Saturday, December 31, 2011

Year of the unexpected

2012 is coming in less than 24 hours and here I am typing my last post for 2011.
This year had surely been filled with so much unexpected incident.
I mean like the unexpected that are unexpected. you get that?
Maybe it was just me being shocked, I'm just starting to see the real world.
I was starting to count how many real big incident happened but I guess I shouldn't. 
Who know what feeling I might get into later right.
I don't know if I'm glad this year has ended or if I still want to live in 2011.
But time surely won't be waiting for me to decide.
So now I'm going to sleep for the last time in 2011. LOL what did typed?


By the way, a cousin linked this video to me...and I must say that it is very touching.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

The time we've been waiting for

The mass we've been longing for is tonight
The birth we've been waiting for is tomorrow

Wish all of you a Happy Christmas 
Happy Birthday Jesus

Friday, December 16, 2011

No internet---

I made a decision
I'll be staying out of the internet for a few days
So if there's anything you need to deal with me just ring me
But my credit has expired and I don't think I'll be reloading it soon
When I come back I shall blog about something that inspire me to do this
And something that I've been thinking a lot lately
TeeHee! (Ryan's style)

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

So I tried this fb tag game

R: Sorry Periwinkle. It's Fb. I didn't expect that at all. Truly sorry!
C: Lol 
A: Eh?
H: Hmm lemme think
I: Indeed. haha!
M: Errr
B:  Errrrrrrrrrrr
N: Hoh!
K: I would consider it now. 

and I was like  WHAT?

Not the kind of result I would post in Fb so I screen captured it and rather have it posted here.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Thursday, December 1, 2011

I guess I'll never get over you

I think I smiled today
Said to myself that I'm not  in love anymore and I'm carefree
But now I have to think it over

Well're a part of my past
It's like I wrote your name in every pages of my diary
Then I stop 
But I won't dare to tear the previous pages

Monday, November 28, 2011

just an update ;)

I'm home for seven days now...and I really love being at home!
Well, I must confess that I really miss my friends though. It's a good thing because I'm coming back next year. That should be a motivation for me to come back right? :p
What am I up to?
First, I'm going to get my license. Aha, yeah, I must get it this holiday. I was suppose to have it in June but the registration day of Ipg was two days before the JPJ test. Now I'm driving illegally on my own in my neighborhood to get use to driving again.. Just now I phoned my tutor and he said I won't be able to take the test this week. Good, I'm haven't gain enough confident yet. Hopefully the lesson won't begin too early tomorrow so that I practice by myself first. I need to recall back some driving tricks. Seriously, it was no fun when the car suddenly stop at the junction and your mother pull the emergency light.
Well, practice make perfect right?
Second, oh haven't make it clear yet. I have lots of plan and I'm thinking which one should go first. Haha, I think I should be reading King Lear first. An interesting story to learn with beautiful classic words. Though I actually feel dizzy after every dialogue.
Dear cousins, please come here already!
No, I'm not bored I just miss you so much! Come and we'll go around this small town and share some jokes.   Or maybe just movie time with lots of junk foods.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

The end of first semester

It is only one semester and we have already gone through a lot of things together.
Tears and laugh, love and hates
I really appreciate the moments we had together. 
When we meet again next year, I hope that our friendship will get stronger.
Till we meet again next year!

I never thought that last night finally came. We were saying goodbye to him. 
The car slowly moved and he was there waving goodbye to us. 
We don't know when will we meet again.
But I'm sure that somewhere along our path we will meet each other again.
Adieu my friend, till we meet again and good luck for your Sukma next year! 

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Delicious forbidden

When it feels so good yet it's far from right
This heart start questioning why why and why
Why do I fall when I already did
Why do my tears fall for this
Why I can't let go of it
Yet I like the feeling that was born

andcancontrolyourself :)

Thursday, November 17, 2011

#100 post and I'm dedicating it to you

Now I understand why people hug
It feels warm

Heyy, I really love our friendship. When you said that you're going to move, I really wished that you were joking.   But I believe it anyway.  I started to hope that your application will be rejected. Then I started to think how selfish I was. You are our dearest friend! I wish all the best for you and may success accompany you along your path.
Though things will change
Nothing will change the Fact that you were once our classmate and the fact that
 our friendship is awesome!
Your place in my heart can't be replaced.
Keep being yourself, friend! I expect another 'Hi' between us. So I wish that time will bring us together sometimes. 
Adieu for now, till we meet again!

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Saturday, November 12, 2011


Updating my blog just because of the unique date . hhe
Well, what should I say about my life today?
It wasn't happening but it wasn't boring too.

So I said to myself, he is not manly enough
Well, who am I to say that?
He's not even close to me
Eh, what am I thinking?
Pfft...I'm sorry
Trying to get over someone by talking bad about them is too childish
ngeh, but what I just stated was not random
I did think carefully but not careful enough
I can see that the elowhveeie is blossoming between them
Never mind, though she knew that I had that kind of feeling to him before : p

Well, things can change later
They might be lover or not and it shouldn't be my business

Eh, after all I'm not eighteen yet
O.o....this is what happen when I blog without knowing the exact thing to write

...Just had conversation and I really like this word
~If I try I can fall into him but I don't want to.
hmmm....yeah. To think back it did happen to me years ago.
But then something in my mind told me that it was just a big crush
So I guess the one I'm having now is the same

I'm going to be here for five years and things will change
That boy might be more muscular #assaidbyinamorata
Him might be manlier
The *coughcough*might be more sociable
and...oh, I'm mentioning all of them...better stop.

