Something that bothers me....

This is something that I need to write, to let it off my chest and to make other people think.

I hate it when people say well I guess hate is a strong word

" What are you worrying for, you have parents who can provide you. They're both working."

You know, the town where I live is not a big town, but it is not small enough for us to avoid paying for gas, water, electricity and etc. I have four sisters and they're studying across the sea.

I'm lucky, indeed, because I'm provided with allowance. My sisters however have to depend solely on my parents. Their living expenses are even higher than mine.

I receive my allowance. I can try to minimize my use of money, and I can even pick the cheapest route to go home, by bus. My sisters have no other choices, they need to get on the plane to get home.

Students know how hard it is to maintain a sane lifestyle with limited amount of money. So don't you dare say that I don't need to worry.

I am not the only child to be fed.

Maybe, maybe people just don't understand that I'm trying to learn managing my money from now on. I'm trying to create a balance in my wants and my needs. If it still work and it doesn't cause me any problem, then why should I get a new one?

Unless I'm starving myself to death, you shouldn't be saying things like that to me.

I eat, a lot more than you think.

...

For the first time, I didn't feel too bad about changing my path. After all, I should leave the job to those who actually care.

...

...

I have not been a morning person for a while. In fact I have never been a serious morning person. I wake up early when my body knows that I need to, but on holidays my morning's when the sun is at its peak. Six am is the earliest I can set my body during the holiday. 

The pictures in this post were taken from the roof top of the Holy Trinity Church's new building. It was such a beautiful sunrise that I question myself why am I holding a camera on a great morning instead of enjoying it? But I guess, I'm learning how to enjoy things while capturing them. The experience itself was amazing. I was amazed that I woke up just in time for the sunrise!

I just noticed that the picture up there is a little slanted. Oh well. Let's that be a reminder for me to practice more. 

The place where I took this picture will be the highest point of the Sabah Youth Day 4 venue which is, Holy Trinity Church, Tawau. The participants might not be able to see this view as we can't go to the rooftop unless we are the main organizer but I hope that people can see why some of us chose to be part of the team behind the preparation. We might not do much, we might not understand well, but we did it sincerely. 

The last SYD gave me a great experience, and I hope this coming SYD will be a memorable experience for all of us.

Let people be//////Let it happen, naturally

I have to remind myself all the times that I am a completely different person than the rest of 7 billion people covering the earth. I don't even know if I get it right. The point here is I'm different from any of them. Something about human nature might shows us doing and having the same thoughts but no hearts and no brains are exactly the same.

It's normal for us to feel out of place to feel   .....

That was written a few days ago when I'm writing this very sentence you're reading. I have my maybe latest opinion now, maybe that's what I should call it. These words that I'm going to type is what I want to say right now but it doesn't feel right to delete my earlier thoughts. They're still related.

"We are too focused on making this world a better place by changing the people around us; changing them into something that we thought are going to make this world better. Truth is, there are over 7 billion people living on this earth and our minds work differently. When 7 billion people are starting to change the world with their mind alone, there are going to be 7 billion causes of chaos. You see, the start of a war can come from one small soul. Imagine 7 billion people; we'll lose our earth."

I'm not being pessimist about making changes. Changes happens over times. It's natural. It has to happen. So let it be natural. How does the natural things work here? Well, it will happen naturally.

Personally, I have faith that prayer helps. it helps me to be natural in the way I'm supposed to be.

p.s I might have ignored my grammar. forgive me.

_______________________________________

After 3 years we were finally sent to school. I guess I was doing well. I guess. Even after preparing myself, I still find myself barely stepping into the reality. I thought that it will come naturally but it didn't. Maybe I'm still unable to feel it but for now it just feels like alien to me.
When we gather, I can see that most of them talked about it sincerely. Well, not that I wasn't sincere, but it somehow wasn't enough for me. I want to really feel it! I want to make things better because of my own will. Not just for the sake of getting high marks. Even though I reminded myself to not treat them like a bunch of experiment dolls, I feel like that's exactly what I am doing right now.
I feel bad because I don't think that I will have the same joy if they ever come to me with big grins and their high-pitched voice.
I really did try. I hope I just need more time. It's been a long time since I made up my mind to not get attached easily. That determination was too strong, maybe. But I hope that I will be able to soften at least a small part of my heart for the future little humans.

Last day of January 2015

The things we own are merely tokens of what we have done to this world. None of them are eternal. Your beauty will fade and one day lost. Your stuffs will one day rust and then even money won't be able to ease your heart. Therefore what we have now, we must must not take them for granted. We must not boast about it. They will not last. 

