February 2009

I lost someone close for the first time.
I attended funerals before, heard about someone losing their dear families or friends, but never the ones I love the most.

When it happened, I just knew it. Well, I usually notice when the mood in the air changes and that particular night when I heard his voice talking to someone on the phone, my body went numb, even before I heard the whole thing. He was talking in Dusun and it was very clear in my ears, as if the words were thrown at me. I heard it, and I remember the 'nothing' feeling. It almost feel like I was going deaf.

Then she came into the kitchen, where I was doing something. She simply asked if I already know it. I replied with a simple 'emm'.

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That particular year, I realized that we are thinking that everyone will be around forever.
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I still think like that after we recovered from our lost. The first lost of someone close to me.
And two years later it was like being thrown to the ground so hard that I couldn't grasp to the situation I was in.

Someone even closer to me had just passed away.
I kept  thinking, to keep myself from being eaten by the situation. I succeeded for a short amount of time.
The moment people start leaving the grave, I felt the sudden grip in my chest. I didn't want to leave yet. She needs company. That was what I was thinking.

I was all too sudden. I came home and she was healthy when we came over. Then it happened.

It was too fast.

I remember thinking that I knew, I knew that something like that will happen, because I knew how her body works, but I didn't know that it would be too soon.

I took a long time trying to accept our lost.