That day when I saw a comment of a picture in facebook, I know something was going to happen. A picture of girl, wearing a graduation gown standing next to her guy friend, wearing a look alike graduation gown. Even before that, I've sensed something from the posts and comments. I started to observe him, whenever I can, without him knowing I'm around. The guy who owned the heart of the girl in the picture. I cleared my mind, try to not thinking about them. It's none of my business! But I figured out that it won't be wrong to just think about it, the girl is also my cousin anyway. Though she's way older than me, we get along well.
I was in primary school when I first saw him, I hadn't had any thought of him yet. I was in my very own world. I know him better when I started secondary school. It was because, that was the time when he started to be around her all the time when they came to Keningau during holiday. I didn't remember what was my feeling. Was I jealous my cousin was not mind all the time anymore, or was I happy because she brought a new family member. Every Christmas, when my cousin and her sisters came, he''l be with them. When we were cooking for Christmas dinner, he'll be helping to fry the chicken wings. Everything, seems okay. I almost look up to him. And it actually took years for only the "almost". But I always remember what my friend have told me, he may look nice, act kindly, and do everything good, but you'll never know what he's truly are inside. She's right!
Then one day, I logged in to facebook. Saw this long post my cousin posted. The first thing I thought was, so it really happen? I read it. I think I saw his post to too but I just took a glance on it. I've read my cousin's so I don't need to know about more from the other side. What did I do? Nothing, I read it again then started to do what I needed to do in facebook. I talked nothing about. After a few days, or was it weeks?, my sister woke me up late at night, to read my cousin's message, with my sleepy face, I tell her that I've known it and went back to sleep. I took only few seconds to fall asleep, but in that very little moments, I still manage to say something to myself. So, they finally know it. Without me having to tell them about that post.
Life goes on. I never talked about it unless my sister said something. Time by time, my cousins opened up little by little. She told us what she was heart ache for. And we the other cousins, started to gain strength to tell her what actually we've been thinking about him. She seems to be agree with us. Even my cousins, who never really talked about him got mad when she told us what was the ex's comments about.... I was calm when we were talking but inside of me, there were a of thing I were thinking.
Early of this month, my cousin, the sister of my "cousin" I've talked about in the previous paragraph, broke up with her boyfriend. When I know that, I was thinking that maybe that was the the reason I've never been able to think of something to fix the song I've been writing for her. And even before that, I felt uneasy about them. I keep hoping that they're fine.
Recently in facebook, this girl start to post more than before about her feeling. There we're days when this guy updated his status so often. It was weird because he had lazy to update his status. Then I started to realize that their post post kind of relate to each other's. That was time time I realized that they have problem. He just confessed it an hour ago, before I started to write this blog. It was one of the reasons I decided to let these all out in this blog.
It's their problem right? But I can't help thinking about it! It keep me from doing one thing. It kept from thinking about being in relationship. It keep make me feel like life is better without someone else. When I start to have crush on someone, all these things will attack my mind. I'll still be crushing, but I'll never do anything about it.
The word break up
is very strong to me.
Even if I'm not the one whose being in it, I'll still be affected by it.
I hope that I will be strong
When the day I finally decide to be in relationship
I hope that I'll be able to face anything....