Monday, October 7, 2013

Too Late

The moment I've been waiting for is finally tomorrow. I’ll tell her, that I still love her.

                She is probably inside, with the other, working on another theater. She is probably among the most senior in the group. The fact that she has gained her degree and got a job does not stop her from doing what she like the most. I questioned her before, why didn't she study art if that’s what she like the most. Her answer startled me. Her parents wanted her to have an office job, where it’s comfortable, you’ll be protected under the roof and you won’t suffer from working all day under the sun. So she went for it. And those years spent studying what she think will complete her life, brought her to this group. They were walking around, looking for ideas. That was when they came across an audition. The bright poster made her walk into the building and sign up for the audition. She did everything she was told to. While she auditioned, her friends’ jaw dropped, the judges too. But I was mesmerized in a way I won’t be able to explain. The way she transformed into a fair maiden, and return to her actual self. I won’t be able to forget that day. A voice whispered to me, and though I’m not sure did I hear it for real or was it my imagination, I heard a voice said, that’s her, yours. Mine.

                The first person I met in the room was Harry. He is the senior in the group too. I haven’t seen him in a year so we were both surprised to see how we have changed. It seems like his habit of going to the gym had done wonders toward him. He is no longer that skinny, tall, four eyed guy. I bet if he got those six packs he dreamed off under his shirt now. Good for him. As for me, I still look the same I guess. I did nothing much since last year except learning how to be a student again. Worth it I guess. I got that master in my hand right now and I’m sure I’ll be able to do more with our group. Well, if they still count me as one of them. I sure hope they do. I sure hope that she does.

                As I peeked into the girls’ dressing room, I look for one familiar face. The room is empty but I know that someone is still in there. When I see her, she will be either reading or drawing her ideas for the costumes. It has always been like that. She will be here, even when there is no show, no practice, and no other businesses to be done. So I stepped into the room. One step, two steps, three steps. There she is. She had her book in her hands, a few dresses on her lap and a mug of hot chocolate drink on her table next to her. The dim light reflected on the ring in her hand. She lifted her head slowly. That look on her face, when she saw it was me, who was standing on front of her. I hope I didn't shock her too much.

                She had worn a few different rings before, and she bought them all. She wears them just for fun, just because she loves all those designs. No doubt that the one she is wearing right now is just one of her collections.  But unfortunately, I doubt that doubt. If I’m not mistaken, I saw her lips tremble. Her eyes locked at mine. That brown eyes, beautifully framed by her eyelashes. As our eyes meet, I started to gather all the courage to ask her that question. My legs feel weak! Too weak that I know I can’t stand for long. I walked slowly and rest my legs when I finally sit next to her. Slowly, I opened my numb jaw.

                “How are you?” I think my lips tremble, but I hope I look cool in front of her.

                She lifted both of her shoulders, smiled and says “You see me now.”

                I wanted to get closer but I reached for her hands instead, and filled in my fingers in between hers. It feels so warm, the way it has always been. And instantly, her smile feels warmer too.

                There’s just something about the ring on her finger. It’s like I've seen it before. It’s like… and suddenly my eyes are wide open. Please don’t, please, please tell me that I’m wrong. Tell me I didn't saw the same diamond on Harry’s finger just now.

                I brought her hands closer to my face. My eyes shifted from her eyes, then to the ring and then to her eyes again. Our eyes did the talking. My heart crumbled a few moments later. Two drops of tears fall running down her cheeks as she nodded. I keep looking at her as she pulled her hands away. The only sound I hear for the next few moments is her sob.

                Ten minutes later, I was already outside the building. Slowly, I got into the car, but then I hit the gas as hard as I can. Driving the car home, I wished I’d lose control but I arrived home safely. And when I opened the front door, I stepped onto an invitation. That was when my tears fall. I cried as I laid my back on the back of the door.

                This feeling in my heart, the heat I feel on my face, the cold sweat behind my neck, the way my arms shiver, how I can’t feel my legs. My evening ended perfectly terrible.

                She have made her choice, therefore I shall let her go her own way. The sun is not up yet and the plane is still a few hours ahead but I’m already at her doorstep. Of course I won’t knock; I’m not that cruel to ruin her most meaningful day. Though, I really wanted to do so. And I stood there feeling helpless. Staring at the wooden door, I imagine her slowly come out, in white dress, and she draws that sweet smile on her face.

                In front of this door, I asked her out for the first time. On our third date, she let me hug her for the first time. I used to wait for her all night, just to clear that little misunderstanding. So many things happened, and I wouldn't mind going through it all over again. I hold my breath as I put down the blue box and envelope that I've brought. I can’t afford to see her again. Not when I know that I can’t make her mine anymore.

I as walked away, I look up at the sky. I should start a new life, but not today. Let me reminisce the time I had with her, and the future that I wasn't able to make a reality. I’m not sure if I’ll ever move on, but let me think of her today… I promise that there’ll be an end, but it is surely not today.


3 comments:

Beatrice Anthony said...

this is sad..

SolehaDee said...

if this guy is really exist, I want to marry him :(

Juhainie zue said...

i love your writing mandy...so honestly written comes purely from heart. :)
keep up mandy