last entry

Words.

It was words that I fell for. In the end, it was words that broke my heart.

(Lang Leav)

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I spent my time writing until I couldn't write anything anymore. 

Back then I thought that reading what I wrote could make me feel alive once more. I thought I would like the nostalgia of the old days, greenish images, movie like adventures. However I was wrong. 

I was very very wrong. 

I couldn't read a single thing without regretting. 

I couldn't read without wishing for a time machine to be invented. Without wishing that I could beat some sense into my sixteen-year-old self. Perhaps a younger me. 

A thirteen-year-old me.

"Stop trying to fit in, you never will and you're never meant for it anyway. You're hurting your wanderer soul."

Have you accepted your soul sooner, you wouldn't need to face the heaviness from the things that you keep holding on without letting go.

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Things I wished I could've said to my younger self

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You have no obligation to feel everything so deeply for other people. 

You can say no when you don't want to, even if it hurt them. They can keep their burden to themselves, it's theirs to settle, you don't have to take them in.

You shouldn't regret your existence. 

The universe didn't create you by accident. The Lord didn't make you without purpose. No matter how lost or how useless you feel, you'll find a purpose in life. You'll find something you love doing and you will find someone who you can come home to. You belong in this world.

You are loved, Mandy.

You may not be able to give back all the love you receive in your life, but you can love all those that you can.

The world is like that, Mandy. It's meant to be like that.

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The One Thing.

Look at you. You've stitched your life so perfectly together. You work so damn hard to get to where you are, and now have everything you ever wanted. So why do you keep looking back at the one thing that can undo it all?

(Lang Leav)

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...

I have given too much excuses.

This space must come to an end. Perhaps I'll be writing again in the future but I'll make sure that I don't write excuses anymore.

I thought I was trying to rationalize things that I could see. 

It's ok Mandy, it's meant to be like that. It's okay Mandy, heartache aren't going to last forever. It's okay Mandy, you'll be okay, they deserve it. However deep down I know that heartache are going to last if I don't put things to an end and not everyone deserve to feel down just because they couldn't figure out what I truly feel inside. 

I've concealed so much of me. 

I buried everything under layers and layers of skin and I expect people to see right through it. I expect people to see through my eyes and see how little I talk about what's inside my heart and brain. 

How ironic of me.

I shall care about the right things. 

It doesn't matter what I have for dinner, but who I'm having dinner with. It doesn't matter where I'm going back to, but who I'm coming home too. It doesn't matter how uncertain I am about my future, but who my future is. No more worrying about how tomorrow will go, but who I'm walking through it with.

There shall be no excuses anymore. 

I shall live.

...

        Back then, I thought I would be delighted to find my old notebooks and exam papers. Not so much on the exam paper but back then I thought I'd like to see it again. 

Who knew I'll be hesitating to even touch and open them now. 

Back then, I thought spilling every thoughts on the papers would help me see what kind of person I was back then.

However, I forgot that people change; I changed, inevitably, and I changed into someone who keep looking back without acknowledging what I went through. 

There are too many parts I wish to erase from my memory together. If my life could be described as one long roads that leads me to where I am no, I'd go back to dim or maybe break the lights at the parts I no longer want to see.

But then, if by God's grace I'll be able to walk some more, when I look back, what would I feel when I see those dark patches. Will I be able to handle the what ifs?

February 2009

I lost someone close for the first time.
I attended funerals before, heard about someone losing their dear families or friends, but never the ones I love the most.

When it happened, I just knew it. Well, I usually notice when the mood in the air changes and that particular night when I heard his voice talking to someone on the phone, my body went numb, even before I heard the whole thing. He was talking in Dusun and it was very clear in my ears, as if the words were thrown at me. I heard it, and I remember the 'nothing' feeling. It almost feel like I was going deaf.

Then she came into the kitchen, where I was doing something. She simply asked if I already know it. I replied with a simple 'emm'.

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That particular year, I realized that we are thinking that everyone will be around forever.
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I still think like that after we recovered from our lost. The first lost of someone close to me.
And two years later it was like being thrown to the ground so hard that I couldn't grasp to the situation I was in.

Someone even closer to me had just passed away.
I kept  thinking, to keep myself from being eaten by the situation. I succeeded for a short amount of time.
The moment people start leaving the grave, I felt the sudden grip in my chest. I didn't want to leave yet. She needs company. That was what I was thinking.

I was all too sudden. I came home and she was healthy when we came over. Then it happened.

It was too fast.

I remember thinking that I knew, I knew that something like that will happen, because I knew how her body works, but I didn't know that it would be too soon.

I took a long time trying to accept our lost.

I still want to write. I know because I still find myself thinking deeply all the time. I think deeply that refuse to let others into my thoughts. In my thoughts the most important to me is my point of views. I'm only a girl in my mid twenties who are never sure about anything. I look for place to write all the time. The irony is, I buy a lot of notebooks and I never ended up writing my thoughts in there anymore. 

and of course, we've never told everything...
we've always decided to leave something out

Happy New Year 2018!

I always think of driving as a way to describe how I see my life.
A few days ago I was driving manual when suddenly I was imagining describing my method of controlling the car to other people. I couldn't remember what the middle stick was supposed to do. To my surprise, that didn't surprise me. I was more surprised at the fact that I wasn't surprised. Calmly I think that I going to know what to do with the sticks when I need to change the gear.
I drive auto cars a lot these days. Everyone seems to prefer them these days. Even I think of getting an auto one if I ever buy a car. I prefer the manual but my feet doesn't seem to be cooperating well like the way they used to. It would be bad to get cramped foot while driving. p.s I already went through that.

My main points are...
I'll know what to do when the time comes. Sometimes our life gets easier and that is the time when we switched to auto because everything seems to be working out well by themselves.
However, sometimes we have to manually get our feet to work because things won't simply poof out of nowhere for us. And that's okay. Both modes are good.

Whatever you're doing

wherever you're going

whichever mode you're on

you're going to be fine.

Strong in a weak way. Weak in a strong way.

 Which one are you?

...to make something mine