5 years ago....

It was almost 12 p.m. I was walking with Angel, heading towards the school. We were two form 1 students who were eager to go to school everyday. Maybe because homework weren't given too much yet. The lessons were not complicated yet. But for me, there were one more reason.


Me: Help me today, Angel.
Angel: Okay, help you with what?


I grinned shyly a little. Then told her my plan. She will have to go to my classmate, and tell him that I like him. She must do it without telling me when she is going to tell him, to make it look natural. She will tell him that I know nothing about she telling him my feeling.
I thought that I must tell him, so that I won't regret it later. Though I did not sure how will it be, when he finally knows. Will I say yes if he want a relationship? Will we stay quiet about it and be good friends, just like our recent relationship? What if daddy finds out about it? Or what if mommy finds out about it? She teach our class! seriously I didn't know what gave me courage to proceed with the plan.


In the class, I went through the day like usual. Angel too. I didn't know why but when I think again about my plan I felt some discomfort in my heart. I look at Angel who was with another classmate, and I suddenly hope that she forgot about the plan. It was too late to suddenly pull her out of the class and cancel the plan. Thinking back about it now, I can actually do so but I was so dumb. Maybe if I did so, I won't have to face the consequences.


Almost 6 p.m and we walked home from school. I used the courage that I began to accumulate since the last bell to ask her.


Me: Angel, you didn't tell him. Right?
Angel: I did.


At that time my heart weakened. She did. She really did told him. Oh my God, I'm so stupid! Why didn't I think properly? What will happen next? How am I going to face him tomorrow? and the day after tomorrow, and the day after the day after tomorrow? It was so...


As I said bye to her that evening, my heart starting to get weaker. To go home knowing that I know I did something that I shouldn't. Maybe it's normal to others. But it's kinda not okay with me. I made a vow to myself, to never be in relationship before SPM. Plus, he is not someone I should be with.


That night I sleep thinking about every possibility that might happen the next day. Or maybe later on. How are we going to face each other.


I don't really remember the next day, but what I know is everything went through as usual. Except for the last day of school, before the mid-term holiday.


There were no teacher entering the class, and everyone was super excited for holiday. He gave something. It was a manila card, cut and glued to make a cylinder shape. I know that there must be something in it. Written there, open only when it's 6 p.m. And one more things written, 'It's bomb'. I laughed and make the dumb face. Something is going to happen, I knew. But I sill feel the excitement to open what he gave me.


As soon as I reached home, I put all my belongings in my room. Then I headed to the side of my home. It wasn't 6 p.m yet so I decided to enjoy the sunset. Thought that it was so beautiful. I like the colour of the sky when it is sunset. When it was finally 6 p.m, I open the gift ( should I call it so? oh well...) I open the cylindrical shaped manila card.


I found a kind of digital watch, grey, with smiley face. A  letter was in it too. My heart started to beat faster when I'm reading the letter.
I don't have the letter anymore but in that letter, he asked me. Do you really like me? Angel told me that you like me. That was the only clear question that I remember. Because you what? After I read the letter, I became too happy, and then too afraid. That threw away the letter. Afraid that daddy might finds about it. That night, I tried so hard to forget about it. But the next day I still think about it.


When holidays over, I went to school again. (Of course, I can't escape right?) But when I enter the class, I didn't greet him. We never talked to each other again. I mean like we used to be. The matter were kept quiet until now.


****

Thinking about it now, I was just a girl who knew nothing about love. Sometime I laugh, sometime I cry, sometime I confused when I rethink about it. What was my feeling? I myself can't be sure. 

****

What I know now is, he was the first one.  I like it when he's laughing, I like it when he's serious, I like it when he's shy. He wasn't the intelligent one. His handwriting was worse than mine. He was not the type guy a girl wants, but he was the first one. 

I learn the do's and don'ts in love in terrible ways. 

****

That was 5 years ago...

Now I should learn how to love...and maybe find a new one