The end of 11.11.11 entry

probably nothing

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Somehow I still wonder

Why are there these kind of people?
Can't you just mind your own business?
Tired of acting like I don't care
Hey, no one forbid you from thinking of it
As long as you keep it to yourself
But please, you need to know when to say or not to say it

Sunday, November 6, 2011


Girls were gorgeous. Boys were handsome.
It was the first time for me to dress up like that. In fact, it was the first time for almost all of us. The night was fun, but maybe  it was not my environment.
I really wish I was hyper because I think I didn't get involved like I planned to. Or maybe I was just too shocked? Geez, I really wish that I've talked more with him. What to do? I don't even have a topic to be shared. He had the chance to dance with her. Ok, I felt something but I'm sure it was not jealousy.
Boy, I didn't like it. If it was not my make up, maybe I've cried all I want.
I was a little disappointed because not everyone were able to make it, maybe next time we should make it a must for everyone to come. Actually I was hoping that I will be called during the Truth and Dare game but never mind, I still had fun watching them revealing the truths and doing the dares.
After all, I still had a lot of fun! I really like the 'getting ready' part and I hope next year we can work together to make our night better than this one.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Read this

I'm not gonna be young forever
So I'm going to have fun as long as I can

Saturday, October 29, 2011


Why do you have to come in the middle of the night?
When I'm most tired to grab a pen and jot them down
Ended up sleeping thinking of it
Then next day afternoon remember about it
and realize the idea is gone.

Well, to calm myself
writing a sequel for the story I wrote during form 4
haven't even finish A.Di.Bu
It's been 4 years now...

Thursday, October 27, 2011

In a mood of writing :)

So yeah
Tadaima! I'm home peeps!
Including today, I have 4 more days of holiday then I'll be going back to Tawau.
At the moment I'm trying to do all that I most likely won't be able to do at Tawau like, cooking, waking up late(not too late tho), taking a one hour bath(just hyperbole... hee), and...lots more
This morning I followed my mom to send my aunts and grandma back to the village. Supposed to be yesterday but the weather weren't so good. We left after sending my sister to kindergarten, it was around 8 a.m and arrive at 9.18 a.m..I slept all the way...muahaha! On our way home home I couldn't sleep at all, maybe because I already slept. hehe. But I'm pretty sure it was because of the nescafe I drank while I was there. I know I shouldn't drink it but was testing if my body can accept it. Still not, huh. I got dizzy all the way home and I think I nearly puke. hoho.
The only thing that keep me excited about going back to Tawau is our Tesl night, and oh, my friends too! I've been with them for four months I think we developed our friendship well. Hope it will stay like that. Can't to have girl time at 207 with the six of us monopoly. hahaha!
About the Tesl night, hopefully the night will be one of our best memory! and of course, one of the best thing when it's come to something like this is looking for dresses and accessories. Gosh! right now I have little problem with the dress and I hope it won't get bigger! fingerscross!
Anyway, I just hope that good things will happen and whatever happen after this, I hope I'll be able to face it.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

I think I'm letting it all here...not really eh?

On rainy days like this, what is better than reminiscing the past?

And I've been deleting all that I have typed....

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Bring me with you

As I took the seat
Your shadow took the place next to me
and I can see you laughing all you want
and my tears fall.
You weren't by my side
will never be by my side again
I can only see you smile
from the pictures you left.
I can only hear your voice
from the videos recorded.
We'll no more 'together'
I can only reminisce the time we spent together.
I'll be sleeping in these clothes you sew for me.
I'll take care of them
Because you won't be able to sew new ones.
No more watching you using your sewing machine.
No more running from the teachers
who would ask if you're sewing were still available.
And the love that you knew I have for you
I'll never be able to say face to face to you.

You're sleeping, right there beside your brother
Uncle, take care of her
She was always sick
and that's why she had to sleep.
She'll never wakes up again, I know
And I used to wish that she will take me along
would you let me?

I love you

Saturday, October 8, 2011

your voice ;)

Love your voice so much
Keep replaying the record
Could it be that your voice is the voice I was looking for?
XD I just simply like your voice

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

5 years ago....

It was almost 12 p.m. I was walking with Angel, heading towards the school. We were two form 1 students who were eager to go to school everyday. Maybe because homework weren't given too much yet. The lessons were not complicated yet. But for me, there were one more reason.

Me: Help me today, Angel.
Angel: Okay, help you with what?

I grinned shyly a little. Then told her my plan. She will have to go to my classmate, and tell him that I like him. She must do it without telling me when she is going to tell him, to make it look natural. She will tell him that I know nothing about she telling him my feeling.
I thought that I must tell him, so that I won't regret it later. Though I did not sure how will it be, when he finally knows. Will I say yes if he want a relationship? Will we stay quiet about it and be good friends, just like our recent relationship? What if daddy finds out about it? Or what if mommy finds out about it? She teach our class! seriously I didn't know what gave me courage to proceed with the plan.

In the class, I went through the day like usual. Angel too. I didn't know why but when I think again about my plan I felt some discomfort in my heart. I look at Angel who was with another classmate, and I suddenly hope that she forgot about the plan. It was too late to suddenly pull her out of the class and cancel the plan. Thinking back about it now, I can actually do so but I was so dumb. Maybe if I did so, I won't have to face the consequences.

Almost 6 p.m and we walked home from school. I used the courage that I began to accumulate since the last bell to ask her.

Me: Angel, you didn't tell him. Right?
Angel: I did.

At that time my heart weakened. She did. She really did told him. Oh my God, I'm so stupid! Why didn't I think properly? What will happen next? How am I going to face him tomorrow? and the day after tomorrow, and the day after the day after tomorrow? It was so...

As I said bye to her that evening, my heart starting to get weaker. To go home knowing that I know I did something that I shouldn't. Maybe it's normal to others. But it's kinda not okay with me. I made a vow to myself, to never be in relationship before SPM. Plus, he is not someone I should be with.

That night I sleep thinking about every possibility that might happen the next day. Or maybe later on. How are we going to face each other.

I don't really remember the next day, but what I know is everything went through as usual. Except for the last day of school, before the mid-term holiday.

