The Ugly Duckling ...

I thought that I'll put aside all of the courage I've gained and make it alright for me to say things out...

I remember that feeling when I entered a room and all eyes are on me. Whispers are heard, mouth are covered and quiet chuckle were all over the room. I am probably the subject of their humor. Maybe it is stupid to say this but, back then I didn't know what I felt. More like I didn't know what to feel. What to think of it. I can't even tell myself that they were treating me badly.
I remember that one time, I was scolded. My books were ruined. How can it not? A bottle of water was poured into my bag. My newly bought Faber Castle were tossed away from the window. Two girls constantly asking money from me when I barely have enough for myself. I was just a child who were are afraid to speak. You see, that stupid girl innocently thought that there were joking but I was the one to face the music all alone. Crying myself to sleep. Turning my head to the left and to the right when they asked me what had happened at school, just because I was afraid that I'll be facing a bigger problem.
Last year I was told that one thing about a woman. That one thing that brings out all of these memories that I thought are gone. What I heard was really upsetting. I really thought that she had loved me just like the other. I was just a burden in the room. That I was not like anyone else in the class and I realized that it was okay for me to hate her. To hate that room. To hate everyone inside the room. The other 49 look as if they are a nice kid, but the truth is, they were not very nice at all.

As a kid, I could not stop thinking why. Why did they do that to me? Were there something wrong with me? Why can't they take me the way they did with the other kid?

I do realize
I did realize
That I look different than other
That I was not good at all
But I did try to get into the circle.

What I am trying to say here is, I was just trying to get along.

The ugly duckling was just trying to get along ...

Things Unspoken

               Even when the lips are silent, the body is still, and the face doesn’t react, doesn’t mean the heart doesn’t beat, doesn't complain, and doesn’t cry. 

It tries to hide countless emotion all the time.

 All the time.

 Sometime it gets tired too. 

That’s why sometime out of the blue, the lips, the body and face suddenly blurted out things you never want to hear, or things you never knew existed. 

 It happens to all of us. 

We might have differences in the kind of secrets and bruises we hid, but all of us had something in common. We all have things unspoken in our heart.  

... and here I go again

I hope that we'll meet accidentally in the airport, accidentally have the same flight, and accidentally sit next to each other. You'll be mine until it is time for the plane to land. 

So that I may realize once again that it wrong to hope for you, so I might remember why did I do what I did.

Blame him, blame the songs, blame the movies, blame the surrounding, blame everything for reminding me about you.

I like to see him in red

I like to see him in red

He was in the red team

I was in the blue team

Watching him from the other side.

I wish him victory

But I can’t let my team down

So I’ll just watch him from the other side

And I like to see him in red.

I passed by the basketball court this morning

And suddenly his shadow appeared

All of those memories rushed out from their hiding

Made me realize once more that I love you.

I love you for who you are

It’s not the colour that you wear

It’s only a part of it

I love your awful voice when you sing

I love your blushing cheek when you’re shy and

I love your bad handwriting on my paper.

~I thought that it would be nice to start this February with some of my first lovey dovey poem~

~I don't even remember when it was written~

A gift from January

       One evening in January 2013, I suddenly came to realization that I am growing up. I was reading a blog on New Year resolution. Somehow I was touched by her resolutions. I made a to do list few years ago, but I've never did what I wrote. Far from completing the list. So I made my mind that I won't write anymore to do list. It came again to my mind the moment I read the blog. I was lying on my back with my laptop on my stomach, then I rose, put the laptop on my table and started writing a proper resolution. After taking my time, I started to write my resolutions. I stopped after writing three resolutions.
       Something came to me. My tears came out. I am getting older. I've lost some pieces of me. Those pieces are replaced by new pieces of me. Some are good, some are bad. For a moment I feel like I've lost myself. I felt this in December. I thought that it had past but I realized that it will be something I'll remember for the rest of my life. I have to bear with it.
       I never thought that getting older can be this emotional. All this time I've been wanting to be a grown up, but now I have to think twice. Too bad that I can't change what's going to happen. But I was thanking God for giving me this realization. Some people will never realize until it too late.
       My tears were flowing more as I think more of this. I am no longer myself, the one I used to be. The quality in me that I used to adore are fading away.
       I continued writing my resolutions with the hope that I will be able to make it this time. I now realize that life is more complicated than you think it is. But as long as I realize that I'm changing, and as I long as I know that I'm changing towards the better me, I know that I'm on the right track.
       I took a deep breath when I finished writing my resolutions. I'm not gonna lie, I was feeling down for the rest of the day. Even when I left my resolutions on the table and start doing something else, it just won't get of my mind. It took me maybe a few days to really set up my mind for the resolutions, and I have to gather courage and determination from the people around me. I am still gathering them, and I'm starting to live my resolutions.
       I am very thankful of one thing. I feel my faith growing, and it helps me all the time. Praise the Lord for it. This January had been a blessing for me. This is not the only good things that happened on me in January, there is another, maybe many others that I did not realize.
       Thank you January, for this precious gift.