Take a look into your heart instead, and look at the most important things or persons. 

Most importantly, take a look your belief, feel it, because those are the things that will remain even after we're gone. Those are the things that will remain even when our stories are buried under the soils and covered by the new faces of the earth.

and...

               I took a very long break, didn't I? Well, I've posted maybe two posts but really, that was it. Still, it was great. It has been a long time since I didn't write at all. I was devastated sometimes, that I couldn't bring myself to sit and write, but I finally realized that it was no harm at all. It had been a long time since I read and only read. It had been a long time since I think and only think. I don't think that those thoughts were wasted because by only thinking, those thoughts were carefully digested and slowly the ones I truly hold on to the most become clearer to me. I was able to think without being disrupted by blank spaces that I was so eager to write on. I've always wanted to be myself and I can say that I am closer to myself. I see now that they are many things await, and they wait patiently for me to unwrap. 

             This was something that I had to go through in order to see things from the different sides of me. I must say that I am a calmer person because of this, and I love it. I'm looking forward to write more after this. The road to finding what I'm made of is still long journey but I'm glad that I have my angels and someone whom I know will always be by my side.

,

The end of my fingers lightly brushes the pile of thoughts written in this sphere. I can feel the dust trapped in between the fingerprint lines in my hands. It has been a really really long time since the last one. 

I was busy being real. I was busy living a reality that I now love more. I miss writing here. And I still remember that one particular thing I wished to write a month ago. I will write that but I''ll have to rearrange my draft.

Now that I can at least breathe, and I got two signs that I have to write again, I'm finally here. It's still early to sum up the semester, but I can say that it has been tough. Just a little bit more and this sem will come to its end. I can't be sure though, of my feeling this year. 

I know, you know, we all know that changes are inevitable. But the transition can make it seems so hard to take. 

Well, while we still have time, we just spend every moment making memories shall we?

The happy ones, the silly ones, the crazy ones. That when we look back, we'll squeal and laugh till we cry.

Under His Wings

That particular day, I think I truly understand what He felt when He lifted His head after He was baptized. In the sky above, the sun rays was beautifully brought by the Holy Spirit in the form of a dove. What a joy He must have felt when His father announced that Jesus is His son.

The faith that He is truly over there, watching us. 

~

It was very late. I passed by the last person on the track. After a few meters, I decided to look up to the view at my back. How stunned I was to see what laid up in front of me. 

A pair of wings in tangerine colour, swirled by the blue of the sky was spread open up there. I stayed there for a few moments. Unable to share it with someone else as I was the only one left, I tried to remember as many details as I could. I tried to really translate what I was feeling at that moment.

God showed it to me at the end of the day, during the transition of day into night,  like a reminder that He was with me all day long. That all this time I was under the safety of His angels' wing. And I believe that as long as I live, together God, and Jesus and the Holy Spirit will take care of me. 

What I have to do is to keep believing even if I can't see Him.

I believe that when I can't see Him, that's the moment when He is really close to me.

~

Her day :)

 That evening

her soft colour contrasted beautifully with the surrounding,

 He was coming fast.

He noticed her,

and seemed suddenly realized that he needed to do something,

he went on and called her name. 

Loud and quick.

She lifted up her face a second too late

She didn't hear or see anything,
but later,
 she learned about it
and instant constant happiness finally appeared in her face.

The end of Semester 3 ^^

Hello there, 

it's been a while right. So tonight, with chocolate melting in my mouth, I decided to write something. Before I forgot to mention, I'm home!!!

I suddenly feel like summing up my third semester, so I thought why not? I started this semester, which was also the beginning of the year, with nothing too big in my mind. I just want to enjoy this year because it's the last year I'm studying as a full time student(still a full time student next year, but with the practicum teehee). The last year to think only of myself. The last year to be with the graduating seniors. And of course, with you. You know who you are :)

But then, I broke what what I said last year. I got into that campaign and then I was chosen. Though I was kinda the last choice. Haha, that's how I translated the situation at that time. I'm glad though, for some reasons. 

Then time passes faster than I imagined it would be. I still remember that night when I saw her for the first time in two months. It was like we haven't met forever! I remember the evening spent having dinner with him, hoping that time will actually freeze. I remember the weekends with them at St.Paul and how we usually have lunch together after that. And that special weekend when we extended our lunch time until late afternoon. I've only remember it right now, and I guess more are coming. Well, they always come at unexpected moment :)

Then suddenly it was a few more weeks before the semester end. I struggled to find the anticipation for it but I failed because at the same time, I was busy looking for things to do so won't think about it. Right now I can only hope that it was a good decision, since I know that even when I don't bother, a part of me will always think of it. 

