...

For the first time, I didn't feel too bad about changing my path. After all, I should leave the job to those who actually care.

...

_______________________________________

After 3 years we were finally sent to school. I guess I was doing well. I guess. Even after preparing myself, I still find myself barely stepping into the reality. I thought that it will come naturally but it didn't. Maybe I'm still unable to feel it but for now it just feels like alien to me.
When we gather, I can see that most of them talked about it sincerely. Well, not that I wasn't sincere, but it somehow wasn't enough for me. I want to really feel it! I want to make things better because of my own will. Not just for the sake of getting high marks. Even though I reminded myself to not treat them like a bunch of experiment dolls, I feel like that's exactly what I am doing right now.
I feel bad because I don't think that I will have the same joy if they ever come to me with big grins and their high-pitched voice.
I really did try. I hope I just need more time. It's been a long time since I made up my mind to not get attached easily. That determination was too strong, maybe. But I hope that I will be able to soften at least a small part of my heart for the future little humans.

and...

               I took a very long break, didn't I? Well, I've posted maybe two posts but really, that was it. Still, it was great. It has been a long time since I didn't write at all. I was devastated sometimes, that I couldn't bring myself to sit and write, but I finally realized that it was no harm at all. It had been a long time since I read and only read. It had been a long time since I think and only think. I don't think that those thoughts were wasted because by only thinking, those thoughts were carefully digested and slowly the ones I truly hold on to the most become clearer to me. I was able to think without being disrupted by blank spaces that I was so eager to write on. I've always wanted to be myself and I can say that I am closer to myself. I see now that they are many things await, and they wait patiently for me to unwrap. 

             This was something that I had to go through in order to see things from the different sides of me. I must say that I am a calmer person because of this, and I love it. I'm looking forward to write more after this. The road to finding what I'm made of is still long journey but I'm glad that I have my angels and someone whom I know will always be by my side.

I found something last night~

Last night, before I sleep,

I talked to God, about you,

I said that I missed you all day,

You were out of sight,

And that I hope you’re doing well.

How many days do I have to go through

Before I can see you come to me?

Holiday never felt this long,

I’m willing to come back as long as you’re right there too.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I found this in my notebook while I was looking for something. I don’t remember what I was writing for. It seems incomplete. I found it the way it is typed here. I don’t remember if I was writing for someone or was I inspired in the midst of nothingness at that time. No date and venue written, and to think that I’m looking for them in my own notebook, oh. I don’t even remember if I wrote them during the holiday. However, I’m hooked to this again. As if I rediscover my own emotion. It feels, good? It rarely feels so, so I think I’ll just have to write about this. So that when I rediscover this again in the future, I’ll know that I felt good about it, and I should feel the same way again. Maybe I know the truth behind this but I prefer not to be clear about this. Yet.

The Wind Blows

The weather were just calming down

So there I was, taking a walk

Everything seems fine, the colours were all soft

And how stupid I was, to stay outside for too long

In the middle of the field I stood

Smiling as a feeling of peace sneaked into my soul

A swirl of air formed, but I can barely see it

And without my consciousness

The wind blows

Startled, I said nothing

But I stood there, not knowing what to do

I've come so far to feel this way

But now that the wind blows

I can never forget how it made me feels.

Things Unspoken

               Even when the lips are silent, the body is still, and the face doesn’t react, doesn’t mean the heart doesn’t beat, doesn't complain, and doesn’t cry. 

It tries to hide countless emotion all the time.

 All the time.

 Sometime it gets tired too. 

That’s why sometime out of the blue, the lips, the body and face suddenly blurted out things you never want to hear, or things you never knew existed. 

 It happens to all of us. 

We might have differences in the kind of secrets and bruises we hid, but all of us had something in common. We all have things unspoken in our heart.  

Random New Year

It's New Year. Happy New Year! Hope you had a good celebration. Mine was made a day earlier due to a few things. So on the 31st we went to church which I think a good start for the new year.

I'm back in campus and I don't feel good yet. But today is so much better than the first day. It was hard to accept the fact that I was leaving on new year. If I could postpone the date I would've. Oh well. At least things are doing well for me.

I think I lost myself these few days. Things suddenly felt too hard for me. Things were doing fine that nothing can stop me from coming a little later to this place. I lost my writing mood, I lost my appetite, and I think I lost my sanity too.

Right now I'm having instant noodle. I'm not craving. I think my appetite is coming back but I also think that this is due to homesickness. Talking about food, I really need to watch what I eat. I have to lose the extra number I gained during the holiday. Mehh...I ate what I wanted at home and here I have to be really careful.

I kinda feeling bad because my roommate had an accident so she's not coming until next week. I feel bad because I enjoy having the room for me alone. I feel so free. I can act as crazy as I want and let my tension burst out whenever I want. It just feel so good. I'm sorry roommate.

