The Last Picture

Through the viewfinder, I see her settling on the sofa. Something about her bothered me. She wanted this and she won’t take my no. This could be her last, she said. And she wanted me to take the last one. Her condition is that bad already?

“You know what your strength is? The picture you take, perfect from the first shot,” then she rested her head.

 “There’s no need to whisper Marilyn, it’s only us here,” I didn’t know.

 Her gaze denied the truth. She was looking outside, calm, and she was smiling.

 Snap.

She didn’t turn around as always.

Tower of thoughts

I tried to give a meaning to this picture 

and those lines are the thoughts that came into my mind

February Challenge ~ 2nd

Second challenge requires me to create a poem or a haiku. Though I love haiku so much, I'll go with poem.

 I hope it does look like a poem :)

It was like being alone

and aware of someone's presence.

Curiosity grows stronger 

as bond gets deeper.

Then time of revelation came

and the rest of it were spent to fully accept

and to truly appreciate what He had planned for me.

I'm glad that I didn't fail to see it

because the way I see it now

It was lovely

February Challenge ~ 1st

I fell asleep last night so this post stayed in the draft section last night. But I still look forward to this challenge so here it is.

So this is the third picture I found last night. According to the challenge, the third picture is suppose to be the metaphor of my love life. I had some time to think and I'm beginning to see how they can be related.

You have to dare to open your eyes, and see the world for yourself. You can only truly appreciate what you have when you already see the true value of it. In this case, your special one. And nothing in this world is solid. So when things don't appear the way you want, don't let your disappointment stay for a long time. Have faith in everything and He will decide what is the best thing for you two.

So far, that's the only thing I can think of from the picture. I'll make more reflection on it later on :)

and I found another

Closing my eyes trying to sleep,

Emptying my mind trying to forget you,

You've been on my mind all day,

Let me not think about you at night.

I don’t want to dream, because dream will end,

I don’t mind a dreamless sleep,

For I know that I’ll have the real dream with open eyes,

For I know that it won’t end unless …unless

~found this in my foundation’s notebook~

After that talk, I can’t seem to focus on anything else today. This heart is beating in a strange way. A few months ago, I might think that I’m dying. I still do sometimes. But now things had seemed to become clearer to me.

…I’ve been deleting those words. 

Oh. I've kept giving myself reasons but I guess from now on, I’ll try to depend on His timing.

Too Late

The moment I've been waiting for is finally tomorrow. I’ll tell her, that I still love her.

                She is probably inside, with the other, working on another theater. She is probably among the most senior in the group. The fact that she has gained her degree and got a job does not stop her from doing what she like the most. I questioned her before, why didn't she study art if that’s what she like the most. Her answer startled me. Her parents wanted her to have an office job, where it’s comfortable, you’ll be protected under the roof and you won’t suffer from working all day under the sun. So she went for it. And those years spent studying what she think will complete her life, brought her to this group. They were walking around, looking for ideas. That was when they came across an audition. The bright poster made her walk into the building and sign up for the audition. She did everything she was told to. While she auditioned, her friends’ jaw dropped, the judges too. But I was mesmerized in a way I won’t be able to explain. The way she transformed into a fair maiden, and return to her actual self. I won’t be able to forget that day. A voice whispered to me, and though I’m not sure did I hear it for real or was it my imagination, I heard a voice said, that’s her, yours. Mine.

                The first person I met in the room was Harry. He is the senior in the group too. I haven’t seen him in a year so we were both surprised to see how we have changed. It seems like his habit of going to the gym had done wonders toward him. He is no longer that skinny, tall, four eyed guy. I bet if he got those six packs he dreamed off under his shirt now. Good for him. As for me, I still look the same I guess. I did nothing much since last year except learning how to be a student again. Worth it I guess. I got that master in my hand right now and I’m sure I’ll be able to do more with our group. Well, if they still count me as one of them. I sure hope they do. I sure hope that she does.

                As I peeked into the girls’ dressing room, I look for one familiar face. The room is empty but I know that someone is still in there. When I see her, she will be either reading or drawing her ideas for the costumes. It has always been like that. She will be here, even when there is no show, no practice, and no other businesses to be done. So I stepped into the room. One step, two steps, three steps. There she is. She had her book in her hands, a few dresses on her lap and a mug of hot chocolate drink on her table next to her. The dim light reflected on the ring in her hand. She lifted her head slowly. That look on her face, when she saw it was me, who was standing on front of her. I hope I didn't shock her too much.

                She had worn a few different rings before, and she bought them all. She wears them just for fun, just because she loves all those designs. No doubt that the one she is wearing right now is just one of her collections.  But unfortunately, I doubt that doubt. If I’m not mistaken, I saw her lips tremble. Her eyes locked at mine. That brown eyes, beautifully framed by her eyelashes. As our eyes meet, I started to gather all the courage to ask her that question. My legs feel weak! Too weak that I know I can’t stand for long. I walked slowly and rest my legs when I finally sit next to her. Slowly, I opened my numb jaw.

                “How are you?” I think my lips tremble, but I hope I look cool in front of her.

