last entry

Words.

It was words that I fell for. In the end, it was words that broke my heart.

(Lang Leav)

...

I spent my time writing until I couldn't write anything anymore. 

Back then I thought that reading what I wrote could make me feel alive once more. I thought I would like the nostalgia of the old days, greenish images, movie like adventures. However I was wrong. 

I was very very wrong. 

I couldn't read a single thing without regretting. 

I couldn't read without wishing for a time machine to be invented. Without wishing that I could beat some sense into my sixteen-year-old self. Perhaps a younger me. 

A thirteen-year-old me.

"Stop trying to fit in, you never will and you're never meant for it anyway. You're hurting your wanderer soul."

Have you accepted your soul sooner, you wouldn't need to face the heaviness from the things that you keep holding on without letting go.

...

.

Things I wished I could've said to my younger self

.

You have no obligation to feel everything so deeply for other people. 

You can say no when you don't want to, even if it hurt them. They can keep their burden to themselves, it's theirs to settle, you don't have to take them in.

You shouldn't regret your existence. 

The universe didn't create you by accident. The Lord didn't make you without purpose. No matter how lost or how useless you feel, you'll find a purpose in life. You'll find something you love doing and you will find someone who you can come home to. You belong in this world.

You are loved, Mandy.

You may not be able to give back all the love you receive in your life, but you can love all those that you can.

The world is like that, Mandy. It's meant to be like that.

.

.

.

The One Thing.

Look at you. You've stitched your life so perfectly together. You work so damn hard to get to where you are, and now have everything you ever wanted. So why do you keep looking back at the one thing that can undo it all?

(Lang Leav)

.

.

.

...

I have given too much excuses.

This space must come to an end. Perhaps I'll be writing again in the future but I'll make sure that I don't write excuses anymore.

I thought I was trying to rationalize things that I could see. 

It's ok Mandy, it's meant to be like that. It's okay Mandy, heartache aren't going to last forever. It's okay Mandy, you'll be okay, they deserve it. However deep down I know that heartache are going to last if I don't put things to an end and not everyone deserve to feel down just because they couldn't figure out what I truly feel inside. 

I've concealed so much of me. 

I buried everything under layers and layers of skin and I expect people to see right through it. I expect people to see through my eyes and see how little I talk about what's inside my heart and brain. 

How ironic of me.

I shall care about the right things. 

It doesn't matter what I have for dinner, but who I'm having dinner with. It doesn't matter where I'm going back to, but who I'm coming home too. It doesn't matter how uncertain I am about my future, but who my future is. No more worrying about how tomorrow will go, but who I'm walking through it with.

There shall be no excuses anymore. 

I shall live.

...

        Back then, I thought I would be delighted to find my old notebooks and exam papers. Not so much on the exam paper but back then I thought I'd like to see it again. 

Who knew I'll be hesitating to even touch and open them now. 

Back then, I thought spilling every thoughts on the papers would help me see what kind of person I was back then.

However, I forgot that people change; I changed, inevitably, and I changed into someone who keep looking back without acknowledging what I went through. 

There are too many parts I wish to erase from my memory together. If my life could be described as one long roads that leads me to where I am no, I'd go back to dim or maybe break the lights at the parts I no longer want to see.

But then, if by God's grace I'll be able to walk some more, when I look back, what would I feel when I see those dark patches. Will I be able to handle the what ifs?

February 2009

I lost someone close for the first time.
I attended funerals before, heard about someone losing their dear families or friends, but never the ones I love the most.

When it happened, I just knew it. Well, I usually notice when the mood in the air changes and that particular night when I heard his voice talking to someone on the phone, my body went numb, even before I heard the whole thing. He was talking in Dusun and it was very clear in my ears, as if the words were thrown at me. I heard it, and I remember the 'nothing' feeling. It almost feel like I was going deaf.

Then she came into the kitchen, where I was doing something. She simply asked if I already know it. I replied with a simple 'emm'.

---
That particular year, I realized that we are thinking that everyone will be around forever.
---
I still think like that after we recovered from our lost. The first lost of someone close to me.
And two years later it was like being thrown to the ground so hard that I couldn't grasp to the situation I was in.

Someone even closer to me had just passed away.
I kept  thinking, to keep myself from being eaten by the situation. I succeeded for a short amount of time.
The moment people start leaving the grave, I felt the sudden grip in my chest. I didn't want to leave yet. She needs company. That was what I was thinking.

I was all too sudden. I came home and she was healthy when we came over. Then it happened.

It was too fast.

