Break up

That day when I saw a comment of a picture in facebook, I know something was going to happen. A picture of girl, wearing a graduation gown standing next to her guy friend, wearing a look alike graduation gown. Even before that, I've sensed something from the posts and comments. I started to observe him, whenever I can, without him knowing I'm around. The guy who owned the heart of the girl in the picture. I cleared my mind, try to not thinking about them. It's none of my business! But I figured out that it won't be wrong to just think about it, the girl is also my cousin anyway. Though she's way older than me, we get along well.

I was in primary school when I first saw him, I hadn't had any thought of him yet. I was in my very own world. I know him better when I started secondary school. It was because, that was the time when he started to be around her all the time when they came to Keningau during holiday. I didn't remember what was my feeling. Was I jealous my cousin was not mind all the time anymore, or was I happy because she brought a new family member. Every Christmas, when my cousin and her sisters came, he''l be with them. When we were cooking for Christmas dinner, he'll be helping to fry the chicken wings. Everything, seems okay. I almost look up to him. And it actually took years for only the "almost". But I always remember what my friend have told me, he may look nice, act kindly, and do everything good, but you'll never know what he's truly are inside. She's right!

Then one day, I logged in to facebook. Saw this long post my cousin posted. The first thing I thought was, so it really happen? I read it. I think I saw his post to too but I just took a glance on it. I've read my cousin's so I don't need to know about more from the other side. What did I do? Nothing, I read it again then started to do what I needed to do in facebook. I talked nothing about. After a few days, or was it weeks?, my sister woke me up late at night, to read my cousin's message, with my sleepy face, I tell her that I've known it and went back to sleep. I took only few seconds to fall asleep, but in that very little moments, I still manage to say something to myself. So, they finally know it. Without me having to tell them about that post.

Life goes on. I never talked about it unless my sister said something. Time by time, my cousins opened up little by little. She told us what she was heart ache for. And we the other cousins, started to gain strength to tell her what actually we've been thinking about him. She seems to be agree with us. Even my cousins, who never really talked about him got mad when she told us what was the ex's comments about.... I was calm when we were talking but inside of me, there were a of thing I were thinking.

Early of this month, my cousin, the sister of my "cousin" I've talked about in the previous paragraph, broke up with her boyfriend. When I know that, I was thinking that maybe that was the the reason I've never been able to think of something to fix the song I've been writing for her. And even before that, I felt uneasy about them. I keep hoping that they're fine.

Recently in facebook, this girl start to post more than before about her feeling. There we're days when this guy updated his status so often. It was weird because he had lazy to update his status. Then I started to realize that their post post kind of relate to each other's. That was time time I realized that they have problem. He just confessed it an hour ago, before I started to write this blog. It was one of the reasons I decided to let these all out in this blog.


It's their problem right? But I can't help thinking about it! It keep me from doing one thing. It kept from thinking about being in relationship.  It keep make me feel like life is better without someone else. When I start to have crush on someone, all these things will attack my mind. I'll still be crushing, but I'll never do anything about it.

The word break up
is very strong to me.
Even if I'm not the one whose being in it, I'll still be affected by it.
I hope that I will be strong
When the day I finally decide to be in relationship
I hope that I'll be able to face anything....

Mandy's talk: Reality show

So this time I'll talk about reality shows.

I've seen people keep wanting to join AF. For me if you have talent, your voice is good, you have the package, why not? But one thing that always annoys me, if they fail to get in they'll be too upset as if they don't have reason to live anymore! I think it's still okay here but I've seen in other places where people expressed their disappointment in negative way. Hey, you think by throwing those rude words the judges will call you back in and declare you as a participant? No! You're warning other people that you're not someone to be friend with. (sorry, I think I'm so in this)

Furthermore, you don't need that to show your talent! Be creative! There's youtube, blog, facebook! And you need to figure out what your talent meant to be done with. Sometimes talent are made to be shared with the world and sometimes it meant to stay with you. I mean like, to share with your family and friends. 

Think about it.

I think that is all I can say for now. Feels good to finally let them out.

I have a smile on my face! :)

I'm still happy with the result! Yes I got it!

Hohoho, I'm still exited!

So, I already start the preparation. I'll only leave next month but the preparation is a lot of work. Need to get MC and everything. Wow, I never thought I'll need that!

Nampaknya tidaklah saya join dua orang kazen saya di matrix. 