For most of my batch mates, the camping was the end. But mine was three days ago after the choir. Worth it :) I'm glad that I decided to stay with the choir team :)

The end of semester 3 ^^

Tower of thoughts

I tried to give a meaning to this picture 

and those lines are the thoughts that came into my mind

Old room New room

I don't mean it literally, the title I mean. Though I did move into a new room after taking such a long time to decide. 

Some things are meant to stay where they are. Like visiting an old room, and there they are, your collection of dolls or pictures from the old times or simply notebooks where you've jotted down your thoughts. Sometimes you bring them with you, out of the room into your new place. Sometimes it's wise to let them stay in the room. Bringing them will only take up the space in your new room. Plus, they won't be any help to you.

You can always come back and reminisce. But don't forget that you have a new room to be filled with other things. Something new, something even more meaningful. 

The same thing goes to our lives. Sometimes it is better to only remember something or someone in your heart. No need to bring them up everyday. You have to live in the moment. So that when the moment finally become a memory, you can look back with no regret.

I've been meaning to write this since that night. That night when I was inspired to write this. Now that I finally have some time to breathe, it is written. It is kind of a reminder to myself too since I tend to stray away from my path. 

Have a good day people :)

It's better to arrive in daylight

~It is now the end of another year again. The time when people look back and try to make sense of the things they did all year. And yes, I am looking back too ~

When I look back, I can say that this year was really something. I didn't know that I dare do the things that I did. I myself was shocked. I'm sorry to those who were terrified. I didn't mean to scare you girls. And I thought a lot about an idea, the one I've been keeping for a few years now. I look back again and suddenly it all make sense. The idea was really something. It was something that I think I am meant to do.

Oh, the title. It is something that I've been thinking of during the holiday. Something about a journey, something about the trees, covering the rest of the path. It's really something. Opened my heavy eyes, and made me move slower. Okay maybe not very slow but I feel something. Now I'm glad that things are quite clear right now.

Sometime it feels as if I'm floating right now. One moment I'm floating over here, and then the next moment I'm floating over there. There's something about floating. I know that I'm not going to float forever, so I'm thinking of ways to control the wind, so that it will bring me to the place that I wish for.

What I didn't know was, things could be very beautiful if we just let everything run by themselves. Not in a way that we let things 'run' us. We make plans, we dream of things. We make effort to make our dreams real but without ignoring every other things that could happen.

There are so many things that have knocked me down this year, but every time I look up, I'm blessed to always find a hand to help me get back on my feet.

And if I should describe my 2013...
I'd say it was a lovely lovely year :)

Even the skies aren't as free as it was

I once made a kite, out of green A4 papers, a few wooden sticks, and a length of thread. That was when I had the enthusiasm to do whatever things that crosses my mind. I must be six or something. Well, judging by the materials you would have guessed that it didn't look very good and it probably won't go very high. But it flew when I ran through the field. And I was just satisfied. 

I think I did try to make a few more after that but I have no solid memory about them. Well, I do remember something about the doodles on the papers and how it didn't work out but that's not my point here. 

When I was so much younger, when I look up outside, I see the sky. Just the sky, no high buildings, no electric poles, banners or whatsoever. And maybe I didn't realize soon enough but looking up is so calming. I love how blue it is. The various patterns of clouds that I like to see. I came to realize sometime maybe two or a year ago that I'm quite claustrophobic. Or maybe I'm very claustrophobic. I don't know how bad it is yet but now I know why I like the sky so much. It looks like a never ending dance floor.

I like being under the sky, roofless but nowadays it's all about privacy. Maybe it's not entirely true but you can't deny it right? All we think of when we are outside is to get back into the safety of our own chamber. Even at the village. I wasn't really excited when they started to plant electric poles before because things will be so much different. And it happened. I loved the view at the village years ago so much better.

But yeah, who am I to resist development. Maybe they are just happening too fast and I have left behind in catching up with them. After all, it's inevitable. I'm glad that I've seen things the way it was, and I will keep what I'm seeing now for the future when we reach the peak of development. 

The sky aren't as free as it was, but they're always up there ^^ 

All we need is faith ^^

^^

Well, here I am now in this space. Before the holiday started I made up my mind to write something 

straight after coming back but seemed like I took more time to recover from the long journey. 

As I predicted the year before, it's tougher this year. I was busy making memories with the graduating seniors. Correction, they're more like brothers and sisters to me, to us. I can't imagine how our journey will be next year but I don't want to think about that yet. 