                She lifted both of her shoulders, smiled and says “You see me now.”

                I wanted to get closer but I reached for her hands instead, and filled in my fingers in between hers. It feels so warm, the way it has always been. And instantly, her smile feels warmer too.

                There’s just something about the ring on her finger. It’s like I've seen it before. It’s like… and suddenly my eyes are wide open. Please don’t, please, please tell me that I’m wrong. Tell me I didn't saw the same diamond on Harry’s finger just now.

                I brought her hands closer to my face. My eyes shifted from her eyes, then to the ring and then to her eyes again. Our eyes did the talking. My heart crumbled a few moments later. Two drops of tears fall running down her cheeks as she nodded. I keep looking at her as she pulled her hands away. The only sound I hear for the next few moments is her sob.

                Ten minutes later, I was already outside the building. Slowly, I got into the car, but then I hit the gas as hard as I can. Driving the car home, I wished I’d lose control but I arrived home safely. And when I opened the front door, I stepped onto an invitation. That was when my tears fall. I cried as I laid my back on the back of the door.

                This feeling in my heart, the heat I feel on my face, the cold sweat behind my neck, the way my arms shiver, how I can’t feel my legs. My evening ended perfectly terrible.

                She have made her choice, therefore I shall let her go her own way. The sun is not up yet and the plane is still a few hours ahead but I’m already at her doorstep. Of course I won’t knock; I’m not that cruel to ruin her most meaningful day. Though, I really wanted to do so. And I stood there feeling helpless. Staring at the wooden door, I imagine her slowly come out, in white dress, and she draws that sweet smile on her face.

                In front of this door, I asked her out for the first time. On our third date, she let me hug her for the first time. I used to wait for her all night, just to clear that little misunderstanding. So many things happened, and I wouldn't mind going through it all over again. I hold my breath as I put down the blue box and envelope that I've brought. I can’t afford to see her again. Not when I know that I can’t make her mine anymore.

I as walked away, I look up at the sky. I should start a new life, but not today. Let me reminisce the time I had with her, and the future that I wasn't able to make a reality. I’m not sure if I’ll ever move on, but let me think of her today… I promise that there’ll be an end, but it is surely not today.

The Wind Blows

The weather were just calming down

So there I was, taking a walk

Everything seems fine, the colours were all soft

And how stupid I was, to stay outside for too long

In the middle of the field I stood

Smiling as a feeling of peace sneaked into my soul

A swirl of air formed, but I can barely see it

And without my consciousness

The wind blows

Startled, I said nothing

But I stood there, not knowing what to do

I've come so far to feel this way

But now that the wind blows

I can never forget how it made me feels.

Reminiscing the good old days ...

~ had a lot of fun with her ~

we decided to write something tonight

We were laughing when we started talking about the good old days. We never get bored no matter how many times we repeat the stories. 

She told me hers, so now I'm writing about mine...

The one I think I remember the most

Afternoon. It was math class. I was in the same group with him. I don't remember what we were learning about but I remember that few seconds. 

The teacher told us to mark a few pages. Somehow I missed the pages she mentioned. So I asked him, who were sitting next to me. He could have just tell me which page to mark. Instead, 

he guided my hand. 

It happened too fast, with all the noises as a background, I blushed a little and said, thank you. Or was it something else?

I packed my things up and returned to my original place since math class was over. 

Until now, I still remember what I felt that afternoon. 

Though I actually took some times to figure that out. 

and there were other times ...

When we finally talk after the long silence.

I saw him kinda slowing down his pace. I too did the same. Probably because I didn't have to rush to the gate. 

Then, they were only us, walking together as if nothing had happened between us. 

If I still remember, we were talking something about modern ways of communication. ngehhh

Time slowed down. 

Yes, I actually felt that. 

I have never had the same feeling after that day. 

... and that was the last time we ever talked to each other. 

I mean having a real conversation. 

other times...oh sure!

The stairs...

When I almost fall from the stairs, but that was fun ^^

When I walk with her on my way back home, though we were only able to do that for a few months.

When I humiliate myself by.... oh I'll leave that alone. Too humiliating :p

I can't write all of them here, as I plan to keep some of it untold. 

Reminiscing the past is always my favourite thing to do. Often I do it alone, but it was more fun today, as I have someone to laugh with : )

earlier this year ...

My 2013 January was really great. I was able to feel something that I rarely let myself get carried away with. It was something related to my faith. God answered my prayer in a beautiful way. I almost didn't believe it. It took me a month to fully accept it. 

I can never forget the words I uttered so suddenly in my heart that evenings. I can never forget the feeling I felt that night. Most importantly, I can't forget the way He works. The way He made everything so perfect and beautiful. 

I kept saying thank you and thank you and I'll be saying that every time I'm remembered of those days. 

Thank you, God.

I like to see him in red

I like to see him in red

He was in the red team

I was in the blue team

Watching him from the other side.

I wish him victory

But I can’t let my team down

So I’ll just watch him from the other side

And I like to see him in red.

I passed by the basketball court this morning

And suddenly his shadow appeared

All of those memories rushed out from their hiding

Made me realize once more that I love you.