Kepada Nado and Clarence, goodluck ok! Wish you guys the best!

geez~ I always thought that you guys will be my bodyguard at Labuan. perasannyer!

sedih jugalah tidak sempat jalan-jalan sama kamurang, itu pula yang diingat.

So, yeah. I ada tugasan dari kazen I. wah! ber I I.

Going to make a song for her! And this is a second song.

Lagu yang pertama, okeylah for me. Saya memang tidak puas hati. Maybe it's deja vu. I tried to fix the song and I can't. They're not together anymore so that was it I thought. I can't seem to fix that song and maybe I will never fix it. 

Jadi sekarang second song, her idea, my way!

Lol, I like that!

next blog will be about mau juga!

rasanya tentang Akademi Fantasia dan rancangan realiti tv lain yang lebih kurang serupa.

tiba-tiba nih! kan? I just think that I have this idea and people should know about it! 

So wait for it!

Hmm, so where is my next destination?
Most of my friends already in form 6.
I'm still finger crossing for the upcoming result this Saturday. I really hope for it!
I'm not really exited to go to Labuan, lainlah kalau pg enjoy!
I think I can have heart attack anytime =.=

Well, when my friends go to form 6, I was a little jealous.
It's not about the things they're going study.
It's about being with them again. To be their classmate again. To feel how school life is again.
Anyway, God decide that I should take different path.
And I can always take sneak peek on what they're up to!


mari saya share satu video yang saya jumpa di satu blog.

saya tidak tau pun kumpulan Gula gula tu. Search la sendiri. Tapi video ini sangat menarik hati saya. Adalah benda yang boleh digunapakai kan?

busy with this and that

feels like I haven't blogging for ages!
Too busy and when I finally have times I'll be too tired. fuu....
Still waiting for reply from ....

Recently my cousins and we had a lot of fun!
Sampau saja Keningau trus plan mau jalan.
Go shopping with them! hehehe...

habis idea sudah saya...x tau lagi apa yang mau diblogkan. tunggu saya ada idea okey!

macam best..ikutlah

ABC About You Questions:

A - AVAILABLE : nope 

B - BIRTHDAY: 15 December 1993

C - CRUSHING ON : that guy?

D - DRINK YOU LAST HAD : sky juice

E - EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO : myself? hee~ my sis though I don't tell her everything

F - FAVORITE SONG :  emm, a lot..

G - GUMMY BEARS OR GUMMY WORMS: gummy bears?

H - HOMETOWN: Keningau

I - IN LOVE WITH: don't we have to love everyone?

J - JUGGLE : ..no

K - KILLED SOMEONE: every time I write a story...is that count?

L - LONGEST CAR RIDE: idr...

M- MILKSHAKE FLAVOR : must be chocolate or strawberry

N - NUMBER OF SIBLINGS : 5

O - ONE WISH : I will live a good life

P - PERSON YOU CALLED LAST: idr...lol

R- REASON TO SMILE : if my heart is not happy, at least my face are

S - SONG YOU LAST HEARD : Faizal Tahir's song... played on tv 

T - TIME YOU WOKE UP : 7.00 am

V - VEGETABLE(S) : cabbage, chinese cabbage, cauliflower and....more..

W - WORST HABIT : so far it is about taking care of my hp...

X - X-RAYS YOU HAD : my right arm twice...ketaralah nakal

Y – YO-YOS ARE : yo yo yo! the toy?

Z - ZODIAC SIGN : Sagittarius

RANDOM QUESTIONS ABOUT YOU:

Spell your name without vowels :  Mndy Clr...huiyo!

What color do you wear most : purple I guess

What are you listening to? :  the tv...hehe

Are you happy with your life right now? : why question happy or not? I have a life and I'm living it

What is your favorite class in school? : English!

Are you outgoing? : Not really but if my cousins around then yes!

Favorite pair of shoes? : sandals and wedges. selipar tetap pujaan! ehehehe

Where do you wish you were right now? : I am where I want to be, home my family

THE CANS:

Can you dance? : eh, when no one watching? very bad..!

Can you tie a cherry stem with your mouth? : hahahaha...nope

Can you whistle? : emm, practiced a lot but still..

Write with both hands? : used to but now No

Walk with your toes curled? : that sounds hurt...

