Thursday, May 17, 2018

February 2009

I lost someone close for the first time.
I attended funerals before, heard about someone losing their dear families or friends, but never the ones I love the most.

When it happened, I just knew it. Well, I usually notice when the mood in the air changes and that particular night when I heard his voice talking to someone on the phone, my body went numb, even before I heard the whole thing. He was talking in Dusun and it was very clear in my ears, as if the words were thrown at me. I heard it, and I remember the 'nothing' feeling. It almost feel like I was going deaf.

Then she came into the kitchen, where I was doing something. She simply asked if I already know it. I replied with a simple 'emm'.

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That particular year, I realized that we are thinking that everyone will be around forever.
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I still think like that after we recovered from our lost. The first lost of someone close to me.
And two years later it was like being thrown to the ground so hard that I couldn't grasp to the situation I was in.

Someone even closer to me had just passed away.
I kept  thinking, to keep myself from being eaten by the situation. I succeeded for a short amount of time.
The moment people start leaving the grave, I felt the sudden grip in my chest. I didn't want to leave yet. She needs company. That was what I was thinking.

I was all too sudden. I came home and she was healthy when we came over. Then it happened.

It was too fast.

I remember thinking that I knew, I knew that something like that will happen, because I knew how her body works, but I didn't know that it would be too soon.

I took a long time trying to accept our lost.

Thursday, February 8, 2018

I still want to write. I know because I still find myself thinking deeply all the time. I think deeply that refuse to let others into my thoughts. In my thoughts the most important to me is my point of views. I'm only a girl in my mid twenties who are never sure about anything. I look for place to write all the time. The irony is, I buy a lot of notebooks and I never ended up writing my thoughts in there anymore. 






















and of course, we've never told everything...
we've always decided to leave something out

Sunday, January 7, 2018

Happy New Year 2018!

I always think of driving as a way to describe how I see my life.
A few days ago I was driving manual when suddenly I was imagining describing my method of controlling the car to other people. I couldn't remember what the middle stick was supposed to do. To my surprise, that didn't surprise me. I was more surprised at the fact that I wasn't surprised. Calmly I think that I going to know what to do with the sticks when I need to change the gear.
I drive auto cars a lot these days. Everyone seems to prefer them these days. Even I think of getting an auto one if I ever buy a car. I prefer the manual but my feet doesn't seem to be cooperating well like the way they used to. It would be bad to get cramped foot while driving. p.s I already went through that.

My main points are...
I'll know what to do when the time comes. Sometimes our life gets easier and that is the time when we switched to auto because everything seems to be working out well by themselves.
However, sometimes we have to manually get our feet to work because things won't simply poof out of nowhere for us. And that's okay. Both modes are good.

Whatever you're doing
wherever you're going
whichever mode you're on
you're going to be fine.

Thursday, June 8, 2017


Strong in a weak way. Weak in a strong way.






 Which one are you?

Thursday, May 25, 2017

The road looked suddenly familiar tonight.
When I lived in the corner room, I can always see the junction. It looked the same tonight. 

In this darkness, it almost felt the same.

Sunday, May 21, 2017