Invisible...even to me

What am I feeling?
I myself don't even know
Yes the heart is inside of me
But still it is very hideous
For every feeling they are making
No sign they will give me
And when the feeling is finally out
I'll have no idea what feeling it is
I try I try I try
But feel like it keep worsening
And it's not you
It's not your fault
It just me
Just me who can't accept you
Sorry
I'm okay, though you might not care
But sometimes the way you throw your words are cruel
You do not think it is
And I do not want to think so
But my mind often beaten by my heart
I can always deal with it
But when it is everyday
I can stray from my way
For I got my own reasons
When I say something
When I say I cannot
When I have to cancel a plan
What I did
Are not always what I wanted to do
What I'll do
Are the things that I'll need to deal with
Take it or leave it
And in this kind of life
I know I cannot walk alone
I know that have you, you, you, you,you
I am sorry
If I am not the kind of friend you want
Or the kind of friend that you expect me to be
I'll keep trying to get along with you guys
In fact
I feel secure the most when I am with you guys
I am my true self when I am with you
You
the first one who I being open to
You
The one I know even before coming here
Till now I'm still grateful you are here with me
You
The one I know the longest
I never thought we'll be together here with them
And to be able to know you more
Always made my days
You
When I heard your name for the first time
I know that it was you she talked about
I never thought that you'll be someone I'm close to
And I always adore you
You
Always make me laugh somehow
When you are so determined
And when you try to tease playfully with us
And it didn't happen as you wanted it to be
It became funnier
Do you know that?

But still
No one can avoid the feeling of weariness
The feeling of unwanted
The feeling of leaving
And mine are now mixed
Maybe it will take times
To separate them
And examine them one by one
To see why do they exist
Should I just throw them all
And start a new beginning?

No
I shall take out the unneeded
And take only the precious one
And I'll live this life
No matter how hard the obstacles are
And I believe that the invisible
Will be visible one day
I'll keep hoping for the day
When I live live life the way I should
With you
and especially
you, you, you, you, and you