THE DO'S:

Do you believe there is life on other planets?:  It's not impossible for me

Do you believe in miracles? : No, everything happen for reason, even if it is unexplainable 

Do you believe in magic? : refer to the answer above

Love at first sight? :  yeah, though it hardly happen to me.

Do you think there's a Satan? : Yeah..

Do you believe in Santa? :  used to

Do you know how to swim? :I know, I just can't do it

Do you think you could handle the stuff they eat on those reality shows? : hahahha....no! 

THE HAVES: 

Have you ever been on a plane? :  nope

Have you ever asked someone out? : I'm not sure...eh?

Have you ever been asked out by someone? : again, I'm not sure. No?

Have you ever been to the ocean? :  yes! good place to makeup your mind :) especially at night!

Have you ever painted your nails?: of course! who never?

THE WHATS:

What is the temperature outside? :  probably cold 

What radio station do you listen to? :  radio bayu, hilang control terhadap remote. hitz.fm i truly miss u!

What was the last restaurant you ate at? : dunno, x sedap juga...

What was the last thing you bought? : reload...haha

Who was the last person you took a picture of ? : mommy and sisters

CRYING SECTION: 

Ever really cried your heart out?:  yeah...

Ever cried yourself to sleep?:  yeah...something that always likely to happen 

Ever cried on your friend's shoulder?:  no, lol...I'm not open enough maybe? hehe

Ever cried over the opposite sex?: .....yes

Do you cry when you get an injury?: rarely happen :)

Do certain songs make you cry? : yeah, sometimes for reasons, sometimes I just feel like it

HAPPY SECTION.

Are you a happy person?: I think I am

What can make you happy?: people I love happy :)

Do you wish you were happier?:  huh...yeah

Can music make you happy?: yes!

LOVE SECTION. 

How many times have you had your heart broken?:  I believe only once, and I broke my own heart...get it?

LOOK AT ME.

What is your current hair color? : black, typical Asians hair colour 

Current piercings?:ears

Have any tattoos?: no, but sometimes I like to make a fake one...hehe

Eye color? : brownish black...that's how it looks like :/"

IN A GIRL/GUY

Favorite eye color: it really doesn't matter

Short or long hair : short

Height : tall

Best clothing : anything that suits him

HAVE YOU EVER. 

Been to jail: no.

Mooned someone : no

Thrown up in a store: no ...haha

Done something really stupid that you still laugh at today :  yeah a lot! hehehe

Gone skinny dipping : no! who would?

THIS OR THAT. 

Pepsi or Coke : whiever available

McDonald's or Burger King: neither

Single or Group Dates : idk? single la kali?

Chocolate or Vanilla: after thinking hard...both lah !

Strawberries or Blueberries : Strawberries!

Meat or Veggies : both, barulah balance!

TV or Movie : both? aren't them inseparable?

Guitar or Drums?: guitar :)

Adidas or Nike : not really into both but they're okay

Chinese or Mexican : chinese! yumm!

Cheerios or Corn Flakes : cornflakes

back to classic!

O.o what was that?
 I'm using a mechanical pencil and a piece of A4 paper to write this story that suddenly came into my mind. Not really classic eh? Lack of idea caused me to be out of this writing things for a while. Honestly I miss it so much but I don't want to write an unfinished story. I want to be sure that I have the ending before I start writing.

I'm writing a short story with very few characters. Short story right why do I need a lot of characters? I've decided the name of two main characters. Hey, maybe we can film it? Oh maybe animate it? Kill me, I'm being crazy.

The story has something to do with Alzheimer. Why Alzheimer? There are more kind of diseases out there. Things like memories had been bugging me. I questioned myself, will I remember my classmates' names? Will I remember my teachers? Will I remember those moments I had with my families? Will I remember what was my dream when I was little? I don't want to forget all that. It was a part of me. A big part of my life that taught me how to be me and how to survive in this world.

Anyway, I'm going to do research for Alzheimer and combine the information I already knew to help me with this story. I think I'll post it here or I'll send it to any newspaper. Which one? O.o...ceh, perasan!

I want to post it here so wait for it okey! n_n

Childhood Favourite : Teletubbies

One of my childhood favourite.  Who can forget them? They're so cute! La La, Dipsy,  Tinky Winky and Po!
I love saying that long ago. It is no longer played on tv. Teletubbies is a part of my childhood and some of my knowledge came from teletubbies. I love teletubbies!  :)

Po: Whee! did I mentioned that she was my favourite?