There were no teacher entering the class, and everyone was super excited for holiday. He gave something. It was a manila card, cut and glued to make a cylinder shape. I know that there must be something in it. Written there, open only when it's 6 p.m. And one more things written, 'It's bomb'. I laughed and make the dumb face. Something is going to happen, I knew. But I sill feel the excitement to open what he gave me.

As soon as I reached home, I put all my belongings in my room. Then I headed to the side of my home. It wasn't 6 p.m yet so I decided to enjoy the sunset. Thought that it was so beautiful. I like the colour of the sky when it is sunset. When it was finally 6 p.m, I open the gift ( should I call it so? oh well...) I open the cylindrical shaped manila card.

I found a kind of digital watch, grey, with smiley face. A  letter was in it too. My heart started to beat faster when I'm reading the letter.
I don't have the letter anymore but in that letter, he asked me. Do you really like me? Angel told me that you like me. That was the only clear question that I remember. Because you what? After I read the letter, I became too happy, and then too afraid. That threw away the letter. Afraid that daddy might finds about it. That night, I tried so hard to forget about it. But the next day I still think about it.

When holidays over, I went to school again. (Of course, I can't escape right?) But when I enter the class, I didn't greet him. We never talked to each other again. I mean like we used to be. The matter were kept quiet until now.


Thinking about it now, I was just a girl who knew nothing about love. Sometime I laugh, sometime I cry, sometime I confused when I rethink about it. What was my feeling? I myself can't be sure. 


What I know now is, he was the first one.  I like it when he's laughing, I like it when he's serious, I like it when he's shy. He wasn't the intelligent one. His handwriting was worse than mine. He was not the type guy a girl wants, but he was the first one. 

I learn the do's and don'ts in love in terrible ways. 


That was 5 years ago...

Now I should learn how to love...and maybe find a new one

Sunday, October 2, 2011

So far...

 the hardest thing to do here is 
accepting the fact that I'm being jealous

Saturday, September 24, 2011

It's completely out of my business, but you hurt her

Like the title said, it's completely out of my business. It is between you and her. All this time she had always been the one who got all the attentions. Every eyes will look at her whenever we walk. No matter how bad she looked all the talking (I mean the liking) will be about her. She could choose be with the other but she chose you. And you are so damn stupid . You asked her to date you but you still go  out with your ex. Say that you and her are just friend, that is not how friends communicate. It's different.
You want to cuddle her please do it at other place. It's too public and you know she was there. They were in the same room, you went in, stop for a while and walk towards her. She was only a few tables far than you, you sat there, pretended like she wasn't there. It hurt inside of  her, to hear you laughing with her while you and her have the in relationship status (i'm not talking about facebook). I admit that I don't know if you and her still have that relationship but it still going to hurt her.
Boy, please( I'm addressing you as boy because you are not qualified to be called man yet)
Before you decide to love, please ask your heart if you really love.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Monday, September 19, 2011

It is sad to let you go, but we will support you

It is sad to let you go
For you have been one of us
Though technology makes communication easier
Nothing compare to the feeling when you are right in front of me
Though technically you are older
For me you are a younger brother
And I cannot think of any special words right now
But my brain is still struggling to find right words for you
This might be my worst writing ever
As worse as the feeling I am feeling inside
I've been trying to accept the fact
Since I know about the possibility
But it is harder than I thought
I'll try
I'll try to let you go sincerely
For I know that you will never forget us
Our friendship will stay in our heart forever
You must remember that you were once our with us

But most importantly
I support you whatever your choice is
I always believe that I know myself better
And I'm sure that you know yourself better too

It is sad to let you go
But remember that you can always count on us!

Monday, September 12, 2011

Stuff I really need to say right now

Dear you,
you have nice voice
sing, don't yell
Dear you,
why are becoming more like her
I'm afraid that I might dislike you later
and it will be hard for me to like you back
Dear you,
sometimes I feel jealous of you and her
you don't really get along with each other
but your relationship is still a million times better
Dear you,
I don't know why
maybe we just can't get along
I tried to like you back
but I just can't
I guess we just keep things the way it is now
Dear you,
You were the first guy that attracted me
I didn't happen overnight
I love those conversations we had
we sat on the stairs in the dark
talking about our interest
as you came in and called her name instead of mine just now
I'm hurt and I know it is not right
I already had a feeling that we'll be kinda 'separated' when I let you change your seat
and it really happen
how I wish that you can be you
You that I use to know before
Dear you,
you are the first the first guy
Who I really thought as a brother
and I really like your childishness
that's what make you adorable
to know that you are going to leave
hurt me so much
and I did actually hope that your application was rejected

I want to scream
I need to scream
where can I scream
in a place like this

Friday, September 9, 2011

I see

It's like this
You are the special candy
Suppose to choose who is going to own you
Instead of letting the shopkeeper to give you to them
The shopkeeper is your heart
And he let them come too close to you
They touched you
And bring you all over the shop
You just go on with their flow
And once they satisfied
They returned you back to the shopkeeper
When I come and look at you
You are no longer the same as you were before
Your shape changed
Your colour faded
Your taste changed
Not the one I once wanted
Not the one I once admire
Not the one I once loved

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

You left too soon

I always know that this time will come
But I never thought that it will be now

Monday, August 22, 2011


Out of the poetic mode today >.^

So, what's up? I've been away from home for two months and will be back this Friday. Yeah, Keningau I'm coming. Kinda tired of living here without family but I still have five years here. Tawau is best ba, got it's own attraction, but i haven't figured it out yet. But what I'm sure is I can say that I love Tawau. But Keningau is still in my heart.
Let see, what are the must do in Keningau?
(I do not sequence these based on my priority)
1. go to pasar malam.
2. go to beloved hiap
3. go to keningau mall n have my favourite bubble tea
4. Play with the kancil...huu..wonder if can still drive it
5. go to church...where my heart is the calmest
6. of course home...miss my bed and cabinet already...
7.go to cosway...haha...gonna borong  a few things there
what else...a lot actually but it will took me maybe forever...hahaha

Oh yeah, and HARI RAYA is round the corner!
mean that I'm going Ranau! yeah
can't wait for the 3 hours journey with daddy as the driver.
and a whole night without sleep with my cousins ...chit chatting about current things happening and rockin' the night with fireworks..if we have them this year..miahaha
one thing that I'm sure...a ton of pictures just like always...
lemang, ketupat, rendang...oh my...tapun tapun

so yeah
selamat hari raya everyone and for my classmate who going back too
have a safe journey okey...ciao!