To tell you the truth, I don't really know what I'm writing. I just feel like I should write and now is the time for it. So I think I should end this here. Happy New Year and wish you'll have a good year.

December comes again

Every times December 1st come, I'm like "Oh yeah" all day! It's the most exciting time of the year for most people. It's Christmas. It's holiday. It's the gathering. It's when you can go all out! 

This December, I'd like to regain the pieces of myself that I had lost. I feel different. Not that I'm totally changed, just slightly different. Still, the impact feels so great. I think while I'm trying to grab some lessons in life, I had forgotten to keep my grip tight on myself, causing some parts of me to be left somewhere. 

I'd also like to reminisce the old times. Well, it's not that I'm too old already, haha. I went through childhood, and it won't be long till the time for to leave my teenager phase. Though I think that the teenage spirit will stay in me for quite sometime even after the phase *grin*

 I wish all you a happy December!

Life is sweet when you are where you belong to

Being home really makes me forgot to check my phone because I know that everyone is busy holidaying so no one would bother calling anyone except if they're any important matter. They are hardly any. Just now when I logged in facebook I got know that today's date is very unique. 10/11/12. What a perfect sequential date. So I thought why not I blog. I have nothing to hold me back. Like yeah, finally!

It's the second day I'm home. Yeap, I'm home since yesterday. If you could see me I'm having a big smile! You know that yellow and black smiley face? Haha, I'm joking. I'm really looking forward for this holiday! 

I shall write a little description on how it was before I was home yesterday, right? As I mentioned in my last entry (or entries?) Me and my classmates needed to sit for our examination. It was a lot of stress. Well, since we have to rely on it to get into our degree program next year. We have tried all we can do, we have given all we can give. Now we're fingercrossing on the result. Now I'm going to forget about the exam and only think about it again when the result is going to be revealed. 

One thing I learned about life so far is, things are going to be the same, at least for a portion of your life, so it's up to you to play it to the same beat over and over again or you can modify the sound. Get it? 

Coming home this time was a little smoother than last year. Well, minus the delay and little schedule interruptions at campus. As the plane was landing I saw the sky getting cloudier and drops of rain were hitting the window. We were lucky enough because the plan weren't diverted. It only rained heavily when we finally landed. When me and Lion finally settled ourselves in the taxi, we were over the moon.   

Okay, I'm going to miss campus life. #Highlight# my friends in campus. I really love them. And I'm also gonna miss St.Paul. It was officially a church last October. Me and the whole members of St.Paul were so happy . For some reason I feel blessed and touched at the same time. The church was supposed to be made official since 2009 but it felt as if they waited for us the junior to come in. I guess I shall write more about this in another entry. 

I'm also gonna miss the seniors. It was an emotional moment to part with them. It's harder this year as I've already started socializing with them. I know that I can expect it to get harder the years to come. Seniors, I believe that we will meet again someday. Who know we might work together in the future right? There's always hope :)

I'm ending this entry here. There are a lot of things I'm looking forward to. Ahhh I'm too excited!  Someone cool me down because I need to start enjoying this holiday. 

Happy Holiday to All of You!

at the moment...

*Someone is offering foods in the class* Look a them* Not in the mood*

This might be my last entry before the coming examination. I know I'm not blogging often enough to write like this. 

So exam is finally around the corner. I try to deny it but deep inside I know that the drum is beating the wall of anticipation in my heart. Too much things happened the way it shouldn't, at least I think like that, because it's me who think of what should have happened in my eyes and in my surrounding. 

It is very hard to find my spirit back. I've lost it. I know I have to get back on track. I've tried and I'm still trying. Sometimes I see the path, sometimes I lost again. If I want to succeed, I must stay on the track. 

Maybe I should stay away from people, because that's how I studied back then. Maybe I should sleep all day and study all night, because that's my favourite way of doing my revision. I tried it here, but it's different. At home, there will be no sounds between midnight to dawn. At here, sharing room with stranger, I have to act like I don't mind. I know that there is a proper term for that, but till now I still can't accept that fact completely. There will be sound in the middle of the night, stranger communicating with her friend, yet another stranger to me. How disturbing. Disturbing! 

I know that I have to ignore this, get into myself, and care all about myself. Do the things the way I should. And that's what I am trying to do right now. 

I've been thinking about strategies, and maybe I've found some. Still it's still seem blurry to my eyes. My brain is still not accepting. And I'm sure that these cheeks will be wet, I don't know how bad but now it feels as if it's coming out anytime.

I can't help but keep wishing that things will turn out good. Keep wishing that somehow along the path someone will pull me and walk with me on the track, with it's hand guiding me. 

Candle ish Spirit

I have a candle ish spirit

Once lighted I'm bright with spirit

I release energy of heat 

As if I am the brightest

I am the source of life

But once wind my enemy strike

My light is gone with a single blow

and it do not even wait

The melted part of me harden 

Ugly

and I'm left like an emotionless soul

Even my shadow is transparent