One of the reasons why I love this Teletubbies!

Look how free they are! I wonder will I be able to  feel free  again?

Once Upon a Marigold

I just finished read this book. Notice my status in fb that sound like this?: Be alarmed when you're reading. I spent my afternoon reading this book and was really into it. Suddenly it rained and I didn't even notice it. The clothes are still outside! I ran outside to collect the clothes and smile naughtily. My, I never thought this would happened. That time I realized I need to keep alarmed even when the book is so exciting.

This book is from the library and my sister was the one who borrowed this. When I was searching for the images of this book, I found this...

there's a sequel....

I'm not really shocked with that, everyone can predict it from the lines of the last page of this book. So I gotta keep an eye for it.

p.s. Leo, now I know how you're feeling

Prep..

So I'm talking about the book. The title is Prep and I've used it as the title and writer is Curtis Sittenfeld.
If she's reading(I know it's impossible but I wanted to say this)
 She explained to me how I felt during schools.

The story is about this girl named Lee Fiora. She applied to this boarding school called Ault and was accepted. At first she thought she won't be going but the very next day she was offered a scholarship. So went anyway. Why wouldn't I go if I'd worked so hard for that application? She told herself, though I'm not sure whether it was the words because I couldn't remember it. But I'm sure that's what she meant.

Notice I wrote schools instead of high school? Well, this story stater when Lee Fiora attended Ault. To my understanding she began to feel all that she wrote during highschool. I felt the way she wrote in the book starting my first year in primary school. I truly believe that what Lee Fiora felt was what I'd felt. I almost relate all that feeling with my own.

She wrote about friends.

Have you ever thought that that person you never talked to though you knew her name will be your bestfriend? that question came to me after I read about this.

 Lee Fiora thought that she will never have a bestfriend there; because it was almost one year and she was still not close to everyone. Even her roommate. She became close to this one girl before, and after a while she found that the girl was the one who caused the mess in their dorm. She was the thief who steal from her roommate, Dede. She can see that though Dede came from a rich family like almost everyone at Ault, she's still concern about the theft. After Lee Fiora caught to the girl while she was going out of her room, she reported it to their dorm head. The girl was expelled after that. Then she felt like no one again.


Then she became close to Conchita, a spanish girl. After a while they became a little close. Lee Fiora even taught her how to ride a bike. Through Conchita she began to talk to Martha, a classmate she never talked to (Lee never talked to Conchita before too, and most of her classmates) That moments she realized that she was wrong about Martha, she could be friends with her. They then decide to room together for the coming year. Conchita was upset. She suggested that the three of them will room together but Lee and Martha thought of another thing. It was kind of the end of Lee's and Conchita's friendship because after that Sittenfeld never write anything about them anymore. Martha became her bestfriend and roommate until the finished their study at Ault.

***

There are a lot of things but friendship part was the part that really touched me as it was my problem as soon as I started school. All the things you can't agree with everyone else, all your thoughts about them, all the things you thought necessary to be anybody's friend...etc. 

***

The love life expressed by Sittenfeld also captured my emotion. How you suddenly have a crush to this someone and never talked about it but to your best friend. You know that that person will never love you back yet you still keep the feeling. You even have another name for him. The one you use as an alternative to his name when talking about him in public witch your best friend. I remembered how it happened to me after I read that Lee Fiora did that. There were more, I just can't express it through words...

***

My favourite line was, 

how refusal become a part of me...( I don't remember the exact line but this sound somehow like it)

It touched me. I stopped for a while and did a flashback. Yeah, I've been refusing a lot and live in my own world. Though it was with anyone else, it still my own. I remember how I took a long time to break the ice. Though I talked to her, sometimes we laugh together and more...I still had the uneasy feelings towards her. To my surprise, it was easy to be her friends. As long as I open my heart, I can accept her. It didn't happened a lot though, I mean the hard to break the ice part. And when my friends have an outing together, I often said to myself no. Though I know that I can actually go for it if I do that one things I never really try to do.

I seriously love this book! It's like reading my life. When I finished this book I felt a huge load in my chest. My breath was taken by the Sittenfeld. It's like, I learning who I am and who I was. Seriously, that book is amazing and words can't describe how I feel. Even my sister said I was so addicted to that book. I don't really know what else to say. Go read it by yourself, you'll find more of the Lee Fiora's life that I didn't mention here. 

I'm in love with this book forever