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Invisible...even to me

What am I feeling?
I myself don't even know
Yes the heart is inside of me
But still it is very hideous
For every feeling they are making
No sign they will give me
And when the feeling is finally out
I'll have no idea what feeling it is
I try I try I try
But feel like it keep worsening
And it's not you
It's not your fault
It just me
Just me who can't accept you
I'm okay, though you might not care
But sometimes the way you throw your words are cruel
You do not think it is
And I do not want to think so
But my mind often beaten by my heart
I can always deal with it
But when it is everyday
I can stray from my way
For I got my own reasons
When I say something
When I say I cannot
When I have to cancel a plan
What I did
Are not always what I wanted to do
What I'll do
Are the things that I'll need to deal with
Take it or leave it
And in this kind of life
I know I cannot walk alone
I know that have you, you, you, you,you
I am sorry
If I am not the kind of friend you want
Or the kind of friend that you expect me to be
I'll keep trying to get along with you guys
In fact
I feel secure the most when I am with you guys
I am my true self when I am with you
the first one who I being open to
The one I know even before coming here
Till now I'm still grateful you are here with me
The one I know the longest
I never thought we'll be together here with them
And to be able to know you more
Always made my days
When I heard your name for the first time
I know that it was you she talked about
I never thought that you'll be someone I'm close to
And I always adore you
Always make me laugh somehow
When you are so determined
And when you try to tease playfully with us
And it didn't happen as you wanted it to be
It became funnier
Do you know that?

But still
No one can avoid the feeling of weariness
The feeling of unwanted
The feeling of leaving
And mine are now mixed
Maybe it will take times
To separate them
And examine them one by one
To see why do they exist
Should I just throw them all
And start a new beginning?

I shall take out the unneeded
And take only the precious one
And I'll live this life
No matter how hard the obstacles are
And I believe that the invisible
Will be visible one day
I'll keep hoping for the day
When I live live life the way I should
With you
and especially
you, you, you, you, and you

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Maybe I shouldn't make a conclusion

Heart heart O heart
Why do you have to be so hideous
You are in me yet I'm blur about my own feeling
One second you said that it is love
One second you said that it is not
One second you said that it is maybe a little crush
Then another second you said that it is nothing
You said that I hate him
But then you made me feel heavenly when I saw him
Or sitting next to me
Even when he passed by without any greeting to me
Dizziness starting to fly into the air
And I don't know if I can overcome this
For I know that your game is going to be tougher
Than the one you gave me during schooldays
And sometimes
You made me jealous for someone that I don't even have a  crush on
It burdens me
For I know that it is not right
I am tired of the feelings you gave me
They had ended up mixed together
It hurts to see them
Like seeing mixed yarns leftover
No no no
I can't say anything for now
And I will take the 'for now'
Until you want to give me the real feeling
Until I can see clearly
What is inside of you
But please help me
Help me to get through this
Please stop the questions
If my life is messy
I don't want this to be the reason

Monday, August 8, 2011

It changed into hatred, but somehow I can still feel love

Yesterday morning
It was Sunday
In the church
I saw you when I turn back 
You weren't looking
And I said to myself
Oh, It's him 
The Eucharist ends for the day
And I made my bow for Him
I walked with my friends towards you and the other
And at that time
I saw you make your way
And you wore your white shirt
There's a string in my heart 
Starting to make a sound
I tried so hard to hide the sound
I did it
But maybe my face didn't
You were the only one I'm thinking about at that time
Suddenly felt sorry for how I treated your friend yesterday
Really sorry for didn't pay attention at what he was saying
Though it was a simple "hi"
 Yet till now I still think of you more 

When you walked into the class just now
Once again the string sings
A melody that might 
Woken up the feeling that I buried

It changed into hatred, but somehow I can feel love
Maybe it just a game of the heart
That I have to accept
For I can't seem to control my own heart anymore
Yet I will try
And I believe that I can

Dear you
Please be you
You that I know earlier

Monday, August 1, 2011

Dear Friends

Known you for only two month plus
But it feels like we've known each other for years
A lot of similarities
A lot of differences
Yet we are still together
You are there when we laugh like there's no tomorrow
You are there when I'm longing for my family
You are there when I need to cry myself out
You are there when I'm feeling scary
And you always concerns about me
And you never says no when I need help
I made mistakes and you helped me to correct them
You tells me every single things I have no idea about
Your smiles always made my days
I think of you more than as a friend
You do annoys me
You makes me want to hug you as if you're a giant teddy bear
Looking at you reminds of my family
Looking at you makes me think 'have we met before?'

But the most important things...
You treats me the way you want
You accepts me the way I am
You made me feel at home
And you made me smile
A true smile

Sorry for any discomforts I may had caused
And I hope that we'll be friends forever

Happy Friendship Day !

For All of my TESLian Buddies!

