It’s been a while since I’ve been
trying to avoid using the word ‘Love’ when it comes to relationship, except
with my families. I find it easy to say “I love this book!’ and “I love this
scent!’ but when it comes to the stage after friendship, it’s suddenly a hard word
to relate to. I can never be sure of my feeling when it comes to such matter.
Or maybe, it’s more like I’m afraid to allow myself to feel like that.
Earlier this year, I had a hard
period regarding to this word. It feels as if I've lost the spark. As if I can
never feel anything about it anymore. I was down for quite some times. I keep
telling myself that maybe, maybe He is taking my feeling for a while, until
He’s sure that I can handle it. I keep that in my heart to everywhere I go.
Somehow He gave it back to me
recently, but I still can’t figure it out. I can’t seem to figure out my own
feeling yet. I’m scared when I think of it. I’m scared. All my insecurities,
all my doubts, all my fears, I can feel them dwelling in me. I’m trying to get
rid of those things… but I can never be sure if I’ll succeed.
When it comes to such matter, at least two souls
are involved. I’m sorry to all of you. The guilt, the apology, is on me.
I’m sorry.
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