Journey home this year was a lot better than the two rides I had before. It was calm I'd say. But I was awaken at one point. Then I thought of some faces, and that was when the reality really hit me. It felt as if those faces were grabbed away from my sight, and I found myself holding my breath. I guess that's how I really feel all of this time, and that made it hard for me to show it. So I looked out at the sky. The colour were blue, and little bit of orange. Both in a kind of shade that I couldn't describe. Let us just say that they fit each other well? Well, they always did and will always do anyway. Before I forget to mention it, I think they are beautiful. 

If you ask me what I feel right now, I'd say that I'm glad that I'm home right now. But to be very honest, I don't know what I really feel deep deep inside. I know that I'm happy, that I feel better, but nothing solid. I'm also delighted in another way. Of something. Of someone.

                                                                                                                                                                   

This holiday, I think I'm gonna spent hours, days with novels and notebooks and crochets. A mug of hot chocolate or some kind of coffee that won't make me caffeinated too much will make them a good combination. And I hope that I will be showered with ideas and fingers crossed that they come with the enthusiasm to make them a reality. 

I think that is all for this entry and I wish everyone a happy holiday ^^

I'll always miss you

I've seen him at his worst two years ago, when my aunt, his daughter died.

He didn't talk much, but I saw it in his eyes.

I know that he held the most pain, but he had always welcome us

I’ll always remember the way his wrinkled hand felt on my palm.

And now he’s gone too, buried next to his children.

How I wish that I could be there right now,

to let him feel the warmth while he’s still in the house.

How I wish that I could be there right now,

to be with the other.

I know that we’ll smile to each other,

because we are not very good in showing the other side of us.

But isn't that what it’s all about?

To be strong for each other.

I remember how two years ago I was immediately broken as soon as I came back to this place.

This time, I have to stay here.

Unable to give my last respect

He had gone through a lot,

and now he can finally have his rest.

If the heat I feel all around me right now is you hugging me,

then I don’t want you to ever let me go.

Rest in peace, grandpa

I miss you

I found something last night~

Last night, before I sleep,

I talked to God, about you,

I said that I missed you all day,

You were out of sight,

And that I hope you’re doing well.

How many days do I have to go through

Before I can see you come to me?

Holiday never felt this long,

I’m willing to come back as long as you’re right there too.

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I found this in my notebook while I was looking for something. I don’t remember what I was writing for. It seems incomplete. I found it the way it is typed here. I don’t remember if I was writing for someone or was I inspired in the midst of nothingness at that time. No date and venue written, and to think that I’m looking for them in my own notebook, oh. I don’t even remember if I wrote them during the holiday. However, I’m hooked to this again. As if I rediscover my own emotion. It feels, good? It rarely feels so, so I think I’ll just have to write about this. So that when I rediscover this again in the future, I’ll know that I felt good about it, and I should feel the same way again. Maybe I know the truth behind this but I prefer not to be clear about this. Yet.

Reaching out from the mess

I really thought that I can hold myself from writing anything in here before I finish all of my assignments but now here I am writing. 

I'm clueless about my own state right now

I don't know if I'm in air, or liquid or solid state right now.

Today in class we were asked to make acrostic poem using our own names

I wrote mine and I thought that it's clear that I'm already in Christmas mood

I can't wait to see all my relatives.

Temptation and promises

I broke one just now by writing this entry

I almost broke it yesterday when I picked up a novel

and I know that it will never work with crochet

I just hope that I'm not doing too bad.

A pink letter hung on my dashboard

A glance of it each morning

Reminds me of those other things I wish to achieve in the future

As if she's saying that I need to work hard today

So that I'll get closer to them each day.

...I'll bury myself in these...

only after I finish all of my work

Her Engagement Day

...because I couldn't focus in finishing my assignments, I think I better find a good excuse. So here I am. 

This year I had the chance to celebrate Raya with my cousins. I missed it last year but I had no regret because I was joining SYD-3.

This year's Raya was not only Raya for us, but it was also our head cousin's engagement! We were all so excited for her. I guess we're all excited since she is the first among us to get engaged. Her engagement was kinda my experiment. I have to start learning so why don't I start with the closest ones to me right?

The last picture is definitely my favourite. I love the way her happiness reflected through her smile.
 If you notice, the ketupat is quite small. I was getting frustrated because I couldn't find a wide enough leaf to make a normal sized ketupat so I thought why don't I give it a try. Worth it, it looked cute enough in my eyes. Plus, it was my first time doing it. muehehe.
There, I finally wrote something.
Now I better get back to my assignments. Thank you for reading ^^