Sunday, July 31, 2011

It's not my fault

Sorry because I have to say I don't know
Sorry because I have to say I never heard of it
Sorry because I have to say I never tried it
Sorry because I have to say go on, I'll just watch
For I got used to it since my childhood
For that were the words I often say since my younger age
For I'm not not the kind of girl who were accepted within her friends
That made a girl in my own world
I have my own imagination before I go to sleep
Sometimes imagined that next day they'll come and ask me to play
Then I'll sleep with a smile
But the next day
They do not even realize that I was there
And I keep on living in my imagination
When I say I don't know
You say that I'm a city girl
Tell you what
The place I lived wasn't even a city
It's a small town
How easy for you to throw that words at me
It hurt can't you see it from my face?
Oh I forgot...
I've got too used at that kinda words
My face give no expressions anymore
My tears are now stubborn
My eyes tired of crying
It's not my fault
And I won't say it's yours or hers or them
It's not my fault!

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

He is ours

It was dark outside
She was still talking to her friend
A long time no see friend
I was there pretending wasn't listening
Then they started talking about the family
suddenly they talked about something
At that time
I wish that I really didn't hear anything
I try a poker face
Seems like it worked
She didn't ask me anything
Maybe she thought that I understand
Yes, I understand
My feeling was indescribable
His faces since he was a toddler until he is a big boy
Filled my heart
How I really like to see him every holiday
How I like to hear about him from his sister
Always tickle our heart 
Whenever he is smiling
I tried 
I tried to forget what I heard
But I'll never forget this one
Yet, there's something that I'm sure
He is ours
I remember him since the first time my brain was able to keep memories
He, with him red lips
Running to the car
Chasing for his mummy
I was laughing
He was so cute
And now he is so handsome
He is ours 
We are the ones who loved him since he was little
We've been with him when he was growing up
We'll always be with him
He is ours
No one can ever take him from us
He is ours

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

To you...I'm sorry

Your eyes were red
Your voice were shaking
Your body was inconsistent
And they stand and throw words at you
Some relevant
Some do not
I was there just looking
Afraid of saying something
Remembering the days you were talking about

That what I wanted to say
But my mouth was locked
And my hands were weak
I saw that you were angry
Yet I didn't do anything
I isolated myself from everything
For I also reached my limit
For didn't do anything on it

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

I'm just boring

please excuse me for the language

Today is kinda a boring or simply another day. Harap2 lepas first meeting untuk koir karang terus ada pelangi! yay! oops, bukan bermaksud saya mengharapkan hujan ya  >.<! I just hope that my day will be enlighten by that choir thingy! Yesh, nasib ada koir d sini, first time lagi ni ada, ngehehehe! Saya tau banyak ni latihan nanti, kalau kena suruh diet untuk jaga suara, matai.....babai kepada minuman yang ada ping di belakangnya. Tapi ok juga ba tu kan, kalau sanggup segalanya boleh dibuat. Setakat yang termampulah kan....

Just a few minutes ago, Miss Caroline just said, 'When you have your allowance you girls have to invest some money in make-up'....and I was like :p.....I expected that.  Ok, Ok, I will try try try try....BIG SMILE :)
Ya laa, jadi cikgu mesti kena kena nampak attractive...kan? Miss Caroline just said that  :p

This evening, planning to bersukan! Tapi mungkin saya hanya akan stay di siring gelanggang netball dan berlompat - lompat menggunakan tali untuk berskipping. Tingulah kalau saya rajin p belajar main. Macam malas pula, mau ikut archery juga, tak sabar nak tengok demo sabtu ni... jangan la ba terlampau banyak ikut aktiviti ba kan. Sukan lain boleh pelan pelan belajar ba kan, nanti nda siap pula task and assignment yang datang bagaikan hujan kucing dan anjing. <--sorry for the direct translate :p

Apa lagi mau ditaip ni, erm....ok.....

P/s to Sayrah
Tengoklah kalau ada yang ngam, confirm 40? besar juga!
haha, bukan kasut pun boleh ba kan....pandailah saya cari tu

Ok lah, cukup sdh berblog untuk hari ni. teda2 juga yang tulis. Buruk btul bahasa saya kali ini, siou no kopio. BIGSMILE!  :) 

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

It was Teary

Chatting with the first one
And this time it was ok
No awkwardness
Just like six years ago
It was a sigh of relief
We finally broke the ices
That suddenly built up between us
And that seems too high and thick to be broken
But we made it...finally
And to be honest with him
Was something that I wanted for a long time
It was teary
To remember all conversations we had
To remember how the other classmates look at us
To remember how the ices formed
To remember the vanished letter
To remember how I smile with him in my mind, trying to sleep
To remember how sometimes I get exited to go to school because of him
To remember how I used to look at the basketball court every time we passed school, trying to look for him in his red t shirt
How I wish I can go back in time to fix the things that happened between us
Thanks God
For come cleaning us this very early in the morning

Thursday, July 14, 2011

I haven't declare it as love yet

Yes, I am being too careful
After the breaks up I've seen
After the experiences I experienced
After the nights of tears that I've gone through
As I sing myself to sleep at night
I can't help myself but to remember them
The guys I thought I've fallen in love with
I just realized that it was not that kind of love
I realized that it was just a crush
A big crush
And admire
But they're still in my heart
I shall never forget who I have fallen in love with
The first one
Though we never been together, I believe that our heart did
And the crushes
They made my life sweeter
Even though they may have no idea about it
Maybe this is my strength
I've hold my words that I made that evening
It was raining and I promised myself
To never be in relationship before I finish school
Yes, I finished school on 13th December 2011
The day I finished my last SPM paper
I was teary
I've got too used to school life
The homework
The scolding
The friends
The place I've experienced my first love
I know that I am going through the same process
But this time I have experiences
Maybe they're still not enough
But I know this time I have friends who are willing to give their advises
And support me in whatever I do
Maybe this time
It's just another crush too
So I'll just wait see

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

RE:RE:RE:RE: THE UNSPOKEN ~ 1. This Feeling that I'm loving, Yet the after that I'm scared of

Done your homework, eh? Ha, I know you're gonna say like that! And I agree about the A.C.C.U.T.E part! I'm always annoyed by that. So geli to see, kan! huahaha, as long as they don't do the duck face.