2 years on blog

My anniversary on blog had passed about 7 days ago. I remember my first entry was on 3rd January 2011. I had a lot of free times at that time. Because I was so young. eeekk! Haha I was indeed younger than myself now but the main reason why was I just finished my SPM examination.

Did you get my humor? ehehe

Though I'm not blogging so often, though I don't have the enough follower to post something like this, I still want to write about my experience in blogging. Blogging might be as easy as ABC for some people but I don't think so. It's a whole different story for me. After finding out that I didn't like to read something that I won't feel glad to remember, I tried to think of a way of writing that won't disappoint those who came across my blog. Of course I feel like I failed a thousand times, but I guess that's not for me to decide.

I'm glad to say that I found some bits of myself in blogging. I like that feeling when I clicked the 'write a new entry' button without having something in my mind to write. Sometimes I end up writing something that didn't make any sense at all for me, but I published it anyway. They will probably entertain me when I go through my past entries. To see the early stage of my writing on blog. To see how it developed. Kind of like studying myself. This might not make sense for now but after so many years later this will be one of the thing I'll consider as nostalgic.

I have the stubbornness in me. Yes, I found it out through my blogging experience. I refuse to be like this. I refuse to be like that. Those things are things that people will consider completely normal but completely awkward for me. So far I've been able to hold myself back from those things. I won't write about those things but I'll say that I refuse to be on the same level in blogging. By saying on the same level I mean from my perspective of blogging. You might think that the often you post your entry, the better your blog is. I might not think of it the way you do. So I'll stick to my principle. By the way that was just an example. I really think that it's the content of your entry that matter, not how often you post them.

I won't stop blogging yet. Because I know even if my blog is rarely found some people still kindly spend their time to read my entries. I want to thank you all of my readers for willing to do that for me. I'm happy to know that people read me through my blog. Of course I didn't write everything about me but this is still a kind of way to express myself and I'm glad people read my expression. Sometimes I feel like I could die of embarrassment just by thinking of the mistake I made in the language I used and when I feel like I've written something that didn't make any sense at all but I get over it as time flies. It made me work harder so I can write something that is good enough to be presented to the online community. 

Thank you for willing to spend your precious time to read my entry.
Thank you.

Rosy I swear - The Little Columbus

A million faces in million places,
You came and shone right through it all,
And I may be crazy but Rosy I swear,
I never thought life could be so fair.

We are like children,
We go through the seasons,
We laugh we cry we live a life,
And I may be hazy but Rosy I swear,
I think I was living on a prayer.

Cuz sometimes you just have a rainy day,
And sometimes words they seem to have no meaning,
When times are hard days are long,
I will help you along,
Tell a joke, play a game, sing a song.

I was dreamer, a silly believer,
I always found the chance to say,
That the heat of the summer is gonna last forever,
But I guess it never got to stay.

A little while later on a lonely December,
I hope the song will find you well,
And I may be crazy but Rosy I swear,
I'll light up the silver in your hair.

Cuz sometimes you just have a rainy day,
And sometimes words they seem to have no meaning,
When times are hard days are long,
I will help you along,
Tell a joke, play a game, sing a song.

We all get older but we will remember,
No matter how many miles away,
But as long as we know that we can see another day,
Tell a joke, play a game, sing a song.

Cuz sometimes you just have a rainy day,
And sometimes words they seem to have no meaning,
When times are hard days are long,
I will help you along,
Tell a joke, play a game, sing a song.


#Falling for this song over and over