I love you for who you are

It’s not the colour that you wear

It’s only a part of it

I love your awful voice when you sing

I love your blushing cheek when you’re shy and

I love your bad handwriting on my paper.

~I thought that it would be nice to start this February with some of my first lovey dovey poem~

~I don't even remember when it was written~

Inspired blog: Stop searching for a while

I am inspired to write this blog because of someone but this goes to all of us and I hope that person get to read this too

When you are too desperate for that attentions and love

When you can't accept that you are the only one without someone to go to

When you are giving up at looking for someone you can label as special in your heart

When you finally lie down and let your eyes closed...

Think of all the things you are able to do alone

Think of the joy you had mixing up with your friends

Think of the places you are comfortable to be at

Think of the plan God is writing for you.

He is not done yet

That might be the reason you haven't found one yet

Let Him handle everything

For He will glad to.

Sometimes the reason you haven't found one yet is

 you are busy looking around and the other person is doing the same

You ended up heading to different directions 

And the chances for you to meet each other is getting thinner.

Someone needs to stop searching for a while

Let the other person find you.

I hope I'm not exaggerating with my thoughts here, this is a very honest opinion and I hope that person can take it as an advise. I hope that I've inspire other persons too.

Now take a deep breath and smile.

My passion for camera

             I was starting to give up on taking pictures because I felt like I've lost my passion in camera. Something about the feeling of not being in the picture bothered me a lot. It took me awhile to gain my missing passion. Last semester I think the pictures I took didn't reach the amount of pictures I would have took. Maybe this is a little exaggerating but it was a pain my chest when I realized that I wasn't as eager as before.
             The mid-year holiday was a great-escape from study and everything that has been blocking me from  being what I want. At home my sister was the one who used the camera a lot. I wanted to be really free at home. Last week of the holiday, I helped my sister to get her picture processed in the shop. My eyes captured the blue and green small boxes containing film in it. Suddenly I remembered my purple camera at home. I posted about it when I first got it. Click here to see it :)

            So I decided to get one of it. I purchased the the one with 36 film. I wanted the one with only 12 but since they ran out of stock I guess that one will do. The funny thing is I didn't set it up in the camera until the next day when I'm in the airport. I watched the video on how to load and unload the camera like thousand times. To think it back once will do but that's just me. When I really like what I'm doing, I'll try to make it the best. That wasn't the first time actually. I did used the camera before but it was late in the afternoon and the camera don't work well with gloomy exposure, so the picture didn't turned out to be good. That's a problem working with totally manual camera. But that also make working with it interesting. That was when I know that I'm gaining my passion again.

           Turned out that I'm not the only one in here that have that much interest in this kind of camera. I will be searching for more information on Lomography. I'll bet I can spend hours googling about it. This Saturday I'm actually going to have the film processed and I hope it will turned out well. fingercrossed! Next week our class will be having a trip and wow that is a opportunity for me to use the camera again. Not that the timing to use the camera is limited, I don't want to waste my film taking random pictures. I think it's better to use the digital camera for something random and everyday-ish that way you can delete it in case it looks ugly >.< ngehe

So these are the pictures I found in google image

This one is already mine, you know the story of it if you have read the post I've linked ;)

            You can see that one of the attraction of lomo camera is the look. But the main thing is the effect of this camera on the pictures. There are very beautiful if you already mastered the skills, which I am learning right now. I'm thinking of looking for the simplest lomo camera for now since getting the other is quite impossible, I'm just a student. Moreover, if you want a better picture it's good if you have the accessories which will require more money. I'll be getting them later, maybe in he future? Hhe, in this entry I focused on the camera only so if you want to see pictures taken by lomo camera just google it.  

I can finally say...

 I've gained my passion back

He will answer

I can't help but typing it all here,

I've been thinking of it all the time without even realize it.

She said that when I meet that special one,

He will make me accept the way I am now,

He will make me forgot the terrible feelings and situations that I had before,

He will lead me to the future in faith.

I will fall for him the way I should.

In that very short time conversation,

She told me how she have changed.

She told me how God have answered her prayers,

That was when I know where did she get her happiness.

I didn't pray for that.

All I did was just avoiding things.

I kept convincing myself that I did the right thing.

The truth is, I've been doing it the wrong way.

So right now I'll be waiting for that moment.

God have answered her prayer,

I believe that He will answer mine too.

Amen.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

Happy Mother's to all mothers. 

Thank you God for giving us a woman to love and to be loved by. Bless her and give her strength. Smiles be her best accessory and her hugs be the most comfort place to be.

it was there

When you ask me that question

It actually hurt me a bit

Of course I gave the kind of answer I gave to everyone

Still, it hurt to be in a situation where I end up being reminded of the past 

You and Him

You and him are just friend

You and him are going to develop that feelings

I dare to say that because I've been in that situation

I was unlucky to have that moments with someone I'll be forbidden to be with

You and him can still work those things 

#iknowthisisnoneofmybusinessbutican'thelpnoticingyoutwoandthememoriesihad