Well, is he the one I'm crushing on? No, not him. But he I do like him playing the guitar!He played more than words, omg! Very fascinating! hee hee
He's more like a brother to me...cheh, I mean more like a younger brother.
One of the things here that I really like is, we are all interested in music!

what we use to get to St. Paul

We went to St. Paul in Balung recently. Whoa I really like the route! We pass through the oil palm factory and palm orchad! And the road was grabel...hahahaha. I really like that! ngahehehehe, I think there're only two persons who like the palm smell. hehehe...EPIC <---my friend said that.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

She didn't want the ride to end

He was sitting there with her by his side
And smile when his friends start to ask about them
It didn't look like serious but when it comes to heart matter
The explanation will be so hard
Maybe he know
Maybe he don't
But how will she know
She is afraid to let the question out
Maybe she should just forget about it
Let everything happen naturally
Let the jealousy be an accessory of her heart
It might be good to have it
Because it shows that you love
But when he doesn't even know
It becomes ridiculous

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Re:Re:This feeling that I'm loving, Yet the after that I'm scared of

Found is fb? Do your comparison then. Huahaha!
I'll let it happen naturally...Whose that guy's name?  The nature guy? Still stuck like glue eh? How come o! Wait, you mean the guy whose name start from the 18th letter of the basic modern Latin alphabet? 
I won't watch that mv, youtube forbidden here =.=...and because I can expect how's the video look like. eww! 

Dunno what else to say, since I don't think I want to write all of the details here...So tunggulah hari raya kio! Huahahaha! 
But I gotta tell you something, we are very one Malaysia here! And sometime I feel like we're here to learn how to teach bahasa, (so baku ba our language!) And one of most fun part here is, when it comes to literature everyone's exited about it! Go and read 'what lips my lips have kissed' by Edna St. Vincent Millay. You'll like or you'll dislike it. 

Thursday, July 7, 2011

No title

In class and in the mood of writing blog

No lecturer...again
Means = replacements

p/s to Sayrah!
 Got cutie-pie? I know who you're talking about! >.<
Later we story story on that K. Do check out his pictures in fb and compare them to Randall.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

This feeling that I'm loving, Yet the after that I'm scared of

Sometimes I hate my myself for falling in love easily
Though now I don't call it love yet
It may be develop into it
Maybe this is just a crush
But even a crush can last for a very long time
Maybe it will never fade
As I still can't forget the boys I've crushed on seriously
As long as I can remember
I've only fallen in love once
I did manage to faden my feeling towards him
But like people always say
First love is unforgettable
Always scared about the after
Regrets, Tears, Shyness and maybe Hatred
Lucky for me to didn't have the hatred
But it was painful to remember
As it comes before I sleep
Sometimes in my dreams
Sometimes when the teacher is teaching
Sometimes when I'm watching a movie
Sometimes when I'm chatting with my girlfriends
Sometimes when I'm chatting with my guyfriends
I did imagined them as the one I fell in love with
And I know it's not fair
But I didn't even realized that my heart did that
Till now I still question myself what are my feelings for what had happened
Most of my friends are happy with their special someone
I'm not wanting to be like them
But as a girl of course I want to be loved
I'm a girl who always remember what her daddy said
Maybe I'm too naive to make my own conclusion
A conclusion that say it's better for me to care for my own self
My daddy did say that I will found someone that I'll love
And that made my heart weaken
Not that I don't want to fall in love or what
It is how I'm going to be open with him about this matter
Sometimes I asked myself
Why do I have a lot of thinking to just fall in love
I answered myself sometimes
I don't want to fall in love for fun
I want to stay with the one I love forever
Now I'm going into this feeling again
The feeling I thought I'll never be able to experience again
I love this feeling
Yet I'm scared of the after
The three biggest break ups that I've seen
I don't think that I can go through it
But how do I know
I'm such a loser in relationship thingy
Pissed me off sometimes
But I learned to accept this fact
Maybe now I should learn how to overcome it
Just hope that this time I can go through it better


Class cancelled from some reasons. So there'll be a lot of class replacement later....bla bla bla
too much activities. Well.....
Blogging during class, quite dangerous but I take risk. Eh?

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Hello new life!

Yep, I'm currently at IPG Kampus Tawau!

Wow, it feels like dream. Still feel like dream.
A dream that I don't know how to stop
A dream that I don't know what my feelings for it yet.
So far I know there are exited, happy, for some reasons sad

ceh, berpoem pula! hee~

MPPB was very fun, it was tiring, but also very fun.
I miss MPPB! The day it over, I was like, It's over?
Oh my, how fast time flies.
I was in Group 4! There were 10 of us. 8 girls and 2 boys.
What? You don't believe it? It's real honey.
There are 50 of us, the new TESLian at IPG Kampus Tawau.
Only 10 of us are boys, ( or should I say men?) and 40 girls(or women?)

Group 4!
Azri@shnchan,Alex@penghulu, Mandy(me),Umi, Je wednesday,  lupa
Dini, Paya,Andrea, Beatrice
I was an amazing experience! I still can't forget the tepuk tepuk..hoho
and how Our group became the winer of the MPPB, I was like....we won? How?
Maybe it was the choral speaking and choir we presented. Aww I like that!
The kipas kipas and everything. How everything turns out well, (not perfect :p)
I hope that I'll be able to get the pictures from seniors! hehe

Monday, June 13, 2011

Taking a break

dengar? dengarka tidak? bunyi gelas pecah! heran? kan taking a "break"...hwuahahha! sah gila sudah lepas berdating dengan hospital dan borang-borang itu! 

whua! seperti title entry ini, I'm taking a break baby! Nanti saya break betul betul pula! fuu...
I am very very tired. 