I remember thinking that I knew, I knew that something like that will happen, because I knew how her body works, but I didn't know that it would be too soon.

I took a long time trying to accept our lost.

I still want to write. I know because I still find myself thinking deeply all the time. I think deeply that refuse to let others into my thoughts. In my thoughts the most important to me is my point of views. I'm only a girl in my mid twenties who are never sure about anything. I look for place to write all the time. The irony is, I buy a lot of notebooks and I never ended up writing my thoughts in there anymore. 

and of course, we've never told everything...
we've always decided to leave something out

Happy New Year 2018!

I always think of driving as a way to describe how I see my life.
A few days ago I was driving manual when suddenly I was imagining describing my method of controlling the car to other people. I couldn't remember what the middle stick was supposed to do. To my surprise, that didn't surprise me. I was more surprised at the fact that I wasn't surprised. Calmly I think that I going to know what to do with the sticks when I need to change the gear.
I drive auto cars a lot these days. Everyone seems to prefer them these days. Even I think of getting an auto one if I ever buy a car. I prefer the manual but my feet doesn't seem to be cooperating well like the way they used to. It would be bad to get cramped foot while driving. p.s I already went through that.

My main points are...
I'll know what to do when the time comes. Sometimes our life gets easier and that is the time when we switched to auto because everything seems to be working out well by themselves.
However, sometimes we have to manually get our feet to work because things won't simply poof out of nowhere for us. And that's okay. Both modes are good.

Whatever you're doing

wherever you're going

whichever mode you're on

you're going to be fine.

Strong in a weak way. Weak in a strong way.

 Which one are you?

...to make something mine

The road looked suddenly familiar tonight.

When I lived in the corner room, I can always see the junction. It looked the same tonight. 

In this darkness, it almost felt the same.

May our journey be a beautiful one. Beautiful in Your way.

...

I can't be the only one who dread as I reach another milestone. 

As a child I thought about all the things I'll do when I'm finally an adult with my own money and when I'm granted responsibility for my own life. However, as I grew up and the curtains drew one by one, I, we, began to see life in new lights from new perspectives. 

and the truth is

...

...the truth is we welcome adulthood with tears.

tears of sorrow instead of happiness for everything that we're leaving behind in order to walk into our future.

 It took me 20 years to realize the truth I already knew

I haven't write anything for a long time.

 Not that there's anything I have to say anyway.

 If I happen to be writing anything at all (which I did), it weren't complete. 

I'm not not okay with it. I welcome the break. 

...

I have to say though,  that it's both a blessing and curse to not write. I don't have to pick what I want to remember, but I thought of the gem expiring before I even want to look at it. 

Something that bothers me....

This is something that I need to write, to let it off my chest and to make other people think.

I hate it when people say well I guess hate is a strong word

" What are you worrying for, you have parents who can provide you. They're both working."

You know, the town where I live is not a big town, but it is not small enough for us to avoid paying for gas, water, electricity and etc. I have four sisters and they're studying across the sea.

I'm lucky, indeed, because I'm provided with allowance. My sisters however have to depend solely on my parents. Their living expenses are even higher than mine.

I receive my allowance. I can try to minimize my use of money, and I can even pick the cheapest route to go home, by bus. My sisters have no other choices, they need to get on the plane to get home.

Students know how hard it is to maintain a sane lifestyle with limited amount of money. So don't you dare say that I don't need to worry.

I am not the only child to be fed.

Maybe, maybe people just don't understand that I'm trying to learn managing my money from now on. I'm trying to create a balance in my wants and my needs. If it still work and it doesn't cause me any problem, then why should I get a new one?

Unless I'm starving myself to death, you shouldn't be saying things like that to me.

I eat, a lot more than you think.

...

For the first time, I didn't feel too bad about changing my path. After all, I should leave the job to those who actually care.

...

...

I have not been a morning person for a while. In fact I have never been a serious morning person. I wake up early when my body knows that I need to, but on holidays my morning's when the sun is at its peak. Six am is the earliest I can set my body during the holiday. 

The pictures in this post were taken from the roof top of the Holy Trinity Church's new building. It was such a beautiful sunrise that I question myself why am I holding a camera on a great morning instead of enjoying it? But I guess, I'm learning how to enjoy things while capturing them. The experience itself was amazing. I was amazed that I woke up just in time for the sunrise!

I just noticed that the picture up there is a little slanted. Oh well. Let's that be a reminder for me to practice more. 

