came into my mind. 

When I reread my draft, I was like, did I not have life?
Of course like the other kids, I dream of meeting my prince charming played pretend marriage with my cousins. To stay close to my bestfriends. To visit every possible country. But those things meant nothing to me right now. I mean, I don't think of it the way I did when I was a kid. 

I guess I didn't dream big enough. Not enough to have something to remember. Well, my childhood has two sides, and I guess that one side affected me too much. I'd say that it affected me in a bad way. Oh well, it still made me who I am now. 

So far, this is the hardest challenge. I can barely think of anything right now. Wait, I think I can still write something, I when I was six, I wished that school is just a playground. 
Sigh, I hope I'll remember the bright side of my childhood. 

I can't wait to read what the other blogger has to say about this topic so write up^^ 

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Inspirations ~ Blog Challenge Day 4

Inspirations isn't something you can easily get. When I first started writing, my ideas were way worst than the way I write now. I had to hold my laugh and bear my red face whenever I read my old writing. But I sure had the idea, I wish I had wrote them nicer.

I get inspirations everywhere. Depend on the situations I'm in. Sometimes while I was crossing the road. Sometimes when I'm watching movies, having a conversation with a friend and even with strangers. Whenever I get new ideas of what to write, it always feel like I have a light bulb turned on above my head.
It always feel good.
It always feel as if I'm alive.
Alright alright I know I'm being too expressive here

Strangers actually inspires me a lot. It's beautiful how someone you never met before can suddenly mean something to you. In these few year I think I have encountered many situations with strangers. Some are good and some are ... well. They leave a pretty deep impression to me.
So if you see me going to places doing nothing but looking at other people, don't mind me. So far, my favourite place is the airport.

~I guess it's good to end this challenge with something I wrote recently
As I let the sun wipes my face, these words came into my mind~

I stayed in the dark because I was afraid of the sun.
It can be too bright that I can't even open my eyes
 to see what I'm suppose to see. 
So I stayed in the dark where I can hear sobs but can't see them
where I can hear laughter and smile along without being noticed.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Hide me ~ Blog Challenge Day 3

The fact that I like to doodle doesn't make me good at it. Just look at the picture below *face palm* sigh....
Just look at the harsh lines my my this is embarrassing 
I have no idea of what to write so I decided to write a little prayer ^^
I understand if you're laughing right now.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Why Do I Blog? ~ Blog Challenge Day 2

Well, the reason I made this blog at the first place is to kill time. I was in my SPM holiday and I was not allowed to work. But since I want this blog to resemble me, I slowly created a theme and a proper reason to write.
The unspoken? I picked that for my blog since I planned to write the things that I can't directly tell others. Yeah, of course I'm always out of topic. But I guess that's fine with me.
To make it simple ...

~I blog to express the unspoken things in me without revealing the story behind it~

Monday, July 1, 2013

20 Facts ~ Blog Challenge Day 1

Blog challenge has always sound interesting to me. So this month I'm going to go for it. Do check it out here. Maybe you'll be interested :)

When I read the first challenge, I was totally blank. I don't think that I have enough facts to tell the world. Or maybe more like there aren't enough facts that I can let them go public. But a challenge is a challenge. So I'm writing but only about the obvious thing. Well, at least to the people around me.

20 Facts about me~

 ~I’m a girl.
 ~I’m short.
 ~I’m a Christian.
 ~I’m from the Land Below The Wind
 ~The eldest among 5 sisters.
 ~Proud Dusun girl.
 ~My original hair is a mix of straight and corn like curls (I don't even know if I described them correctly).             Well, mostly straight.
 ~In the sequence of birthday among family members, my birthday is the last one.
 ~Not an animal lover.
 ~I own a blog.
 ~For me, food is the main attraction of a country.
 ~Waste money on cute notebooks that I will never use.
 ~People say that I’m a daddy’s girl.
 ~Love citrus fragrance.
 ~Addicted to orange juice.
 ~Love miscellaneous items.
 ~Love comedy.
 ~Love reading.
 ~Love writing.
 ~Have no exact favourite colour.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Here it is . . .

-Things has cool down so I guess I am able to write something-

          I never feel hurt. It was just awkward. You know when something you never saw coming is suddenly at your door. I admit, it happened before. And the way I acted is exactly the way I did back then. If I am correct, I lost my friendship with them. I said if because I myself is still unsure. 

          I wanted to say something but it didn't feel right. I hope I haven't lost this friendship yet because it was never easy. The fact that I've gone through this before doesn't make it easier for me to take it. It's something that I may not looking into now. Maybe not soon. Maybe not ever. Who knows. 

          I understand what you said. I ask for apology. I'm the one who should be asking for that.Though I have no right to say this, I hope this mess ends here and everything went back the way things were. My apology once again.