Sunday, June 5, 2011

How easy life can be taken...

She asked me do I know him
I said no but I think I do
She search for his facebook and we saw his pictures
I was like "oh, him. I always see him at church"
Then she told me he had an accident
I thought that only an accident
In my mind, my imagination maybe
he's in the hospital being treated
but then I was post
may his soul rest peace
I ran to her and asked, he's death?
She looked at me and said yes
In my heart, I feel something different
I only know him as someone I used to pass by at church
but i....I don't what else should I say
I write here, because I can't seem to let it out by speaking or crying

May his soul rest in peace, May he got his place in heaven...
condolences to his family and friends...

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Break up

That day when I saw a comment of a picture in facebook, I know something was going to happen. A picture of girl, wearing a graduation gown standing next to her guy friend, wearing a look alike graduation gown. Even before that, I've sensed something from the posts and comments. I started to observe him, whenever I can, without him knowing I'm around. The guy who owned the heart of the girl in the picture. I cleared my mind, try to not thinking about them. It's none of my business! But I figured out that it won't be wrong to just think about it, the girl is also my cousin anyway. Though she's way older than me, we get along well.

I was in primary school when I first saw him, I hadn't had any thought of him yet. I was in my very own world. I know him better when I started secondary school. It was because, that was the time when he started to be around her all the time when they came to Keningau during holiday. I didn't remember what was my feeling. Was I jealous my cousin was not mind all the time anymore, or was I happy because she brought a new family member. Every Christmas, when my cousin and her sisters came, he''l be with them. When we were cooking for Christmas dinner, he'll be helping to fry the chicken wings. Everything, seems okay. I almost look up to him. And it actually took years for only the "almost". But I always remember what my friend have told me, he may look nice, act kindly, and do everything good, but you'll never know what he's truly are inside. She's right!

Then one day, I logged in to facebook. Saw this long post my cousin posted. The first thing I thought was, so it really happen? I read it. I think I saw his post to too but I just took a glance on it. I've read my cousin's so I don't need to know about more from the other side. What did I do? Nothing, I read it again then started to do what I needed to do in facebook. I talked nothing about. After a few days, or was it weeks?, my sister woke me up late at night, to read my cousin's message, with my sleepy face, I tell her that I've known it and went back to sleep. I took only few seconds to fall asleep, but in that very little moments, I still manage to say something to myself. So, they finally know it. Without me having to tell them about that post.

Life goes on. I never talked about it unless my sister said something. Time by time, my cousins opened up little by little. She told us what she was heart ache for. And we the other cousins, started to gain strength to tell her what actually we've been thinking about him. She seems to be agree with us. Even my cousins, who never really talked about him got mad when she told us what was the ex's comments about.... I was calm when we were talking but inside of me, there were a of thing I were thinking.

Early of this month, my cousin, the sister of my "cousin" I've talked about in the previous paragraph, broke up with her boyfriend. When I know that, I was thinking that maybe that was the the reason I've never been able to think of something to fix the song I've been writing for her. And even before that, I felt uneasy about them. I keep hoping that they're fine.

Recently in facebook, this girl start to post more than before about her feeling. There we're days when this guy updated his status so often. It was weird because he had lazy to update his status. Then I started to realize that their post post kind of relate to each other's. That was time time I realized that they have problem. He just confessed it an hour ago, before I started to write this blog. It was one of the reasons I decided to let these all out in this blog.

It's their problem right? But I can't help thinking about it! It keep me from doing one thing. It kept from thinking about being in relationship.  It keep make me feel like life is better without someone else. When I start to have crush on someone, all these things will attack my mind. I'll still be crushing, but I'll never do anything about it.

The word break up
is very strong to me.
Even if I'm not the one whose being in it, I'll still be affected by it.
I hope that I will be strong
When the day I finally decide to be in relationship
I hope that I'll be able to face anything....

Monday, May 23, 2011

Mandy's talk: Reality show

So this time I'll talk about reality shows.

I've seen people keep wanting to join AF. For me if you have talent, your voice is good, you have the package, why not? But one thing that always annoys me, if they fail to get in they'll be too upset as if they don't have reason to live anymore! I think it's still okay here but I've seen in other places where people expressed their disappointment in negative way. Hey, you think by throwing those rude words the judges will call you back in and declare you as a participant? No! You're warning other people that you're not someone to be friend with. (sorry, I think I'm so in this)

Furthermore, you don't need that to show your talent! Be creative! There's youtube, blog, facebook! And you need to figure out what your talent meant to be done with. Sometimes talent are made to be shared with the world and sometimes it meant to stay with you. I mean like, to share with your family and friends. 
Think about it.

I think that is all I can say for now. Feels good to finally let them out.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

I have a smile on my face! :)

I'm still happy with the result! Yes I got it!
Hohoho, I'm still exited!

So, I already start the preparation. I'll only leave next month but the preparation is a lot of work. Need to get MC and everything. Wow, I never thought I'll need that!

Nampaknya tidaklah saya join dua orang kazen saya di matrix. 
Kepada Nado and Clarence, goodluck ok! Wish you guys the best!
geez~ I always thought that you guys will be my bodyguard at Labuan. perasannyer!
sedih jugalah tidak sempat jalan-jalan sama kamurang, itu pula yang diingat.