The place where I took this picture will be the highest point of the Sabah Youth Day 4 venue which is, Holy Trinity Church, Tawau. The participants might not be able to see this view as we can't go to the rooftop unless we are the main organizer but I hope that people can see why some of us chose to be part of the team behind the preparation. We might not do much, we might not understand well, but we did it sincerely. 

The last SYD gave me a great experience, and I hope this coming SYD will be a memorable experience for all of us.

...

Despite everything, I don't regret what had happened. I don't regret making friends with her or him. I don't regret doing this and that for them. I don't regret the time I shared my most dangerous secret to her. I don't regret being mad as a result. 

I know that what I felt was real. I did what I did because I wanted to, because. Well. 

I knew that in the future I'm going to dislike most part of my past and I knew that I'm gonna mess up even more as I grow up, but I know that I am not regretting the things that I did and went through. 

Yeah, some of it was rough and I remember clearly considering to just use the short cut but I'm glad that I wasn't too stupid. 

I'm glad that I went through those things.

Let people be//////Let it happen, naturally

I have to remind myself all the times that I am a completely different person than the rest of 7 billion people covering the earth. I don't even know if I get it right. The point here is I'm different from any of them. Something about human nature might shows us doing and having the same thoughts but no hearts and no brains are exactly the same.

It's normal for us to feel out of place to feel   .....

That was written a few days ago when I'm writing this very sentence you're reading. I have my maybe latest opinion now, maybe that's what I should call it. These words that I'm going to type is what I want to say right now but it doesn't feel right to delete my earlier thoughts. They're still related.

"We are too focused on making this world a better place by changing the people around us; changing them into something that we thought are going to make this world better. Truth is, there are over 7 billion people living on this earth and our minds work differently. When 7 billion people are starting to change the world with their mind alone, there are going to be 7 billion causes of chaos. You see, the start of a war can come from one small soul. Imagine 7 billion people; we'll lose our earth."

I'm not being pessimist about making changes. Changes happens over times. It's natural. It has to happen. So let it be natural. How does the natural things work here? Well, it will happen naturally.

Personally, I have faith that prayer helps. it helps me to be natural in the way I'm supposed to be.

p.s I might have ignored my grammar. forgive me.

...

I might be unlucky, but it could mean that I didn't try harder. Still, I wouldn't lie about the path I chose. 

As I secured my way on the path I chose, I thought that one day I'll grow to love what I'm going to receive. I know well about that path, I didn't know what I would feel about it. 

It doesn't feel right to walk away now, but staying doesn't make me feel any better. 

Sometimes I hate my sense of logic. 

It's like I've been dragging myself, or rather being dragged by the whole situation.

Well, maybe I just didn't try harder, but there's something about my sense of logic.

How can I compete for something that I am not passionate about at all?

I saw a few opening clearly in the beginning, and only shadows for the rest.
Perhaps I really should've made my own.

...

To be able to feel is both a blessing and torture, because you are not allowed to choose what you feel. You might choose how to react, or how you should feel. But. Admit it, in that split second when you decide how to feel, how to react, well, according to our nature, you do feel the real thing.

_______________________________________

After 3 years we were finally sent to school. I guess I was doing well. I guess. Even after preparing myself, I still find myself barely stepping into the reality. I thought that it will come naturally but it didn't. Maybe I'm still unable to feel it but for now it just feels like alien to me.
When we gather, I can see that most of them talked about it sincerely. Well, not that I wasn't sincere, but it somehow wasn't enough for me. I want to really feel it! I want to make things better because of my own will. Not just for the sake of getting high marks. Even though I reminded myself to not treat them like a bunch of experiment dolls, I feel like that's exactly what I am doing right now.
I feel bad because I don't think that I will have the same joy if they ever come to me with big grins and their high-pitched voice.
I really did try. I hope I just need more time. It's been a long time since I made up my mind to not get attached easily. That determination was too strong, maybe. But I hope that I will be able to soften at least a small part of my heart for the future little humans.

__________________________

The rules of the world told us that we have no right to judge other people. Whatever they do is their own journey. A journey that we can never understand because we will never walk in their shoes. But we do deserve to choose our own feeling. What we are going to do when those feelings start to grab hour heart tighter. Tighter and tighter every passing moment. Have you ever wandered, is it wrong to keep those feelings? Is it wrong to feel the emotion? Is wrong to admit that those emotions are killing us? Things are intertwined somehow, among us. There are no perfect words or ways to explain that but deep in our heart we know. Most people know it very well, what they should do. I think I do too, but sometimes this kind of questions just haunt me to the point where I question why own stand. Sometimes you just keep saying that you're not in the same shoes as them, but you'll feel like saying they aren't in the same shoes as you too.