...

Despite everything, I don't regret what had happened. I don't regret making friends with her or him. I don't regret doing this and that for them. I don't regret the time I shared my most dangerous secret to her. I don't regret being mad as a result. 

I know that what I felt was real. I did what I did because I wanted to, because. Well. 

I knew that in the future I'm going to dislike most part of my past and I knew that I'm gonna mess up even more as I grow up, but I know that I am not regretting the things that I did and went through. 

Yeah, some of it was rough and I remember clearly considering to just use the short cut but I'm glad that I wasn't too stupid. 

I'm glad that I went through those things.

Let people be//////Let it happen, naturally

I have to remind myself all the times that I am a completely different person than the rest of 7 billion people covering the earth. I don't even know if I get it right. The point here is I'm different from any of them. Something about human nature might shows us doing and having the same thoughts but no hearts and no brains are exactly the same.

It's normal for us to feel out of place to feel   .....

That was written a few days ago when I'm writing this very sentence you're reading. I have my maybe latest opinion now, maybe that's what I should call it. These words that I'm going to type is what I want to say right now but it doesn't feel right to delete my earlier thoughts. They're still related.

"We are too focused on making this world a better place by changing the people around us; changing them into something that we thought are going to make this world better. Truth is, there are over 7 billion people living on this earth and our minds work differently. When 7 billion people are starting to change the world with their mind alone, there are going to be 7 billion causes of chaos. You see, the start of a war can come from one small soul. Imagine 7 billion people; we'll lose our earth."

I'm not being pessimist about making changes. Changes happens over times. It's natural. It has to happen. So let it be natural. How does the natural things work here? Well, it will happen naturally.

Personally, I have faith that prayer helps. it helps me to be natural in the way I'm supposed to be.

p.s I might have ignored my grammar. forgive me.

...

I might be unlucky, but it could mean that I didn't try harder. Still, I wouldn't lie about the path I chose. 

As I secured my way on the path I chose, I thought that one day I'll grow to love what I'm going to receive. I know well about that path, I didn't know what I would feel about it. 

It doesn't feel right to walk away now, but staying doesn't make me feel any better. 

Sometimes I hate my sense of logic. 

It's like I've been dragging myself, or rather being dragged by the whole situation.

Well, maybe I just didn't try harder, but there's something about my sense of logic.

How can I compete for something that I am not passionate about at all?

I saw a few opening clearly in the beginning, and only shadows for the rest.
Perhaps I really should've made my own.

...

To be able to feel is both a blessing and torture, because you are not allowed to choose what you feel. You might choose how to react, or how you should feel. But. Admit it, in that split second when you decide how to feel, how to react, well, according to our nature, you do feel the real thing.

_______________________________________

After 3 years we were finally sent to school. I guess I was doing well. I guess. Even after preparing myself, I still find myself barely stepping into the reality. I thought that it will come naturally but it didn't. Maybe I'm still unable to feel it but for now it just feels like alien to me.
When we gather, I can see that most of them talked about it sincerely. Well, not that I wasn't sincere, but it somehow wasn't enough for me. I want to really feel it! I want to make things better because of my own will. Not just for the sake of getting high marks. Even though I reminded myself to not treat them like a bunch of experiment dolls, I feel like that's exactly what I am doing right now.
I feel bad because I don't think that I will have the same joy if they ever come to me with big grins and their high-pitched voice.
I really did try. I hope I just need more time. It's been a long time since I made up my mind to not get attached easily. That determination was too strong, maybe. But I hope that I will be able to soften at least a small part of my heart for the future little humans.

__________________________

The rules of the world told us that we have no right to judge other people. Whatever they do is their own journey. A journey that we can never understand because we will never walk in their shoes. But we do deserve to choose our own feeling. What we are going to do when those feelings start to grab hour heart tighter. Tighter and tighter every passing moment. Have you ever wandered, is it wrong to keep those feelings? Is it wrong to feel the emotion? Is wrong to admit that those emotions are killing us? Things are intertwined somehow, among us. There are no perfect words or ways to explain that but deep in our heart we know. Most people know it very well, what they should do. I think I do too, but sometimes this kind of questions just haunt me to the point where I question why own stand. Sometimes you just keep saying that you're not in the same shoes as them, but you'll feel like saying they aren't in the same shoes as you too.

Last day of January 2015

The things we own are merely tokens of what we have done to this world. None of them are eternal. Your beauty will fade and one day lost. Your stuffs will one day rust and then even money won't be able to ease your heart. Therefore what we have now, we must must not take them for granted. We must not boast about it. They will not last. 

Take a look into your heart instead, and look at the most important things or persons. 

Most importantly, take a look your belief, feel it, because those are the things that will remain even after we're gone. Those are the things that will remain even when our stories are buried under the soils and covered by the new faces of the earth.