The Ugly Duckling ...

I thought that I'll put aside all of the courage I've gained and make it alright for me to say things out...

I remember that feeling when I entered a room and all eyes are on me. Whispers are heard, mouth are covered and quiet chuckle were all over the room. I am probably the subject of their humor. Maybe it is stupid to say this but, back then I didn't know what I felt. More like I didn't know what to feel. What to think of it. I can't even tell myself that they were treating me badly.
I remember that one time, I was scolded. My books were ruined. How can it not? A bottle of water was poured into my bag. My newly bought Faber Castle were tossed away from the window. Two girls constantly asking money from me when I barely have enough for myself. I was just a child who were are afraid to speak. You see, that stupid girl innocently thought that there were joking but I was the one to face the music all alone. Crying myself to sleep. Turning my head to the left and to the right when they asked me what had happened at school, just because I was afraid that I'll be facing a bigger problem.
Last year I was told that one thing about a woman. That one thing that brings out all of these memories that I thought are gone. What I heard was really upsetting. I really thought that she had loved me just like the other. I was just a burden in the room. That I was not like anyone else in the class and I realized that it was okay for me to hate her. To hate that room. To hate everyone inside the room. The other 49 look as if they are a nice kid, but the truth is, they were not very nice at all.

As a kid, I could not stop thinking why. Why did they do that to me? Were there something wrong with me? Why can't they take me the way they did with the other kid?

I do realize
I did realize
That I look different than other
That I was not good at all
But I did try to get into the circle.

What I am trying to say here is, I was just trying to get along.

The ugly duckling was just trying to get along ...

at the moment...

*Someone is offering foods in the class* Look a them* Not in the mood*

This might be my last entry before the coming examination. I know I'm not blogging often enough to write like this. 

So exam is finally around the corner. I try to deny it but deep inside I know that the drum is beating the wall of anticipation in my heart. Too much things happened the way it shouldn't, at least I think like that, because it's me who think of what should have happened in my eyes and in my surrounding. 

It is very hard to find my spirit back. I've lost it. I know I have to get back on track. I've tried and I'm still trying. Sometimes I see the path, sometimes I lost again. If I want to succeed, I must stay on the track. 

Maybe I should stay away from people, because that's how I studied back then. Maybe I should sleep all day and study all night, because that's my favourite way of doing my revision. I tried it here, but it's different. At home, there will be no sounds between midnight to dawn. At here, sharing room with stranger, I have to act like I don't mind. I know that there is a proper term for that, but till now I still can't accept that fact completely. There will be sound in the middle of the night, stranger communicating with her friend, yet another stranger to me. How disturbing. Disturbing! 

I know that I have to ignore this, get into myself, and care all about myself. Do the things the way I should. And that's what I am trying to do right now. 

I've been thinking about strategies, and maybe I've found some. Still it's still seem blurry to my eyes. My brain is still not accepting. And I'm sure that these cheeks will be wet, I don't know how bad but now it feels as if it's coming out anytime.

I can't help but keep wishing that things will turn out good. Keep wishing that somehow along the path someone will pull me and walk with me on the track, with it's hand guiding me. 

Candle ish Spirit

I have a candle ish spirit

Once lighted I'm bright with spirit

I release energy of heat 

As if I am the brightest

I am the source of life

But once wind my enemy strike

My light is gone with a single blow

and it do not even wait

The melted part of me harden 

Ugly

and I'm left like an emotionless soul

Even my shadow is transparent

not so random

I care about my feeling. Yes, I do. Who doesn't? I have tried to treat everyone the way I want them to treat me but sometimes the patience blows up. I really hate when I am treated that way. It hurt.I may not show  it but only because I am afraid I might hurt that person. I am not perfect, and sometimes I did violate my stand.
It's like my subsconcius is recording each time I am treated like that. Spreading it somewhere inside my mind that I thought I might have forgotten it. The record sometimes play by itself when I'm with that person. That person should have recognized it, and come to realization that I won't be treating you like that if you hadn't done it first. I am really really sorry for writing something like this but I've been holding this for quite some times.
I care about my feeling. I really really do. As the first among my siblings, I demand respect from everyone. I have just realized that this year. The respect that I want not to be called sister or looked by someone to ask for permissions or advice. I just want to be treated well. I believe that that person doesn't want to treated in a bad way, me too but my patience has a limit. I don't care how well or how spoiled that person is, what I know is I want to be respected. I will respect that person if that person respect me, and if that person don't respect me back I will still respect that person. But I will still demand it.
Just please, treat other person the way you want to be treated. If that person is going fine with you all this time and then suddenly there's something wrong with them, ask yourself before asking them what went wrong with them. You could be the reason!

it was there

When you ask me that question

It actually hurt me a bit

Of course I gave the kind of answer I gave to everyone

Still, it hurt to be in a situation where I end up being reminded of the past