So, yeah. I ada tugasan dari kazen I. wah! ber I I.
Going to make a song for her! And this is a second song.
Lagu yang pertama, okeylah for me. Saya memang tidak puas hati. Maybe it's deja vu. I tried to fix the song and I can't. They're not together anymore so that was it I thought. I can't seem to fix that song and maybe I will never fix it. 
Jadi sekarang second song, her idea, my way!
Lol, I like that!

next blog will be about mau juga!
rasanya tentang Akademi Fantasia dan rancangan realiti tv lain yang lebih kurang serupa.
tiba-tiba nih! kan? I just think that I have this idea and people should know about it! 
So wait for it!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Hmm, so where is my next destination?
Most of my friends already in form 6.
I'm still finger crossing for the upcoming result this Saturday. I really hope for it!
I'm not really exited to go to Labuan, lainlah kalau pg enjoy!
I think I can have heart attack anytime =.=

Well, when my friends go to form 6, I was a little jealous.
It's not about the things they're going study.
It's about being with them again. To be their classmate again. To feel how school life is again.
Anyway, God decide that I should take different path.
And I can always take sneak peek on what they're up to!

mari saya share satu video yang saya jumpa di satu blog.

saya tidak tau pun kumpulan Gula gula tu. Search la sendiri. Tapi video ini sangat menarik hati saya. Adalah benda yang boleh digunapakai kan?

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

busy with this and that

feels like I haven't blogging for ages!
Too busy and when I finally have times I'll be too tired. fuu....
Still waiting for reply from ....

Recently my cousins and we had a lot of fun!
Sampau saja Keningau trus plan mau jalan.
Go shopping with them! hehehe...

habis idea sudah saya...x tau lagi apa yang mau diblogkan. tunggu saya ada idea okey!

Monday, May 9, 2011

macam best..ikutlah

ABC About You Questions:

A - AVAILABLE : nope 
B - BIRTHDAY: 15 December 1993
C - CRUSHING ON : that guy?
D - DRINK YOU LAST HAD : sky juice
E - EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO : myself? hee~ my sis though I don't tell her everything
F - FAVORITE SONG :  emm, a lot..
H - HOMETOWN: Keningau
I - IN LOVE WITH: don't we have to love everyone?
K - KILLED SOMEONE: every time I write a that count?
M- MILKSHAKE FLAVOR : must be chocolate or strawberry
O - ONE WISH : I will live a good life
R- REASON TO SMILE : if my heart is not happy, at least my face are
S - SONG YOU LAST HEARD : Faizal Tahir's song... played on tv 
T - TIME YOU WOKE UP : 7.00 am
V - VEGETABLE(S) : cabbage, chinese cabbage, cauliflower and....more..
W - WORST HABIT : so far it is about taking care of my hp...
X - X-RAYS YOU HAD : my right arm twice...ketaralah nakal
Y – YO-YOS ARE : yo yo yo! the toy?
Z - ZODIAC SIGN : Sagittarius


Spell your name without vowels :  Mndy Clr...huiyo!
What color do you wear most : purple I guess
What are you listening to? :  the tv...hehe
Are you happy with your life right now? : why question happy or not? I have a life and I'm living it
What is your favorite class in school? : English!
Are you outgoing? : Not really but if my cousins around then yes!
Favorite pair of shoes? : sandals and wedges. selipar tetap pujaan! ehehehe
Where do you wish you were right now? : I am where I want to be, home my family


Can you dance? : eh, when no one watching? very bad..!
Can you tie a cherry stem with your mouth? : hahahaha...nope
Can you whistle? : emm, practiced a lot but still..
Write with both hands? : used to but now No
Walk with your toes curled? : that sounds hurt...


Do you believe there is life on other planets?:  It's not impossible for me
Do you believe in miracles? : No, everything happen for reason, even if it is unexplainable 
Do you believe in magic? : refer to the answer above
Love at first sight? :  yeah, though it hardly happen to me.
Do you think there's a Satan? : Yeah..
Do you believe in Santa? :  used to
Do you know how to swim? :I know, I just can't do it
Do you think you could handle the stuff they eat on those reality shows? :! 


Have you ever been on a plane? :  nope
Have you ever asked someone out? : I'm not
Have you ever been asked out by someone? : again, I'm not sure. No?
Have you ever been to the ocean? :  yes! good place to makeup your mind :) especially at night!
Have you ever painted your nails?: of course! who never?


What is the temperature outside? :  probably cold 
What radio station do you listen to? :  radio bayu, hilang control terhadap remote. i truly miss u!
What was the last restaurant you ate at? : dunno, x sedap juga...
What was the last thing you bought? : reload...haha
Who was the last person you took a picture of ? : mommy and sisters


Ever really cried your heart out?:  yeah...
Ever cried yourself to sleep?:  yeah...something that always likely to happen 
Ever cried on your friend's shoulder?:  no, lol...I'm not open enough maybe? hehe
Ever cried over the opposite sex?: .....yes
Do you cry when you get an injury?: rarely happen :)
Do certain songs make you cry? : yeah, sometimes for reasons, sometimes I just feel like it


Are you a happy person?: I think I am
What can make you happy?: people I love happy :)
Do you wish you were happier?:  huh...yeah
Can music make you happy?: yes!


How many times have you had your heart broken?:  I believe only once, and I broke my own heart...get it?


What is your current hair color? : black, typical Asians hair colour 
Current piercings?:ears
Have any tattoos?: no, but sometimes I like to make a fake one...hehe
Eye color? : brownish black...that's how it looks like :/"


Favorite eye color: it really doesn't matter
Short or long hair : short
Height : tall
Best clothing : anything that suits him


Been to jail: no.
Mooned someone : no
Thrown up in a store: no ...haha
Done something really stupid that you still laugh at today :  yeah a lot! hehehe
Gone skinny dipping : no! who would?


Pepsi or Coke : whiever available
McDonald's or Burger King: neither
Single or Group Dates : idk? single la kali?
Chocolate or Vanilla: after thinking hard...both lah !
Strawberries or Blueberries : Strawberries!
Meat or Veggies : both, barulah balance!
TV or Movie : both? aren't them inseparable?
Guitar or Drums?: guitar :)
Adidas or Nike : not really into both but they're okay
Chinese or Mexican : chinese! yumm!
Cheerios or Corn Flakes : cornflakes