Thursday, October 13, 2016

Something that bothers me....

This is something that I need to write, to let it off my chest and to make other people think.

I hate it when people say well I guess hate is a strong word
" What are you worrying for, you have parents who can provide you. They're both working."

You know, the town where I live is not a big town, but it is not small enough for us to avoid paying for gas, water, electricity and etc. I have four sisters and they're studying across the sea.
I'm lucky, indeed, because I'm provided with allowance. My sisters however have to depend solely on my parents. Their living expenses are even higher than mine.
I receive my allowance. I can try to minimize my use of money, and I can even pick the cheapest route to go home, by bus. My sisters have no other choices, they need to get on the plane to get home.
Students know how hard it is to maintain a sane lifestyle with limited amount of money. So don't you dare say that I don't need to worry.
I am not the only child to be fed.
Maybe, maybe people just don't understand that I'm trying to learn managing my money from now on. I'm trying to create a balance in my wants and my needs. If it still work and it doesn't cause me any problem, then why should I get a new one?

Unless I'm starving myself to death, you shouldn't be saying things like that to me.
I eat, a lot more than you think.

Wednesday, August 31, 2016


For the first time, I didn't feel too bad about changing my path. After all, I should leave the job to those who actually care.


Monday, May 16, 2016


I have not been a morning person for a while. In fact I have never been a serious morning person. I wake up early when my body knows that I need to, but on holidays my morning's when the sun is at its peak. Six am is the earliest I can set my body during the holiday. 
The pictures in this post were taken from the roof top of the Holy Trinity Church's new building. It was such a beautiful sunrise that I question myself why am I holding a camera on a great morning instead of enjoying it? But I guess, I'm learning how to enjoy things while capturing them. The experience itself was amazing. I was amazed that I woke up just in time for the sunrise!
I just noticed that the picture up there is a little slanted. Oh well. Let's that be a reminder for me to practice more. 
The place where I took this picture will be the highest point of the Sabah Youth Day 4 venue which is, Holy Trinity Church, Tawau. The participants might not be able to see this view as we can't go to the rooftop unless we are the main organizer but I hope that people can see why some of us chose to be part of the team behind the preparation. We might not do much, we might not understand well, but we did it sincerely. 
The last SYD gave me a great experience, and I hope this coming SYD will be a memorable experience for all of us.

Friday, November 6, 2015


Despite everything, I don't regret what had happened. I don't regret making friends with her or him. I don't regret doing this and that for them. I don't regret the time I shared my most dangerous secret to her. I don't regret being mad as a result. 

I know that what I felt was real. I did what I did because I wanted to, because. Well. 

I knew that in the future I'm going to dislike most part of my past and I knew that I'm gonna mess up even more as I grow up, but I know that I am not regretting the things that I did and went through. 
Yeah, some of it was rough and I remember clearly considering to just use the short cut but I'm glad that I wasn't too stupid. 

I'm glad that I went through those things.

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Let people be//////Let it happen, naturally

I have to remind myself all the times that I am a completely different person than the rest of 7 billion people covering the earth. I don't even know if I get it right. The point here is I'm different from any of them. Something about human nature might shows us doing and having the same thoughts but no hearts and no brains are exactly the same.
It's normal for us to feel out of place to feel   .....

That was written a few days ago when I'm writing this very sentence you're reading. I have my maybe latest opinion now, maybe that's what I should call it. These words that I'm going to type is what I want to say right now but it doesn't feel right to delete my earlier thoughts. They're still related.

"We are too focused on making this world a better place by changing the people around us; changing them into something that we thought are going to make this world better. Truth is, there are over 7 billion people living on this earth and our minds work differently. When 7 billion people are starting to change the world with their mind alone, there are going to be 7 billion causes of chaos. You see, the start of a war can come from one small soul. Imagine 7 billion people; we'll lose our earth."

I'm not being pessimist about making changes. Changes happens over times. It's natural. It has to happen. So let it be natural. How does the natural things work here? Well, it will happen naturally.

Personally, I have faith that prayer helps. it helps me to be natural in the way I'm supposed to be.

p.s I might have ignored my grammar. forgive me.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015


I might be unlucky, but it could mean that I didn't try harder. Still, I wouldn't lie about the path I chose. 

As I secured my way on the path I chose, I thought that one day I'll grow to love what I'm going to receive. I know well about that path, I didn't know what I would feel about it. 
It doesn't feel right to walk away now, but staying doesn't make me feel any better. 
Sometimes I hate my sense of logic. 
It's like I've been dragging myself, or rather being dragged by the whole situation.
Well, maybe I just didn't try harder, but there's something about my sense of logic.
How can I compete for something that I am not passionate about at all?

I saw a few opening clearly in the beginning, and only shadows for the rest.
Perhaps I really should've made my own.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015


To be able to feel is both a blessing and torture, because you are not allowed to choose what you feel. You might choose how to react, or how you should feel. But. Admit it, in that split second when you decide how to feel, how to react, well, according to our nature, you do feel the real thing.